number 5

I haven't wrote about this last chemo yet.

Honestly I was scared to.

At number 5 chemo appointment, Dr. Wu came and talked with me about my tumor marker number blood test. They had went up since the last one, and that is not good.
He said not to worry, but I needed to come in for a CT scan.
It could be nothing, it could be my liver or kidneys, or the cancer could have spread and the chemo could not be working.
It just brought back all beginning fears and memories. I think anyone who has gone through cancer can go back to those beginning worries and nervousness that "it" is coming back.

The actual chemo treatment wasn't as bad as the first 4. I didn't get near as car sick feeling, but my body hurt like you wouldn't believe.
I think cause I felt better and was trying to keep my mind off the ct scan results, I over did it. But it was nice to not feel like death, just not feel good.
Side note: while doing chemo you either feel like death or not like your going to die. So when I say I feel good, I mean I don't feel like I am dieing. 

I knew "it" wasn't back or spreading, but it was in the back of my mind, it was in the front of Kyles mind. He was very worried and nervous.

It seemed like while I was wondering if my cancer had came back, everyone on facebook thought they were having the worst day/week/month/year of their life. I told Kyle I just want to tell "so and so" to suck it up, but I didn't tell anyone that. I just kinda feel like unless you've had to worry about your children growing up without a mom or had to hope that if something went bad your husband would someday find love again, maybe don't be so dramatic. If the worst thing that has happened to your in your life is a little rough patch of grown up life or something getting broke, thank God that he didn't give you a bigger trail and be thankful to feel good enough to get out of bed.  

Ok, thats the end of that rant...

I started to feel like death again on Saturday, and then Sunday I started to run a fever.
Monday as we made our way for number 6 chemo treatment and the results of the CT scan, Kyle and I had a little cry together and then pretended that we knew all would be fine.

Thank goodness Dr. Wu has amazing nurses, as soon as I got back there my favorite nurse came and told us we could do a happy dance, all is well. I think both Kyle and I could have cried tears of happiness and do a happy dance!  

But Dr. Wu was to nervous to let me have chemo with a fever happening, I was very sad about it, it just pushes it back another week. But my wonderfully positive Kyle has convinced me that taking a week off is alot better than ending up in the hospital.
So next Monday I will have my number 6 chemo treatment, and I will only have 2 left!

For this week, I am going to drink my tea, sleep, thank God for all the good in my life, enjoy listening to the girls tell their crazy stories, and laugh.

the rest of the last few weeks!

The girls spend alot of time outside! They love everything about being out there, but one of our favorite things to do is play in the irrigation! They get muddy and cold and have so much fun! 

Annie sent a caterpillar thing home with the girls! 
We enjoyed watching them turn into butterfly's and then watching them fly away!

My babies are 5!!!

My babies are 5 years old! It does not seem like they should be that old!
We had a birthday party for them on Saturday, we had all the family over and just played out back!
They had alot of fun and it was such a relaxing fun day with lots of people we love. 
Monday, there real birthday, we went to Vegas to the doctor, then went to Cici's pizza for lunch!
They loved everything about there birthday weekend! The frozen cakes turned out great, they loved there bikes, and they really love the baby chicks Luke and Sierra got them!

These two are so much fun and so hard all at the same time! They are the weirdest little children ever. Addison whistles all the live long day, and Alaynna talks like the cookie monster and can turn "let it go" into a heavy metal rock song!
They are best friends and still love to dress the same, some days. They push their beds together and try and find Waldo! And then 15 minutes later have an all out fight!

Addison gives in to anything sister wants and takes care of her! She loves me and Kyle and loves to talk and be close to us both. She loves her alone time with all of us and never wants anyone's feeling hurt or left out!
Alaynna beats Grace up when she looks at Addison wrong! She is also a weird little hippy! Her "energy" tells her things, like "the chickens are out, my energy told me!" She also told me that a kiss on the lips goes straight to your heart so when you are sad that's the best place to give a kiss!

I have been able to enjoy them so much in a different way the last few months, One of my favorite things to do is just sit far enough away that I can hear them talk! They talk about the funniest things and love each other so much!

Happy birthday little sisters, I love you!!

The fair!

We love the fair, but we knew this year we couldn't go like we normally do. Luckily I was feeling ok so I didn't have to be pushed in a wheel chair like we had thought!
The twins think the fair comes to town for their birthday just like Grace thinks that the 4th of July is for her birthday!
We got to see Luke, Sierra and Laura and the girls there! 
We only went for a few hours, but we got a treat, had Alyanna and Grace's face painted, rode the pony's, went to the small animal barn, and seen all there was to see.
Next year I plan on helping in the fine arts building and spending all day Thurday and Friday there with the girls!! 

just stuff...

The girls are enjoying the warmer weather we have had here at home! They are for sure little desert rats and tom boys! The weekend that I was so sick, Kyle took them fishing, out to red-rock, and we filled the swimming pool up so they could put there feet in! 

Kyle turns 30!

Kyle turned the big 30 this year!!
We kept it pretty low key, he got a welder this year and I made his favorite cookies since he doesn't like cake!

I've loved this man since our first date.
He is a better dad than I could have ever imagined, the girls love it when he gets home for the night and love the weekends where he can play with them for 3 whole days.
He takes such great care of me, you can see the worry in his eyes when he knows I am not feeling good and he does whatever he can to make me feel better.
He is such a hard worker and great at everything he does.
and lets face it, he's pretty good looking!
I couldn't have ever asked for someone more perfect for me!

Jerrica and Jakell come to visit

Jerrica and Joey haven't made the trip down here in 2 years. They decided to surprise everyone and bring the whole clan! When I say surprise I mean they wanted to surprise us all, but Jerrica cant keep a secret like this!
Jakell, Riley, and the kids came down too. It has been awhile since we were all together!
They all got to my moms Thursday night, so we woke up Friday morning and went over to spend the day! We thought it was warm enough to swim, but it wasn't for me! 
Saturday Kyle went horn hunting so he missed out on all of them coming over to the house! My dad rode down for afternoon! We ate pizza and watched the kids run wild!
Sunday they all came back over and we spent the whole day outside in the beautiful weather!

It was so great to have everyone together, I miss my sisters and the kids ( I guess Riley and Joey too! ) SO much!

I am bald......

Out of 14 days I've had 3 good ones. It makes going in tomorrow really hard when you know 12 days of sickness is coming!
The weather was so beautiful this weekend, so we spent the whole time outside cleaning up the yard and I even painted a chair and my watering can! I use to get so much done in a week, now when I am up out of bed both Kyle and I think it is such an accomplishment!
The twins asked me on Friday how many more days were left till it was there birthday, it was then I realized that there was 10 days left. I usually plan birthdays months in advance and make cute cakes and have something they want in mind, ya not this year! At first I felt guilty, but then I told myself, maybe this is what I am suppose to be learning. 
I went to linns, ordered some cakes for the twins birthday, let everyone know when we were doing it and I called it good, and I really feel good about it.

I use to wake up and clean up every morning, I thought if I didn't the whole day was ruined, but guess what? I haven't cleaned like that in 4 months and everything is just fine.
The house hasn't fell in since it isn't as clean as it use to be.  
The girls have there hair braided about once a week, the rest of the time they look homeless, and I think they like it better!
We eat alot of meals that I wouldn't have dreamed of feeding my family, but we are all still alive and I think they might even eat more than they use to.
I have days that I dont put my makeup on, and Kyle still thinks I am beautiful. 

I spent the last 2 days outside watching the girls run, talking to Kyle about how mad I was about the cattle and BLM, and I didnt worry about the little things all weekend,
I was just so grateful to feel good.
I hope that I can continue to have this attitude forever.

It took cancer, but I am learning.
God, did you read that?
I am learning, no more tests.
Please.

Tomorrow is number 5, I see the end in sight!

There has been the "no make-up selfie" going around on facebook, I don't really see how that raises awareness, but maybe my "no hair selfie" might.

#4

Number 4 chemo has came and gone, I have been sick this week with a UTI and a cold on top of chemo, it has sucked.
I have been in bed or in my chair for going on 9 day. I had to go to the doctor on Monday, it was a long day and it only made me sicker.
 Its weeks like this when 4 more treatments seems like forever especially when you can feel like crap for around 3 months after your last treatment.
I am over my UTI, but this cold is sticking around and it is a pain.
But I am half way through my treatments, and thats a wonderful thing.

I thought I would write a few thoughts I've had this last week, some things I have learned and just some of my random thoughts.

• I really do have a different appreciation for the ones I love in my life. Life is way to short to be mad over the little things and not let the ones you love know that you love them. I try and give more hugs, say thank you more often, and forgive for things that have upset me in the past. 
• One of my favorite sounds is the girls playing happily.
• I should play the cancer card WAY more often than I do. 
• I think all awareness is wonderful, but I dont get the "no make up selfie" thing going around on facebook. But maybe that is because I look like a sickly cancer patient when I dont have make-up on.
• Some of the best things Kyle has said to me... "you could be a model for chemo patients" " Wow, if you wanted to play the cancer card, today would be the day to do that!" "if you would tan your bald head, you would not have to wear a scarf!" "come on chemo patient (his new pet name for me!)"
• I lost a chunk of my eyelashes, it realllllllllly sucks.
• Somedays 4 more treatments seems like it is going to be fine, other days, 4 more seems like it is going to never end.
• I heard once that it is easy to love when things are going good. I can honestly say that Kyle and I have a love that is nothing like it use to be because of this. I know I couldn't be as positive as I have been without him. He calls me to check on me, when he knows I am having a really bad day he makes me take it easy, he has no problem coming home from work and making dinner, he takes care of the girls and the house, he honestly is my rock.
• I can not wait to feel good, or even to just not feel like shit.
• I miss my hair so much.
• I also miss my nice skin. I look sick now, I am grey. A friend sent some self tanner that had helped so much, but i still look like a sick cancer patient.
• I worry so much about the girls, but when I really sit down and think about it I know they are having fun when grandmas are here helping and yes, we watch more TV now than we ever have, (just ask them who bobby flay is!), they will be fine. I am sad that this fun time in the twins life, right before they leave me for school, I am worthless as a mother. I am sad that by the time Grace comes home I am done, I am to tired to do anything but be a zombie at dinner and try to listen to her long pointless stories. 
• I love all of the friends that I have met that are going through or have went through the same stuff. There no one who understand how horrible chemo is and the weird feelings you go through, like some other poor individual that is boobless and hairless! I am that crazy lady in Dr. Annes office or sitting by you at chemo that wants to hear all about your story!  
• I look at the last family pictures I took, just less than a week before we found out I had cancer, and they make me sad. Everything was good then, ignorance is bliss. After 4 years of growing my hair out, it was beautiful. I had high hopes that after a rough year, this next year was going to be a wonderful one. I was on top of shit, dinners done, house clean, kids hair done, projects always going, pictures of the fun stuff we were always doing, high hopes of figuring out what i was going to do after the girls are in school. As soon as I have hair again, we are taking new pictures for this "new" normal life we will lead.
• Last but not least.... I love all the help we have, but I can not wait for the day that I don't need it!

Number 5 is coming up way to soon, but the sooner they come, the sooner this is over!