Cancer sucks.... balls!

I go in for surgery on tomorrow, I get my hard expanders out and soft implants in.
It is bringing up all kinds of emotions, I am really nervous and scare, but excited too!
I think it will be alot like getting a regular boob job, but they will be scrapping all of my scar tissue and I have heard that is not pleasant, at all.
I have a hard time comparing it to a boob job, because well... getting a voluntary boob job done is not like what I have had to do.

The girls are freaking out over me going in, I have tried to make it happy good thing, but that still doesn't stop the questions and the tears.
The plan changed a little on how to get them to Grandmas house and there was major meltdowns this morning. (I have ruined them cause none of us deal with plans changing well.)
Grace was sad because she wouldn't be able to see me before she left,
Alaynna said she was going to miss me and cried hysterically, 
and Addison was fine, cause shes the peace keeper at this house! 
I really hope this cancer thing hasn't ruined my children.

It's been awhile since I wrote anything down, chemo brain makes it really hard to write and make any sense. I cant make my mouth say the word I am trying to, that is if I can think of the word I am trying to say. I have always sucked at spelling, but I honestly cant spell anything anymore, Google is my best friend!
I occasionally have no tact, but when I am tired, well I have none, steer clear!!

I have always been pretty anti social, but lately it has gotten even worst.
I don't leave my house unless Kyle makes me, and when I have to, I get a horrible scared feeling inside.
When I do venture out,
I think everyone is looking at me,
wondering why I look so old now,
why my hair is short,
if I am going to die,
did they get it all.
I know that in reality no one even notices me, and when they do they wish me well.
But I have some issues,
cancer issues.
I have really been asked (multiple times) why I cut my hair short? and Did they get it all?
Both questions are my least favorite, ever, and I imagine high five-ing you in the face.

Most days, (when I don't leave my house), I am good, but then the littlest things set me off into a tail spin,
(don't watch Chasing Life my fellow cancer people.)
of depression and panic attacks.
I feel like no one understands me, I have hair now so I am all good.
I don't know if emotionally I have ever been this crazy.

I'm pretty sure I am still in denial about even having cancer.
I wonder who came up with the term 'battling cancer'. I feel like this last year I just sat in my chair, falling asleep, waiting for the next doctor appointment. I don't think I 'battled' anything.
I don't know what to say to people about this 'cancer experience'.
Do I even mention that I have had cancer, and how do I say it?
I have not battled cancer, I sat in my chair binge watching netflix, hoping to feel better the next day.

But, with all things considered, life here at the Leavitt home is good.
We are counting down till the fair, the twins birthday, 2 new nieces, and summer! 
If this last year of sitting in my chair has taught me anything it would be how much I love my little family. 
I cant wait to get the girls back on Sunday and yell at them for being messy and loud and crazy! 

The dirty "C" word.

I am a pretty private person.
I have been back and forth on putting this on my blog. I started writing my thoughts down the day after I found out, and it felt kind nice to just write it down and get it out.
Also with all that will be going on it will be nice to be able to keep everyone updated.

..................

In January 2010 I found my breast lump.

I remember when I found it, I was lying on the couch and my boob hurt, I then felt something there that I had never felt before.

I went into Kyle on the computer and made him feel it.

I Googled a few things and didn’t go to the doctor right away, cause I was young, no family history, and it wasn’t even the right shape. 

After going to Dr. Chalmers he sent me in for an ultra sound.

The ultra sound went fine, I was just supposed to follow up in 6 months.

So 6 months later, after another ultrasound, I seen 2 different surgeons, 1 I didn’t like, the other, Dr. Wintch said he wasn’t comfortable taking it out.

So I just did another ultrasound 6 months later so on and so forth.

After 2 years had passed, they decided that it would be best to biopsy it.

The biopsy sucked, it hurt, it was scary, it was something I never wanted to do again.

The biopsy came back as chronic mastitis. There was no information on it and my doctors said not to worry. I never have felt comfortable with my "lump" and I wanted it out, that dirty "C" word was always in the back of my mind. So I went and seen yet another surgeon who didn’t feel comfortable taking it out.

By this time I was over it. It wasn’t anything, the biopsy said, I kept up on my ultra sounds and it has always been in the back of my mind.

Fast forward to 6 months ago…….

My lump had grown, I could feel it, and it hurt.  I met my deductible so I found a new surgeon. She wanted an up to date ultrasound. 

I didn’t have time for it in September, so I put it off. Then decided since I had met my deductible, I needed to get it done.

This time it was different. The tech and radiologist scared me, my lump had changed, and changes aren’t good.

I came home to make an appointment with Dr. O’Neill for 1 week later. She said she wanted to take it out but would need to biopsy it again. I was nervous, I knew what to expect this time.

She did a different kind, but it hurt just as much.

I was nervous, in the back of my mind was the dirty “C” word, but I am young, healthy, and have no family history.

Dr. Chamberlain called shortly after my biopsy and said he had thought about it and after seeing my scans he thought I should get the lump out. Doctors don’t usually call you out of the blue, so it made me nervous.

Kyle decided to go with me to this appointment, mostly so we could schedule to get the lump out.

I always wait, she’s a busy doctor, but yesterday we waiting for an hour in the waiting room.

I woke up with a migraine, stress.

They finally called us back, then we waited for about another hour in the room.

Right before she came in I looked at Kyle and said, “I am young, healthy, and have no family history.”

I was thinking about the lady that was in the waiting room before me, she looked about 30, she wore a hat to cover her bald head. You just know she had cancer,

but she was young.

You know when you see in shows when the doctor tells someone they have cancer and the person just sits there and doesn’t hear anything after they tell them that life changing news?

Dr. O’Neill came in, the first thing she said was, “Well, it’s not good. It came back as cancer”

My mind went through every situation in 3 seconds, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Am I going to die?”

Then I cried

and

cried.

I don’t remember anything but thinking about my young girls, my life, my everything.

She said stuff, I don’t remember what. I just kept thinking, No, she got my tests mixed up with someone else. I am young, healthy, no family history, I have had this biopsied, it came back as nothing, this can’t be real.

She did say that I have the best kind of cancer that you can have, it is not aggressive. I am pretty certain “the best kind of caner you can have” in an oxymoron.

I had to tell my mom and dad, honestly it wasn’t real till I had say out loud, I have cancer.

It hurts saying the words, “I have breast cancer”. It hurt hearing the silence of your mom and dad after telling them, cause they feel like you just hit them with a ton of bricks. And they have nothing to say, cause what do you say, I am sorry? Why? How? Or just I love you.

The day after finding out…….

I am still mad, and sad. I have cried the majority of the day and been trying to schedule a few test I need to have.

I called the doctor’s office crying hysterically and asked if they 100% knew that it was my test results, I wanted to know if there was any way that they could have mixed my results up.

They were obviously sure, Dr. Anne called and talked with me a little more, it made me feel a little better.

2 days later…..

I don’t know if it is because I haven’t slept but I really don’t have any feelings today, I am not sad, mad, happy, I am just here.

I did have a bad break down after I called my insurance company and remembered that we switched insurances at the beginning of the year. I couldn’t find Dr. Anne on the new one, I went into full on melt down mode, but luckily her office must get a lot of frantic callers cause the receptionist that I disliked before this calmed me down and let me know she would still be on there.

I also noticed that people like to “one up” you. Just because you once had a scare doesn’t mean a lot to me now that my “scare” has turned into a life altering situation.

Keep in mind when you say “well this will make you feel better ……..” It won’t, just shut up and don’t say whatever you were going to.

People also tell you stories about how their mom, friend, aunt, whoever had cancer and she turned out fine, or didn’t. Let me tell you that neither makes me feel better, honestly they make me want to punch you.

I guess maybe I actually am having feelings today, mad ones.

3 days later….

I only had one break down today.

I never thought it would happen to me, so I never knew when you had reconstructive surgery they take your nipples. It is such a stupid thing to get upset about, but a double mastectomy is a real thing that will be happening. Nipples make your breast look normal, how are you ever supposed to feel comfortable when you don’t look “normal”?

I also read that just under 7% of all breast cancer cases occur in women under 40 years old. I guess I should just realize I am usually in that “unlikely” percent of everything.

I think I am too tired, to overwhelmed, to everything, to be anything but a zombie.

I missed Grace's piano class because I didn’t even realize it was Thursday, Ren, the elf, doesn’t move and hasn’t done anything fun, and Christmas shopping/planning has just came to a halt.

I did bring myself to get dressed and put makeup on to go to Linn’s so that we can eat more than frozen pizza and eggs.

I still don’t want to have to deal with everyone and their pity, I can’t handle it. I don’t know enough about what is going on, and I don’t want to have to console anyone when I am a mess. A lot of people have a way of turning everything to be all about them, and for once in my life it is about me and I want it to be about me. I don’t want to hear how upset you are or how scared you are or that you need to talk, cause guess what, it is my boobs that are going to be chopped off, my head that will be bald, my kids that will have to watch me go through that, my husband who will be going through it with me, it is ME, not you.

As you can tell, madness is the feeling that I am having most still.

4 days later…..

This has been the longest 4 days of my life. I can’t wait to have the PET scan over with and just hear the news, bad or good, I don’t care right now.

Being in limbo sucks……

I am prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best, but mostly still hoping that they will tell me that they are so sorry, they got my test results mixed up. So obviously I am going to be devastated no matter what. I know I will be fine no matter how bad it is, it just will suck for awhile.

I also was very on edge tonight, snapped at the girls, tried to fight with Kyle. It will be great to get tomorrow over with.

6 days later….

Yesterday I went in for my PET scan, it was a big one. To say we were nervous was such a understatement, this was going to tell us just how bad it really is.

We were gone all day, and it was mostly spent waiting. I had to have radioactive stuff put through a IV, then I took a nap, then laid in a tube and had to hold still. It sucked.

Luckily we had an appointment with Dr. Ann just a few hours later.

She walked in smiling and right away I felt so much better.

“It” hasn’t spread, thank the good God above! That is the good news, and well the good news is what I need to focus on.

The not so great news, (or down right shitty news) is that I am a stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma, and that means chemo.

Now I need to get my MRI, which happens tomorrow, then I go in for genetic testing and will see if I carry the gene.  I get to go see the oncologist too, but I haven’t made that appointment yet.

After that I get my port in, I don’t know what to expect with that, I am still in denial and that just makes it all too real.

Kyle and I decided that it would be best to have a double mastectomy and chemo at the same time, Dr. Ann says since I am mature for my age, and she can tell me and Kyle are a good couple that I can handle it. I don’t really know if I can.

I am scared to lose my hair, eye brows, eye lashes, nipples, blahhhh.

I am so sad for my girls to have to watch me get sick and lose my hair. I worry about Grace, what will her friends say when her pretty mom turns into a bald sick lady?

I am scared to lose control, I keep the house up, make food, clean, take care of the girls, take care of Kyle, pay bills, I do a lot, what is going to happen when I am too sick to do it? 

I am scared for Kyle, he will now have so much responsibility. Plus he has to watch me go through it all and take care of the girls while it is all happening.

Even though I am SO scared, I am also so grateful that the cancer isn’t everywhere. I am lucky I caught it when I did, who knows how bad it would have been when I went in for my next ultrasound in 2 years. I wouldn’t have even got the chance at Chemo probably.

8 days later…..

I got my MRI done yesterday, Terrie went in with me and helped me with the twins. It went fine, just had to have a stupid IV, but I guess that is just something I need to get use to. 

I had a bad day yesterday, I think I am entitled to one or two of those.  I guess the more appointments I go to, the more tests they run, and the more doctors who say “When where you diagnosed with breast cancer” make it just so much more real.

It has only been a week, and it just feels like so much longer and it still feels like a nightmare.

I am supposed to get my port put it next week so I can start chemo at the beginning of the year.  I am scared and am calling the doctor to maybe move that till after Christmas. Once I get the port in, it is really happening, and I just am not ready for that yet.

We switch insurances at the beginning of the year and I called to try and work some stuff out, I got a real bitch who was unhelpful and who told me I should probably push my treatment till the middle or end of January. I was so mad at her for being so rude that I called back to complain about her and luckily got a sweet women who had just been through breast cancer 1 year ago. She was really helpful and at least I don’t have that stress right now, I have enough other things to deal with.


 12-14

I don’t even know how many days have passed now.

It still feels like a nightmare.

I am still mad.

Scared.

Sad.

People’s life goes on, they forget that I have “this”, but I can’t get it out of my mind, and neither can Kyle. It makes me mad and ask why me? I don’t think any good can come of that when you start feeling pity for yourself, I think there are plenty of people who have pity for me, I don’t need to have it for myself.  

We took the girls to Frozen today, we are trying to keep things “normal” for them.  We decided that we were going to wait till after Christmas to tell them that I am sick, it is hard to know what to say to them without scaring them.  And bigger than that I don’t want them to associate Christmas and Mom being sick together.

I feel like the hardest part of this whole stupid situation is my girls. Nothing has even started and I am going to miss Grace’s Christmas party. I am going to try really hard to change my appointment, but I guess with cancer you have to kinda keep those stupid things.

Even while I am going through treatment, we want to keep life as normal as we can. We have my mom, Kyles mom, Great-Grandma Leavitt, and I have a few close friends who I know will help, when I let them. We don’t want the girls out of our schedule and I even am going to let them shave my head if (when) the times comes.

After Christmas I am going to go get a pixie cut, maybe it will be easier to lose my hair if it isn’t down to my butt, (probably not).

I wish someone could make me feel better, but when people try they kinda just make me feel worst. I know it isn’t their intension, but man people say some stupid shit!

12-16
I got my MRI results, they were good! We now know for sure that is it the same lump that was biopsied 2 years ago. That has brought on a whole new batch of anger and what if's.
My lymph nodes looked good, Dr. Anne will still take a few to biopsy just to be sure. I also got my genetic test done, I spit into a jar, alot! I couldn't even fill out the paper work right, I have NO brain.
I get my port in this week and go see the oncologist. After that, stuff is done till January.
My mind is just racing with every thought possible, talking to me is like talking with an extreme OCD ADHD adult, I am scary.
Stuff just comes out of my mouth and makes no sense, I can feel an extreme break down coming on. Kyle feels the same way.

I did meet a new friend at the doctors office, she gave me some words of encouragement, she also scared me shitless! She said I was smart for doing it all at the same time, she had drug hers out for 3 years and decided that she was just done with the reconstructive part. She also told me what I already had decided, I need to cut my hair, short.
We had a lot of similarity's in our diagnosis, and she said out of all the terrible things, the hardest part was losing her hair. It did make it easier since right before treatment she cut it very short.

I never considered myself vain till I was told I needed chemo, why is it that our (women) hair is so important?
I have, on the outside, been really positive and good today, but on the inside, I am a ball of nerves and on the verge of uncontrollable tears.

Life is hard some days.....

Sometimes life gets hard, 

Stuff doesn't go the way you thought it would, 

You aren't where you thought you'd be at this age, 

You realize that bad things happen to good people, 

You realize the world isn't a nice happy place, 

You get overwhelmed at the thought of all the expectations people hold over you,  

You listen to all that negativity that is everywhere, and worst you start to believe it. 

With all this "bad" it make seeing the good hard some days.

I am lucky to have my 3 happy, healthy girls to remind me of the "good" in the world. 

I also have Jerrica that I look to when I am having a bad day.

I have said it before and I will say it again, she is amazing. 

In the last few months she has been showed such kindness by strangers, it has kinda restored my hope in the world, make me less scared to send my children out there. 

A "stranger" at Disneyland asked if she could take some pictures of Jerr and her family with the characters, not to mention on that same trip how great Disneyland was to her family and arranged them to meet some characters.

Later the same "stranger" took family pictures for Jerrica, something she wanted so bad to do for the last year, but hasn't been able to. 

Then while we were trick or treating in Disneyland a "stranger" came up to Jerrica and asked to say a prayer over Owen. It brought tears to my eyes and still does. 

Lastly a fund has been started for the Revays, http://www.gofundme.com/therevayfamily, It has been really great to see it spread all over facebook and see so many people care. 

If you haven't already, go check it out and read the great blog post that the "Stranger" who took Jerr and Joeys pictures put on her blog. http://2bepositive.com/?p=2595

So hopefully today my bad attitude can change, cause there are good people out there and people who are amazing and inspiring!

Its my party and ill cry if I want to...........

Let me start by saying I DISLIKE my birthday, like alot!
I dont like attention on me, I dont like people trying to be nice cause they have to be, I especially dont like getting old!!!
But for some reason people dont forget that I was born no matter how hard i try and hide the day!

This year my mom and Steve were here and they were nice and drug me to Vegas! My mom got me a physic reading, it was really cool! She knew how many kids I had, that I have anxiety, and even what I had anxiety about. It was a fun experience and Id probably do it again just to see if they said the same thing!
After talking with the physic we went to Maggiano's and stuffed our self's! (If you like stuffed mushrooms, go for just them!)
Kyle was sweet and made me a cake in a mug and had the house cleaned up when I got back.

My mom kept the kids the day after my birthday and so Kyle and I went and ate sushi, (if I could, I would eat sushi at least once a day), went down on the strip, and then finished the night at Cheesecake factory for some dessert, it was a really fun night!!
I got lots of phone calls, texts and facebook messages to make me feel loved! Also some really pretty flowers,makeup, a new curling iron, a backpack, mono-pod, kettle bell, jewelry amore, and some nice cards! Although I hate my birthday, it is so nice that people think about me! 

I turned 27 so I thought I would share 27 things/thoughts about myself!

• I have been thinking about going back to school, but I have no idea what I want to be when I "grow up". 
• I also dont know if I could ever pass a math class.
• I am really sensitive and get my feelings hurt very easy, but I dont cry.
• I use to be opened minded, but through the years, some of the rude comments I have had to hear I have closed my mind. I hope someday to grow a thicker skin so maybe my mind can open again. 
• My favorite band is fun! I can sing all of their songs and I really hope to see them one day! 
• My dream for the girls is to be happy in whatever life they choose. 
• Kyle is my best friend, even though he drives me crazy sometimes! 
• 27 was really hard for me, 30 might kill me! 
• I have hobby ADD, I need to pick one or two and forget the rest! 
• I dont like to buy gifts just to buy them. If I see something I know you need or will enjoy then I love to buy gifts. So Christmas is VERY stressful and not my favorite! 
• If you want to make my day, bring me scoop for lunch! Tuesday is broccoli cheddar soup day, it is probably the best soup ever and I may eat pints at a time!
• I along with many of my family members suffer from misophonia disorder. So when I say I am going to kill you if you chomp, smack, slurp, breath loudly, I for real mean it!
• I love to find funny things on pinterest, sometimes when I am having a bad day I look at THIS board and laugh!
• My greatest fear is something happening to my children. 
• I carry pepper spray with me everywhere, it is probably not a good idea to scare me. 
• Kyle thinks I am a hippie, I really do walk a fine like to being one of "those crazy ladies"!
• I hate going to the doctor and I hate taking prescription pills! I only take them for my very worst migraines.
• I am a crazy oil lady and I think I can fix almost everything with my oils! 
• I dont fry anything, or use butter or oil when I cook. It makes me sick to eat fried food.
• Facebook makes me feel like I am sociable, but I am actually a hermit. And I like it that way! 
• Friends is my most favorite show, I can watch it over and over! Kyle and I cant more anything without yelling PIVOT!!!!
• I love reading sci-fi, I get lost in good books and it is probably the most relaxing thing I can do for myself! 
• I love to get in the bath, when we build our house that's one of the major requirements, a wonderfully huge bath tub, (and a lock on the bathroom door)!
• I dont think you can ever have to many pairs of shoes or to many jackets! 
• This last year or so has been a really hard one, I feel like I finally am getting back to the old happy Jessica, and I couldnt be happier about that! 
• I love our family's, I feel lucky that I am so close with my sisters. They are really the only ones that I can complain to and they understand! I also feel lucky I am so close with my mom, dad, and all my grandparent (that I try and talk to once a week). I am also so happy that I am close with all of Kyles family! 
• A clean house makes me happy and calmer! 

With that said I better shower and clean so that I can feel like I have done something today!
I dislike getting old, but I guess that is just life!

Summer

It is summer here, and I really have been enjoying it. I use to hate it when it got hot, but this year it has been different.

Summer should be defined as....
When the temperature stays above  70* all the time!
I learned last weekend that summer in Utah is WAY different than summer here at home!
We have been swimming in the reservoir for at least the last month, the twins have lived in there swimming suits for the last 2 months, I have been in shorts for at least the last 2 months, and I have a awesome tan line on my feet from my toms, that is when you know it is summer!!

Now dont get me wrong when the real hot summer weather get here, like when the temperature doesnt fall past 90*, you will find me hiding out in Utah! 

Kyle and I were talking the other day and I said after 10 years, Moapa Valley finally feels like home. I dont know if it is cause we know that we are never leaving or if it just home now, but I like the feeling of home! 

I have become a bird watcher, I made Kyle put me a bird feeder right outside my front window!
It may be weird or "old lady" of me, but it honestly is so calming. If we ever come into lots of money we are going to be birders, ya those crazy people who go bird watching all over the world.

Maybe we are weirder than I think!!!

Any one else out there learn how to use your camera and then take less pictures?
I feel like I learned how to shoot on manual and now I just dont shoot like I use to, maybe I am just in a funk, but I am thinking about getting a point and shoot so I can take 100's of pictures like I use to! 

Sick and Lazy...

This last little while we have been sick.
It started with the twins and Addison couldnt kick this bad stomach bug and had it for 5 long, long days!!!
Then I got it, and then I have had some bad luck with my migraines, like been laying in bed all day for a few days, no oils of pills would help these babies!.
Grace got it, and stayed home from school. My couch still smells like puke from her sickness!
Kyle even got it and had to take a day off work, and he never takes a day off!

Why dont moms get a day off?! I am at least lucky to have Kyle that will come home and throw a frozen pizza in and take the kids off my hands!!

We have been just hanging out close to home before the heat comes and we run to Utah to hide from it! I think that now since the sickness has went threw all of us, the girls more that once, we will hopefully get back to life!!
Only 9 school days left, I think I am more excited that Grace! I cant wait to not have to wake up to an alarm and no more packing a lunch!

pinterest/facebook/real life.

Lately I have been really down.
I feel like I could be such a better mom, wife, friend, all of it.
I think it is so easy to look at all these other peoples lives and think, "dang that woman has it together."
and wow, I do not have it together, even alittle!
Like right now, I am on the computer watch "the following" while the twins are bathing cause they are dirty from laying naked in the irrigation water.
When I probably should be folding the 6 loads of laundry that are downstairs waiting for me, like they have been for the last 4 days.
Or maybe I should be planning something from pinterest to make for dinner.
Or maybe, just maybe I should be sewing, scrap booking, or working out so when I run everything doesnt jiggle.  

When I get on blogs, facebook, pinterest I think it just fuels the fire.

Sally has worked out today, made a million freezer meals, got showered and dressed, and has a newborn baby but you cant tell cause she is stick thin skinny.

Liz just went on a extravagant trip to the beach with her husband and is tan and looks hot in a bikini.

Jill over there in an apron just had a girls night after making dinner for her family and her house looks like a page from IKEA.

Meagan just built a brand new house with brand new furniture and dresses in all the trendy clothes.

And then there is me,
showered and dressed means it has been a good morning.
my "workout" is climbing to the top cupboard where i hid my cookies.
4 years later and I still have baby weight to lose.

Also I think some women get satisfaction out of telling you how great they are or how you are lacking. 

But, the girls havent turned out to bad, so it must not matter that I dont have...
$1000 birthday pinterest party's,
I let them eat sugar and fast food,
They arent dressed in the latest and greatest,
The Leprechaun dont leave gold and the tooth fairy just leaves money,
and we dont take them to Disneyland every year.

To tell the truth....

I woke up on one today. Doesn't ever one have those days?!? I just wanted to tell everyone off, not even off, just tell them the truth.
So since I know better than to do that, (if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all, ever wonder why I dont have alot to say!?) I just told Kyle the truth about everything I felt.
He said I should take a nap or go shopping or something cause he knew how the day would go!!

Is it better to just bite your tongue or to just let everyone have it every time someone deserves it?!?
It seems like I hold everything in for a few months then just go nuts and want to punch everyone in the throat.



I could go on and on about the world and what I dont like about people and why I probably have no friends, but really I know no one cares and I probably could eaisily start a facebook/blog fight, and I think those are as stupid as a new self portrait on facebook/instagram everyday or spouting off about religion that you know nothing about.

In other (good) news, we went into escrow today on a piece of land, let the house planning begin!

We are heading into a 4 day weekend for Grace, hopefully we can make it without threatening to abuse her to many times! She never stops talking, but it is also a slow talking, a slow, never stop,just on and on, talking all the time, talker!

I was going to take Grace around to "kick" valentines, but apparently no one does that around here, was it just a Utah thing, so we just took a few around.

My mom is doing a little better after her surgery, but Steve just fell and fractured his hand, in the past 3 months they have been robbed, my mom had emergence surgery and Steve just had pins put in, I think they have a curse! If you need a good laugh look up how to reverse a cruse!!!

Lastly, I need a kick boxing class, I have alot of aggression and think that would be a great way to get rid of it, anyone know if they offer it close?! 

My amazing sister Jerrica

 I wanted to take some time to write about my amazing sister and her family.

Most people who read my blog know about Jerrica and her family and somewhat know about Owen and his health problems. I am not going to go into much detail about that, I just want to take some time and write about how strong Jerrica is.

Growing up we were close in age, we were always friends, except for those times I would literally kick her ass, for real we would have full on wrestling matches!!
I feel like when you get out of the house and start having kids and family's of your own you appreciate your sisters more and more.
I love both my sisters and miss them dearly! 

When Jerrica found out she was having twins, I was so excited and scared for her. I know how hard a twin pregnancy is on your body, and the worry of having babies born early and ending up in the hospital.
I always felt like out of the 3 of us, I was the strong one, I could handle anything, I am a robot when it comes to feelings, ask anyone, and when one of my sisters had a problem I would try hard to fix it.
So when Jerrica called me and told me that one of the twins was probably going to be born without a kidney I ate alot of fried food and got sick, cause when you grow up you realize that sometime "big sister" cant fix crap!

The day came when Jerrica had the boys and my mom was giving us all updates all day. Owen and Hudson were here, and it wasnt even Owen, (the one without a kidney), that was having a hard time for the first little while! I think at least for the first little while we all thought, "ok, everything is going to be ok."

I feel like after that it has been one thing after the other with Owen. It actually doesnt just feel like that, it has been one thing after the other.

Jerrica and I have switched places, She is the strong one.
She is going through honest hell and she holds it together while I break down talking to her on the phone.
Sometimes she calls me with her sad stories and i just sit and silently sob, I thought I hid it well, but she will say, "do we need to go and you can call me back?" 

Her and Joey are amazing.
They are the best parents that you can imagine.

Joey is in the Navy and he is such a great dad, husband and such a hard worker. I really dont think that Jerrica could have found someone more perfect for her.
He looks at her with such love, while she glares back at him, (haha) and thinks that she can fix anything with her glue gun!

Most anyone who reads my blog is a mom, can you imagine having your child stop breathing in your arms, having one of your twins at home and one at the hospital for most of their lives, having that mothers guilt over everything only the guilt she feels is something the most of us will luckily never have to feel.
And she still gets up every morning, puts her lashes on and takes it one day at a time.

When anyone asks me about Jerrica and how she and the kids, mostly Owen, are doing I get emotional, sometime I cry, sometimes I just say "they are doing good, Jerrica is amazing."
When I think about her and what her family has gone through the last little while, I am sad, sad because no child should be sick, no mom or dad should have to worry about their baby.

I honestly look at Jerrica in amazement. She is everything I hope to be in a mom.

I hope that she always remembers that this is just a bend in the road.

She has started a blog, She is going from the beginning of her story.
I think it will be great for her to write it all down, sometimes that is the best therapy, and I truly believe that her story will someday help a mother who feels lost and alone and is asking "why me".

You can read about from the beginning what has been going on with Jerrica, Joey and their family here.....
http://www.therevays.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-beginning.html

I wish I could express how proud I am of both Jerrica and Joey, but really all I can say is that they are amazing.