1 year later

Today marks one year from my last day of radiation.

This last year has been good to me,
I have had really good days, and really terrible days (that sometimes linger into really long sad weeks).

Even 1 year later I have a lot of cancer issues that will linger with me for the rest of my life.

Some of the physical things I still struggle with are...
Tiredness, I do really great, then I hit a wall and am just tired.
I think a lot of it has to do with the tamoxifen I will be taking for the next 9 years.
The tamoxifen also makes my body hurt, sometimes its bad, sometimes it doesn't bother me at all.
Radiation ruined my left side. I have SO much scar tissue build up that it is frustrating. Some days I wear my compression bands, they kinda help. I try and stretch to help with the scar tissue, but I think some physical therapy is in my future.
I still don't have much for strength, I should probably start to lift weights or something to help.
Also, Chemo brain, wow, some days are bad.
I have no memory, if I dont write it down and keep reminding myself, I forget.
I forget everything.
I cant keep a train of thought, it is like I have ADD, bad.
Some days when I know I am tired, I try to avoid people cause I hate to talk to people and sound crazy. Some times I cant think of words, mid sentence I forget what I am saying, and even though I know who you are, I cant remember your name for the life of me.

Emotionally I do really great, till I don't.
I get particularly nervous and sad and scared and anxious before I see Dr. Wu.
I swear it is a form of PTSD.
I had a hard time when a women I knew passed away from cancer.
I didn't leave my house, I didn't turn on my tv I stayed off facebook, and I avoided people as much as possible.
I felt so sad for her family and couldn't help but picture my kids as hers,
Kyle as her husband,
and me as her.

Cancer is a terrible and horrible disease.
It has forever changed the way I look at life, my kids, Kyle, and the little things in life.
It changed the way my kids think and how they see the world.
It changed Kyle and I's relationship.
In less than 2 years, our lives have changed so much but we are liking this new normal that we live. 

I still repeat these saying daily to remind me,

This to shall pass

 &

Surrender to what is 

Let go of what was 

Have faith in what will be 

I think we have all heard the story of "the egg, the potato, and the coffee" all going throught the same thing but came out different. 

I think I am the coffee bean, I changed and became something new. 

Cancer sucks.... balls!

I go in for surgery on tomorrow, I get my hard expanders out and soft implants in.
It is bringing up all kinds of emotions, I am really nervous and scare, but excited too!
I think it will be alot like getting a regular boob job, but they will be scrapping all of my scar tissue and I have heard that is not pleasant, at all.
I have a hard time comparing it to a boob job, because well... getting a voluntary boob job done is not like what I have had to do.

The girls are freaking out over me going in, I have tried to make it happy good thing, but that still doesn't stop the questions and the tears.
The plan changed a little on how to get them to Grandmas house and there was major meltdowns this morning. (I have ruined them cause none of us deal with plans changing well.)
Grace was sad because she wouldn't be able to see me before she left,
Alaynna said she was going to miss me and cried hysterically, 
and Addison was fine, cause shes the peace keeper at this house! 
I really hope this cancer thing hasn't ruined my children.

It's been awhile since I wrote anything down, chemo brain makes it really hard to write and make any sense. I cant make my mouth say the word I am trying to, that is if I can think of the word I am trying to say. I have always sucked at spelling, but I honestly cant spell anything anymore, Google is my best friend!
I occasionally have no tact, but when I am tired, well I have none, steer clear!!

I have always been pretty anti social, but lately it has gotten even worst.
I don't leave my house unless Kyle makes me, and when I have to, I get a horrible scared feeling inside.
When I do venture out,
I think everyone is looking at me,
wondering why I look so old now,
why my hair is short,
if I am going to die,
did they get it all.
I know that in reality no one even notices me, and when they do they wish me well.
But I have some issues,
cancer issues.
I have really been asked (multiple times) why I cut my hair short? and Did they get it all?
Both questions are my least favorite, ever, and I imagine high five-ing you in the face.

Most days, (when I don't leave my house), I am good, but then the littlest things set me off into a tail spin,
(don't watch Chasing Life my fellow cancer people.)
of depression and panic attacks.
I feel like no one understands me, I have hair now so I am all good.
I don't know if emotionally I have ever been this crazy.

I'm pretty sure I am still in denial about even having cancer.
I wonder who came up with the term 'battling cancer'. I feel like this last year I just sat in my chair, falling asleep, waiting for the next doctor appointment. I don't think I 'battled' anything.
I don't know what to say to people about this 'cancer experience'.
Do I even mention that I have had cancer, and how do I say it?
I have not battled cancer, I sat in my chair binge watching netflix, hoping to feel better the next day.

But, with all things considered, life here at the Leavitt home is good.
We are counting down till the fair, the twins birthday, 2 new nieces, and summer! 
If this last year of sitting in my chair has taught me anything it would be how much I love my little family. 
I cant wait to get the girls back on Sunday and yell at them for being messy and loud and crazy! 

Cancer post

I really have not been on the computer lately and when I am it is just to check my bank account and pay bills...
well and get on Pinterest so I can dream about homesteading!
It has been so nice outside so I spend alot of my time out there listening to kids play!
Also the twins got sick and through me all off. 

For the most part I have been feeling really good, like so good that I have been scared something bad was going to happen.
I guess that is the realist pessimist in me! 
I go out and rake leaves, start fires, and make Kyle build things like chicken brooders and fence for me! I usually have one or two really productive days, then I wear myself out and dont do alot for a day or two.

Valentines week was a really hard one for me.
It is weeks like that when I realize I am not the woman I was before this last year.
I was that mom who would make cute boxes, have the girls dressed cute, hearts in their hair, and a cute treat for the class, teachers, office ladies, and neighbors,
and be able to still do things like clean the house and make dinner. 
When Grace was in kindergarten, her box was awesome. I spent days on it.
The twins got a shoe box that was cute and we put there names on it. They were really happy with them and I had keep telling myself that.
I did get caramels made and thanks to Laura and my children for making me feel like I can still do something right!

This year I was barley keeping my head above water, I felt like I was drowning, I was scared, sad, nervous, and mad. 
Since the beginning of this shitty cancer experience I have always compared it to being thrown into the ocean with sharks, maybe it is because I am deathly afraid of water and fish,
and this experience some days is terrifying.

I went to see Dr. Anne to make sure my skin looks good enough for my soft implant surgery. She said that she thinks I will be so happy with the end result.
I can not wait to have these hard expanders out and the soft ones in.
I will probably throw a soft boob party, but for real! 
I go in to surgery on March 21st, I am counting down the days!!

I really cant complain,
my hair is starting to grow, my eyelashes have fell out again, but are coming back, I feel great most days,
And I dont worry about the cancer coming back near as much as I was.
I dont know if it is cause I dont watch TV and dont get on the computer often so I can stay away from cancer stuff, or if it is cause I am taking my oils religiously, exercising, and eating healthier, or it could be time.
It is probably a little of all those things!
And, if you cant tell for the randomness of this post, I still have chemo brain, I blame it on the tamoxifen. That means that I get to use that as an excuse for the next 10 years.

Life after treatment

Life after treatment is a weird thing.
When I was going in for my mastectomy, I knew what was going to happen, I researched and prepared for all things.
When I started chemo, I was scared, but I knew what could/would happen. I mentally prepared for it, I knew I would be tired, not feel good, and lose my hair.
When they told me I needed to have radiation, I thought "well this sucks, but I can do this, I know what is expected."

Each time I had to do something with the 'treatment' part of the disease,
I was ok,
I was in survivors mode,
just get through this much and then lets conquer the next step.

Now, 1 year after my mastectomy, 8 months after chemo, 5 months after radiation, I thought my life would be back to 'normal', not that I can even remember what 'normal' is.
No doctor can tell you what happens after your hair grows back and you look healthy,
it is the unknown.

Most days I am fine and dont have freak outs, but somedays I work myself into a fit.
Something triggers the worry that "Is that pain in my hip just cause I need to go to the chiropractor? or is 'it' coming back."
Sometimes it is a story I read or see on the news about cancer coming back or someone that has died from cancer.
Sometimes I think it is because I havent slept good and am more emotional.
Or days like today, I hate my hair and just want it long.
I dont say it out loud,
but I hate that my hair is short, not really that its short, but that I didn't choose to have it short.
I hate that my boobs aren't normal, and even when they look normal, its not like they are real.
I hate the scars, I counted 13 scars from my c-section scar to my mastectomy scars. Some scars I dont mind more than others.
I hate that I look old now.
I hate that I lost a year of my life.
I hate that sometimes it feels like all I am in a cancer patient. 
I hate that I question everything, am I eating good enough, am I teaching my kids to eat good, should I exercise more, am I getting enough sleep, is it dark enough when I sleep, should I be taking the tamoxifen, should I get a hysterectomy.

I tell myself I am entitled to a bad day ever now and again, but not two in a row!
I had my freak out, cried in the shower, cried to Kyle, then took some deep breathes, got a good nights rest,
and
I am ok, I am fine, and I am healthy.
I am more than a cancer patient.  

Sad cancer update!

It's been awhile since I did a "sad cancer post".

The biggest reason is cause I have chemo brain, horribly!!!!!!! Kyle is always saying that I have Alzheimer's cause that really is how bad it is some days. It is very frustrating! 
I can be talking, and right in the middle of my sentence and I will forget what I am saying, or where I was going with the pointless story I am telling. 
I also forget words, or I cant remember the word I am trying to say. 
And if I dont set an alarm or write a note, it will not get done. 
Like when I forgot I told Grace to stay after school cause she had piano, and then didnt pick her up till the school called me!!!!! Ya, I am that mom now. 
I have always been so organized and controlling, and I am neither now, cause I honestly dont have the brain power to be either. 
Did I mention it was very frustrating, cause it is!!! 

I was texting with one of my pink sisters and she also said that was one of the hardest parts of this post cancer treatment life. We both are on the tamoxifen so I am guessing that is a big part of why the chemo brain is still here. Also I have noticed if it isnt the chemo brain my new friends are going through, it is the damn hot flashes, they are something terrible!

Another reason I havent wrote in awhile, not even on my cancer-versary, (December 4th), is because as I look back at this last year, I feel like all I ever was, was a cancer patent.
And I am really sick of cancer!

I have mostly good days, but there are some bad days in there. The good seem to be great and the bad seems to be really bad. But I get through it and I wake up the next morning and try to not have more than one bad day in a row.

I haven't had to go to any doctors appointments since the first part of December. I got the great news that I should get my soft implants in March! I could have went one more time to Dr. Anne and had one more fill, but I was so over the doctors and the pain that I am just going to hope they look wonderful!
I go in for my 4 month check up Monday, just to talk to Dr. Wu and Dr. Pomerantz (the oncologist and radiation oncologist) and get some blood drawn, without a port, blahhh! The only good thing about the port was how much easier it made getting blood.

My energy levels are coming back to normal for the most part. Most days I feel great and can get alot done, and then there are some days that I am really tired and just want to sit around all day. But hey that just means I still can play the cancer card if I need to!

Another post cancer treatment issue is my radiated side sucks, ha! I dont have great mobility with it, it gets tired easier than the other side, and its stiff. I am going to ask about physical therapy and hopefully start that soon and make it better. I really think once my soft implants are in, it will be alot better!

I hope to have a very uneventful 2015, only filled with good, or at the very least, not bad things!
This last year has been a learning and growing experience, I feel like it has really made me a better version of myself.
I think I am more patient, positive, loving, appreciate the small things in my life, and less judgmental.
I have learned alot about myself this last year, and even thought it really was horrible, I got through it, all is well, and that is a really comforting feeling!

cancer sucks....

Last time I wrote anything cancer related, I was waiting to get a MRI done.
I drove into Vegas, clear down in the ghetto, paid $170 and waited an hour before going back. I had to fill out paper work and it asked if I had breast expanders in, I checked yes.
The nurse reads over my papers, not well, and says "breast implants."
I say,"What?"
"You have breast implants, not expander."
"Ummmmmm........ No. I have breast expanders."
"No, you have to have had a mastectomy to have breast expanders put in."
"Yes, I know, I have had a double mastectomy"
"No, you would have had to have had breast cancer to have had a mastectomy."
"I have had breast cancer. I've had a double mastectomy, and chemo, and radiation, all for breast cancer, and I do have breast expanders in, read my paper work."
As she looks it over, "Well I cant do a MRI if you have expander in." 

I about killed somebody, but I kept my cool, got a refund and got the hell out of there!
Also before that, I went and got measured for a compression arm band. The girl has my drivers license and is taking some information down, when she says "Why would you cut your pretty long hair off?" I about killed her. I said "well I've had cancer, so it wasn't really a choice."
I wish I would have added, "and thanks for adding to my insecurities about my short hair. "
but I didn't, cause I don't like unnecessary conflict. 

I deal with some of the stupidest people.

The next week I went in for a CT scan and I got those results yesterday, the damn cyst is gone!
Which is a great thing!
This little scare aged Kyle and I at least 10 years. It brought back all those scary feelings and thoughts. 
Dr. Wu said he just got really nervous when he seen the ultrasound results and wanted to catch it as soon as he could, if it was cancer. I feel lucky that he is so observant, but man alive he freaks out about every little thing!
I still need to go in for an ultra sound at the end of the month, but I really don't know if I am going to, I am so so so so, over going to the doctor. Only a few more times at Dr. Annes and it really is going to slow down. I cant wait!


Cancer has changed the way I think about alot of things.

Something that has came up to much on facebook is the death with dignity.
Everyone has an opinion and I wish they would just keep those opinions to themselves. 
Honestly stop judging,
Have you walked a mile in their shoes?
No, you haven't.
Most of you people who have something to say about it have never been through chemo, surgery's, been told you have cancer or some other terminal disease, been told you have 6 months to live, or had to really consider death.
So please do us all a favor and stop judging, stop trying to convince everyone to see it from your prospective, live your life and let everyone else live their lives.

Another thing I cant handle, the negative people, or the people who are mean.
I honestly don't have the patience for it anymore, I cant even pretend to be nice or civil some days. If I don't speak to you, it is because I really truly believe that if you have nothing nice to say, shut the hell up.
So if you say something rude to me and I walk out of the room you are in, thank your lucky stars that I am not as tackless as you and practice the "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule.

Along with that are the people who complain about there lives, or petty things,
all the freaking time.
If you don't like something in your life,
change it. 

I guess that is enough on my soap box, for now!!!

Is this the bird dive bombing me?

The doctor this week really sucked.
Dr. Anne was first and I waited in the waiting room for almost 2 hours.
I had big plans for her to put 100cc's in my left side and 50cc's in my right to even them out and get really close to being done.
She started with my left one and she got to almost 40cc's and my tissue started tearing and it started pushing back. So now I sit here for the next week in pain for 40cc's.

I also had a ultrasound, just to check on things since tamoxifen can increase your chances of uterine cancer.
I had to drink 40 oz of water.
I was in the waiting room for an hour and a half when a lady finally came and told me that I had got lost in the shuffle and they would get me back as soon as possible.
Remember I had drank 40 oz of water.
When they got me back about 30 minutes later, the lady was very rude with me and told me I had not drank the water I was suppose to and she was sending me back to drink more and wait longer.
I kindly told her that she was being a bitch and I didn't want her do my ultrasound and to find someone else.
So after drinking another bottle of water and waiting 20 more minutes, they finally got me back.
I was so mad, I was crying,
it was just another doctors office, wasting my time.

When the different lady was doing it, she was making weird faces and huffing and puffing.
I said to her, "I have spent the last year in doctors offices and those sounds are making me nervous."
She said she was a perfectionist and she just couldn't get the pictures she wanted.
That didn't put my mind at ease.
She was very nice and so I wasn't mean to her.
As I was leaving she looked at me with that "pity" in her eyes and said "good luck on your results"

I got to the car and had a come apart. I was sobbing, heaving, and having a panic attack.
It was a long horrible day and "good luck on your results" is not words you want to hear.

I cried the whole way home, came home and told Kyle all about it, and then we cried about it.
Is this our lives, one scan to the next, hoping for the best?
After crying about it all the next day, I woke up and thought I am calling today for the results to put my mind at ease.

At 9:30 my phone rang, it was Dr. Moss's office, my gyno.
The receptionist said they got my results and Dr. Moss wanted to talk to me today at 11:30. My mind went blank and I said NO, I have Halloween stuff, I will come in on Monday.
As soon as I hung up I collapsed on the floor,
is this the shoe falling,
is this the bird dive bombing my head,
is this shit happening again?

I knew I couldn't wait till Monday, so I called them back and she said she could get me in at 2, so I called Kyle.
I tried to be calm in telling him, but he could see through it and came home to save me.
I called Dr. Wu's office and Jan finally called me back to let me know they called me in a MRI stat........

My heart fell, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. 
She said it was a different mass (I have a cyst we already knew about) and because of my history they are taking extra precautions and want to move fast.
She didn't make me feel better.

When we got to Dr. Mosses, she got me right back and explained what she thinks it is and that she wasn't worried and that it probably isn't anything.
She did a CA 125 blood test (the ovarian cancer tumor marker test) to see what those levels are.
We get those back Friday. 
It will be a really good indicator on if it is cancer or not.
If it is, it is fast growing, and that scares me so bad.

It makes me so mad that this is my life,
I am scared of everything, I have never been like this.
I just look at the girls and think "no, I can not leave them".
Being scared to die is a fear that is always in the back of my mind,
it is a fear that is crippling,
it is a fear I would wish on no one.

Today was Thursday, my insides have been in a knot, I cant hold a conversation cause I am on the verge of tears, and I am freaking out.
Tomorrow cant come fast enough.

Friday has came and went.
Dr. Moss called me, even though she wasn't in the office.
A number in the 1000's is very scary, a number in he 100's is worrisome, anything under 35 is "normal".
My number was 16.
She felt very good about all of it after looking at my previous CT and PET scans and the blood test.
I now go in on Monday for a MRI.
Then I will go in for an ultrasound at the end of the month, if the mass has shrank, it should go away on its own, if it stays the same we will watch it, if it gets bigger she will take it out.
She said that she really hates getting ultrasounds done for nothing, most women get cysts and they go away on their own and since we don't go in for ultrasounds all the time, we usually have no idea that we've even had them.

I feel good about it, I am still nervous, but I am realizing that is just life after cancer, your scared of everything.
More than anything I am frustrated that this is our lives, scan after scan, watching, waiting, hoping for the best.
Most of my "cancer" friends, are on an anti anxiety/depression pill and they all say it has helped them with everything. When I go in this next week I think I am going to see what my doctor says, cause there are some days I really need some help getting through.

Tough enough to wear pink

Last Saturday was Tough Enough To Wear Pink. I woke up Saturday nervous, I knew people would be looking at me, and that made me nervous, ha!

But as soon as we got there I seen familiar faces, and Ashley who hugged me and made me feel so much better!
We got some of Rik's BBQ and then went and watched all the lady's ride. The girls had so much fun running around with friends and it was so nice to see people who love me there.
It was a hot day so Kyle came and got us our shade and some ice. It made the rest of the day much more comfortable!
Next year we will just bring it with us from the beginning! 

When Ashley asked me months ago if they could do this for me, I was hesitant, but then I thought "yes people do stuff like this cause they want to."

I think the picture of me "ugly" crying shows my emotions better than I could put into words.
I have never felt love and support like that from strangers and new and old friends. It was a very humbling experience for us.
Even as I sit here and look at the pictures and write this,  I am crying. It was something I will never be able to put into words.

Next year I cant wait to help out, I am going to make it my mission to get some people in the stands to  watch the wonderful ladies ride!

I am SO glad Amanda stuck around all day, I made her take pictures for me, shes the best!! 

pink washed

Its October, that usually means my birthday, pumpkins, fall, Halloween, and great weather.
But now that means pink, boobs, cancer, cancer horror stories, and so much pink.

My girls are always drawing "my cancer ribbons" and when we see a women wearing scarf or a bald man, the girls say "hey, she or he got your cancer"
Grace and I had a long talk about how you can die from cancer, if my cancer is gone, if it is going to come back, if she could get it. She has alot of questions and since cancer is everywhere right now it only makes it worst.
I never wanted my kids to know about such grown up things like cancer. Now every picture they draw for me has "my cancer ribbon" on it.

I am getting expanded again, it is not pleasant.
The few days after I get expanded I wonder if I should have even done it, it might have been easier to be boob less and it sure as hell would have been less painful.
My radiated side is not doing great.
They have to fill it very slowly cause radiation has built up scar tissue. When they put 50cc's in last time my scare tissue tore and my expander was folded down and "pop'd" open. It still hurts, 3 days later. They also filled the right side first with 100cc's and so now I am lopsided.

I think because I thought this was the "easy" part it is making it worst, cause its not that easy.

Here are a few thoughts on PINK washing and October....

FYI: 

• Being bra-less shows NO support for breast cancer patients. Most of us have no nipples, or have expanders that are NOT anything like real boobs. And even when we get our fake boobs, they dont look real and they hurt and they have scars. Just don't do the no bra thing for awareness or support, you might get slapped by one of us boob-less bitches!
• When you buy something pink, or go to a "pink" party, make sure the money is going to cancer research or to an actually cancer patient. Most of that is not true, most companies just use it to make money. Having "pink" party's and buying the pink cup or sticker doesn't raise awareness, it just makes those big company richer.
• Pink might be pretty, but cancer is not. Nothing about cancer is pretty. I have lost my breast, I have pain, I have horrible panic attacks, depression happens, I am tired, the tamoxifen gives me headaches, and so many other not pretty things that are still happening. Not one day goes by that I dont worry about cancer coming back, every new pain, bump, lump makes you wonder. 
• Cancer is not pretty, 
• Cancer is not pink. 
• For me personally, it is not about early detection.To me it is about getting to know your body and making doctors listen to you. I also don't think that early detection does jack for those stage 4 metastasized  breast cancer fighters. 
• So when you donate, donate to research, not awareness. We are all very aware of cancer, we just need to find why we get it and how to stop it. 

The girls are drawing pictures of me with hair now!! I guess that means I finally really do have hair!

 

My port is out!!! It wasn't that bad to get out, just local anesthesia.
I really dislike the surgeon who put it in and took it out, he is a D-Bag.......!!!!!! I was so very close to tell him that, but he was standing over me cutting into my skin and cauterizing veins, so I held back!

I was cleaning Grace's room, and when you clean you have to look through piles of her junk!
I found this.
It says...
Tonight
I feel tired
I am scared of cancer.

I cried for hours after I found it.
Cause I can only imagine her worry and stress. I just wanted to hold her and rock her.
A few nights after I found it, when I could talk about it without crying, I asked if she wanted to talk about cancer. She asked me questions and cried and I cried with her.

This year has sucked.

 

update

Every year when school starts and summer is over, I think life will slow down, get back to normal, but it doesn't
This year more than ever it feels like we are always running somewhere or doing something. With all the girls in school I thought I would get more done, but I haven't felt very good and have been going to the doctor every Monday.

Last Monday I went and seen Dr. Wu and had my blood test done.
I was SO nervous all week, but just tried to not think about it.
On Thursday morning, 9:00 AM, on the dot I called to get me results, and left a message.
They are really good to call back quickly, but not this day. As the day went on, I worked myself up more and more, cried all morning, and pretty sure made myself sicker.
In July my number was 44, "normal" is 38 and under.

My number on Monday was 22,
half of what it was and way below "normal"!!
My potassium and calcium was low, and my white count was a little elevated.
I am suppose to drink orange juice every morning and make sure to take all my supplements. 
I dont have to go back and see Dr. Wu till January. I am happy about that, but at the same time it scares me. That's 4 months of not being reassured that I am ok.
But that just means that I should be moving forward.

I went to Dr. Annes office the same day and got the go ahead to start expanding again. She is going to go slow at first and make sure my skin can take it.
Radiation ruins your skin. It can take 3 to 4 months before your skin is back in good shape, (I hope it doesnt take that long for mine to bounce back, but it is what it is.)
I have one spot that she is kinda worried about, but she has lots of options for me.
I just need to be patient she says....

I have also have had a kidney infection that really got me down. I got into alot of trouble by Dr. Wu for waiting so long, but I really dont enjoy going to doctors more that I have to.
I got on a really strong antibiotic and after 3 days I finally feel better. I think I learned my lesson this time and will go in earlier next time.

The one thing that I still am having a hard time with is how tired I get.
It seems like I feel good one day and so I think I should do everything I can, and I make jelly, clean the house, rake leaves, and other things that dont really need to be done. Then it takes me 3 days to recuperate, and it starts over.

My hair is getting long, it is coming in curly and grey.
It is thinner than it was,
but I guess at least I have hair.

Some days, like today, I wish this last year would have never happened and life was like it was, including my hair.

some thoughts

We have not stopped going for the last little while, between the wedding, a reunion, school, canning, the reception, the flood,(mostly just cause Kyle was out all night fixing the power problems, so I was up waiting for him.) I feel like I have not stopped.
Also I deleted Facebook off my phone and I hardly ever get on my computer, I felt like it was taking over my life and I watched enough tv and sat on the computer for the first 6 months of this year that I just thought I needed to slow down with the screen time! 

All this going is finally catching up with me, I cant seem to get any energy and am just so tired, but I keep saying "aren't all grown ups too tired?!" It is very frustrating to want to do things but just not have your body cooperate. I thought my energy levels would come up a lot more than they have, it could be the tamoxifen or it could be that I only have been done with chemo for 3 and a half months. 

The girls are loving school! It is nice cause we wake up and I get them off to school and then have a few hours to try and get something done. Most of the days I have been canning peaches and jelly, its a new hobby of mine! 

I was suppose to go to the doctor this week, but since the flood took out the freeway and all the crazy people are going the back way I decided to reschedule for next week. I will be happy to have my blood done and see what my numbers look like. If I could, I would go in for blood or a scan or something every other week just so I know that nothing is coming back.

Radiation has been over for almost 3 weeks.
My skin is still pretty burnt, but it is looking and feeling better.
My hair is coming in great, I went and got a "haircut" on Monday, mostly she just shaved my neck and cleaned it up a little. She also buzzed my face for me, I have little fuzz hair growing everywhere!

I have been out and about more and see more people, I love that they all say they like my short hair, but really you cant tell a cancer patient that they look like shit with short hair, it just isn't allowed!
I dont know why but when strangers say "how brave" I am for having my hair cut so short, it takes all I have to not say, "listen here, I am not brave, this was not a choice, cancer took it away from me", but I dont I just smile and say thanks cause they are complementing me!

I have been asked a lot about what my prognosis is. I really don't know what to say when they ask, cause only time will tell.
Everything looks great for now, but honestly you or I could walk out and get ran over by a bus, or my cancer could come back, or you could get cancer,
so my prognosis is life, i guess.

There are those people who get breast cancer, (or any cancer) who go pink crazy. I am not one of those.
Will I rock my cancer shirts and pink in October, yes for sure. But I have looked into all those "pink" things that you buy and hardly, if any, money actually goes to breast cancer fighters or research.
So I have decided every year I will just do something to raise a little money for someone going through cancer.

I have also found that I dont really like to be called a survivor.
What have I "survived"?
Have I really "survived"?
Aren't we all just surviving life?
Instead of a survivor I like the word fighter. Cause lets be honest I am still fighting, we all are.

Cancer is only a small part of me, in fact it was only less than 4 cm of me, yet it has seemed to take over my life.
But I am slowly pushing it out and letting all the good, happy, normal stuff come back!

The afterlife....

Long drives to Vegas by yourself give you a lot if time to think.

I've leaned a lot about myself in the last few months, one thing that I am realizing is that I don't know how to talk about myself or personal stuff, so I keep a lot if that inside, write on my blog, or I tell Kyle, he's the only one who I tell all that too.

Radiation has been hard, hard in a very different way than chemo was.
I am not sick, or exhausted, but I am tired and sad, and hungry.
With chemo there was so much support, everyone wore pink for me, texts making sure I was still alive, calls that I was to tired to answer, I felt alot of support from everyone.
Radiation, well I haven't had a lot of people checking in on me, in 20 treatments, no one has wore pink, and really the first 3 weeks of radiation were harder emotionally than the 4 months of chemo. 
Sometimes it feels like I was diagnosed with chemo not cancer, after chemo was over then people just think you are healed, but really that's the time when you need the most support. 
But I am over it and I probably had a lot more support than I think, I was a black rain cloud and couldn't see it.

After going into Vegas 5 days a week, right in the middle of the day, I am tired and I get nothing done.
By the time Friday gets here I just want to sit and take a nap and not leave my house.

But.......
Tomorrow is the last day of radiation, (thank the good Lord above). 

I am surprisingly not as sun burnt as I thought I would be, and after changing where they treat on Tuesday, my throat is already feeling better! 

Kyle says I am a roller coaster, and I am!
Last week I was low, like way low. Everything made me sad, then mad, then frustrated, then sad again. I cried alot, and I never cry.

This week, I am a ball of sunshine and everyone who irritates me I pretend they don't exist, and it is working!
I am feeling like I thought I would after I finished chemo,
like I can breath finally.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So tomorrow by 10 in the AM, I will be done and get a whole week of not having to go to Vegas, I am doing a happy dance already!!!

blahhh....

You'd think that after treatment you would feel so much better, emotionally, but man I don't.

I read once that after treatment is over you feel worthless cause all the jobs you use to do have been taken over by other people. I didn't think that would be me cause I thought I did alot of what I always do.
But now I see that Kyle is the one that has taken over all my jobs. He cooks, cleans, takes such great care of the girls.
It scares me, cause he and the girls would be fine without me, they just all take care of themselves. I mean they would live in a dirty home and eat alot of frozen pizza, but they would be fine.
I wish that thought brought me more comfort than it does.
It should, that means that my girls are going to grow up looking for an amazing man like their dad and they will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves and a home.
But at the same time, what about me?

I spend more days in the shower crying then I did through all of chemo.
I am starting to see that chemo numbs you, its such a struggle to get through everyday that you have no time to feel any real emotion other than tiredness.
I just don't know how to get back to normal. I am not the same person I was before December 4th. I want that person back.

I have learned to have a thicker skin, cause wowzer people say some dumb things, I am going to tell you a few things to NEVER say to a cancer patient that I have heard in the last few months...

• "Well I just hope they got it all." Ya me to dumb ass, in fact I have panic attacks thinking about it, but thanks for bringing that up. 
• "You look great...... for all that you have been through." Just tell me I look good, no need to add that last part, I know I look like a cancer patient. 
• "I know just what you have been through cause I had (fill in the blank with something that is NOTHING like cancer) that I have been going through." ummmmmmmmm...... No, that is not the same, not even close to the same thing. 
• "Well at least you got some nice boobs out of it." Ya you should see them, all scared up where they have been cut and had all of my breast tissue scraped from my body. But ya a year of pure hell was totally worth nice boobs. 
• "My grandpa, grandma, aunt twice removed, had cancer and died." well that is nice, I can tell how sensitive that made you toward other people.....
• "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan for you." Oh ya does his plan include punching you in the face, cause that's about to happen.
• Then the strangers who just stare or give you weird looks, honestly a smile goes a long ways, wave and smile, don't stare.

Then there are most people who have been wonderful and just ask how I am and that I look great bald.
And really most people are not dumb, and other people who are my friends have said things they thought I would take wrong and immediately apologized. I know its a hard thing to know what to say, but the above statement should NEVER be said!

Not every emotion I have is bad, I have learned to love my body that has been failing me the last little while.
I have always been a girl with pretty hair,
and well,
I am bald now. I am sorry but NO ONE looks good with no eyelashes or eyebrows. I have had to look at myself with disfigured boobs, then nicer boobs, and now weird looking skin where my boobs use to be a month ago.
I have learned that through it all I am still me, I have had to look for different things that I find pretty about myself, and I have come to accept my body and all of the curves and extra squish that I have. Plus like a good friends says, "my bald head makes my eyes pop!"

I am almost half way through radiation, I am tired, but it will be fine. School starts soon and then we can get into a routine and maybe find a new normal for us that doesn't involve me going to the the doctor or not feeling good.

Best News Ever!

I have been so worried about my stupid tumor marker numbers, its like a nagging voice that is always in the back of my head.

So when Dr. Wu called me and told me that my number have gone down, I cried tears of happiness and I honestly felt a weight come off my shoulders.
He said he was so happy and as soon as the numbers came in he called! 

The only thing that has changed is my oils that I have been taking religiously,
coincidence?
I think not!

I thought I would be funny and text Kyle, all it said was
Dr. Wu called......

He had a little break down and called me upset cause he was sure it was bad news.
When I told him, he told me to never do that again to him, he didn't think it was as funny as I did!
He is still mad at me, 2 days later! 

Sometimes I forget that he is the one that wakes me up at night when my crying in my sleep wakes him up,
He is the one that has had to take care of me when I couldnt make it up out of my chair,
He's had to be the mom and dad,
Hes had to wonder about life without me,
He's had to be strong, when I couldnt be.
We have been through things that I would never wish on any couple, but we are stronger for it.

I get down in the dumps, cause honestly cancer and everything that goes with it SUCKS BALLS.
But ive got eyelashes and almost eyebrows and little chemo fuzz hair
and I feel like a human again, I make dinner, I clean house, I leave the house, I get out of my chair, I have energy!
So everything is alright, everything will be just fine, and this to shall pass.

If you look really close and kinda squint your eyes, you can see HAIR!!!!!

blahhhh.......

I wrote this last week, this is 1 reason why I havent posted in awhile.....

So, I'm on one this week...
I am tired.
I'm pissed that I am flat again, not only am I bald, I get to have no boobs for a wedding.
Facebook posts make me want to throw my computer against the wall,
I feel like I don't have anyone who wants to listen to me be all negative and my "man life sucks somedays" spill i have going on, but man life sucks somedays!
Since I can feel the negativity and meanness, I have tried to stay away from my phone and humans this week, just in case I take something you say or the mean way you look at me, wrong.

I cant seem to more forward as much as I would love to.
Its like I cant get it out of my mind,
Do I still have cancer?
Is it somewhere else, or everywhere?
Am I "thinking" more cancer into my body?
Is that new pain cancer?
Am I ever going to be able to move forward?
Why cant I stop thining about cancer?
Why cant I gt in a happier mood?

Blahhhhhh..........

But life goes on, kids want you to watch them do weird things and so you have to pretend to be happy and get over the shitty hand you've been dealt and just get over it.

I go back in to the doctor on Monday for some more blood test and then I will start radiation 2 weeks after that.


Fast forward to now......
I took a little trip to California with my dad and got to see Jerrica and her family from Friday to Saturday. It was a so wonderful to get to hug them all, I miss my sisters so bad. The only bad thing about the whole trip was that it kicked my butt, I still dont have much energy so I spent Sunday sleeping!

Monday was doctor day and I took Grace in with me. It was just blood and talking.

My tumor marker test is still high, that worries him.
So if when I go back in September they havent went down I will have a PET scan, so hopefully they go down alittle.
I told Dr. Wu I still get tired easy and he said I had to give myself some time to recuperate and also the tamoxifen could be making me tired to.
I asked "so does that mean I can use that as an excuse to get out of anything", and he said "yes, for the next 10 years I have a get out of anything pass!"  
I could have started radiation this Thursday but I decided to wait and go to Utah for my favorite holiday!
So I start on the 28th, 5 days a week for 4 weeks, a total of 20 treatments.

Grace and I did some school shopping, she loves to shop and so we shopped till I dropped!

I have heard people say that they have had a hard time adjusting after treatment,
I thought I would be different,
I thought I would be relived to not go to the doctor every other week for blood test and
I thought I would love not having poison pumped through my body. 
But when you are going and doing something to kill/keep the cancer away, your doing something.
Now I feel like I am doing nothing, is it going to come back?

Every pain I have, every headache I get, I wonder "is this it?"
I know it is so stupid and worthless to worry about it, but I cant get it out of my head lately.

I have never been able to see myself with grown children and grandkids,
I have never been able to imagine myself old and grey,
Or retired with Kyle,
And that scared me, is that Gods way of preparing me or is that just me not wanting to get old?

Even though I am sad, I actually have alot of good things and I am happy most of the time!
The best thing is, I have lots of thick eyelashes growing, my bottom eyelashes are looking great, I am starting to get some eyebrows back, and my head hair is getting thicker and longer! My head hair is pretty light, like almost grey, I will be pretty pissed if it all comes in grey, but I have hair so I am not going to complain if it keeps growing fast like it is! 

I have made myself some all natural salve for when I start radiation, I hope it will help keep my skin healthy.
I also hope I find some peace, if not it might be time for some anti anxiety pills so I can start to sleep again.

radiation

Today I went in to get ready for radiation.
The first step was to deflate my temporary boobs.
I went into the office a big C and came out a very small, very deformed A. 
It was a bummer.
Jackie, the PA who deflated me said she wanted to cry for me, but it wont be long and they will look good again.
I have been thinking of some positives, the biggest one is I will be able to sleep on my stomach for the next 3 months!!! And the expander are so uncomfortable, so a little break from them will be fine.
Those are the only two I can think of, and i've thought hard......!

I got my radiation "tattoos" today, they are just 3 little freckle like blue dots, one in the middle of my chest and then one on each side of my body. They are there so that they can line you up in the exact spot every time.
I told kyle I was just going to get 3 little flower tattoos where the dots were! 
The nurse told me that I shouldn't shave or wear deodorant while having radiation, poor kyle!!
I dont know when I start yet, hopefully next Monday, but doctor time is very slow. I should know in a few day though and then we can make a better plan!

I have to keep telling myself radiation is just more insurance that I will have many more healthy years in front of me.

I am in the "grey" area of radiation and the decision was ultimately up to me to do it or not.
The doctor did let me know of some concerns and why he would push for me to have it done.

My young age is one of the biggest concerns. 

When having my mastectomy she got a very thin margin, meaning I could have some microscopic cancers cells left and that could turn into cancer in my chest wall. 

I also have a type of cancer that has a high re-occurrence rate.   

And he explained the survival rate with and without radiation and the re-occurrence rate drops with radiation.

I, in good conscious, couldn't say no, mostly for the girls.
Who would teach them how to make real lasagna and that Italian sausage should only be served with onions peppers and stewed tomatoes!

I had a week of sleepless nights in Marysvale to think about it, and I have been thinking that I haven't been at peace like I thought I would be after chemo.
I've felt like it just isn't over.
Maybe that was preparing me for radiation.
Maybe after my 4 weeks of radiation, I will feel more at peace. 

I am mostly bummed that radiation kinda ruins the girls summer, when mom has to go to Vegas everyday we don't get to do our normal everyday fun summer stuff, but hopefully when they are older they can look back and understand.

I drove myself in today, it was nice to just be alone in the car listening to my music way to loud.
Awhile ago a friend told me about the song "fight like a girl" by Bombshel, I downloaded it and only listen to it when I know I wont cry.
Today it came on and I cried, it was a very long day today.
But I thought this describes my feeling perfectly.

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl

I am still fighting, but I feel like I am almost to the end, the hard chemo part is over.
I am feeling better and better and even can say I really do feel good most days!
I also have lots of eyelashes growing, a few eyebrows, and my head hair is getting alittle longer, but not as fast as I hoped it would come in!
Hairless and boobless for only a little bit longer, and then we can start to put this year behind us.

F cancer

Since I have chemo brain, like cant keep a train of thought for the life of me, I am just going to write some thoughts down that I have had the last little while.

*Its been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment, I am feeling pretty good, more and more "normal" everyday!

*I have made dinner every night, kept my house clean, my laundry is all caught up, I paid bills, called doctors, made a cake for a friends, and even had friends over, we have been clean all week, and I havent abused anyone. I have felt so accomplished and like I have done so much. Kyle even comes home and sees everything I have done.
I never knew how much I did till I didnt feel good enough to keep it all up.

*While I was typing the above thought, something else popped into my head I wanted to write about, but shit if I can remember it now, damn chemo brain!

*I for sure have bad days, but I have still been able to at least see a few good things in each day. I get down and scared somedays, and those seem to be the days I write on my blog. It feels good to write all my feelings down and then move on. I really would suggest to anyone who is going through any kind of struggle to write down your feelings in a blog, journal, or even just a paper then throw it away. For me it has been nice to look back on those first few weeks and know how far I have come and how much I have changed through out this process.
I really do stress less, or at least deal with stress alot better, I am more patient, and I really do know what is important in my life, Kyle and the girls are at the top of the list! 

*We were hoping that my tumor marker number had gone down, but they were still high. So I wont have a scan for awhile still. Dr. Wu wants to do another blood test in hopes that my body will recover a little more and my tumor marker number will go back down to normal. It would have been nice to have that number go down just for peace of mind, but they still aren't to high so even if it happens to be the cancer somewhere else, it would be early.

*I am planning on having to have radiation, that way I wont be devastated when it happens and if by the grace of God I dont have to have radiation, then I am throwing myself a party! Like a way huge "thank God this is over" kind of party!

*Hot flashes, holy hanna the hot flashes. I wake up 3 or more times at night drenched in sweat. You always hear about menopause and hot flashes, but till you start having them you dont get it!

* Since I have been taking the tamoxifen at night it has been better, but I can still feel the tiredness. I guess I can use that as an excuse for anything I want to get out of for the next 10 years! 

*I dont mind the wig, but really I feel so fake when I put it on. Theres no way I would wear it to anything where people who know me will see me.

*I know that my hair wont be long enough to go scarfless tll around Christmas and I am ok with it, kinda. I guess that way I can play the cancer card for longer! haha!

*Although I feel very sad alot, I also have alot of happy moments. Every night before I go to sleep, I think of at least 2 happy things that happened in my day, whether it be a look that Kyle gave me or a funny thing the girls did, or even if I drew my eyebrows on even!

*Anyone that says "its just hair" should see this picture!!
Before I put eyebrows on and a wig, i look like an alien or at least a cancer patient!
After I get my eyebrows on and a scarf or wig on, I think I look pretty normal! 
 

  

*Tomorrow I see the oncology radiologist, and I am nervous, but I have a plan for when  if I have to get radiation, and just like everything else, that to shall pass.

*Last but not least, today out of the blue I told Kyle, "cancer has really ****ed up my life." We both laughed and laughed! I dont say that word ever, but I really felt it today. It will be one of the good moments I think about when I am laying in bed tonight! 

I am a dark rain cloud......

Yesterday I started taking tamoxifen, I will have to take that everyday for the next 5 to 10 years.
Anyone that know me, knows I hate taking pills.
This pill will probably put me into early menopause. So if you have the urge to ask when or if I will be having more kids, or tell me that I need a boy, or pretty much anything to do with me becoming pregnant, please refrain, I will smile politely but secretly be imagining myself clawing your eyes out then come home and cry to Kyle.
I have wanted a baby since I had the twins, and now it is just certain that that time in my life is over, and it makes me sad. Even though I knew I really would never have another baby, when it is taken away from you, it sucks.

I should be asleep, but on top of starting tamoxifen today I am taking a zpac cause my white count is high so I dont feel all that great. I am dizzy and tired and sick feeling, and getting depressed, or maybe just coming out of denial.
Sometimes I still cant believe that this has all happened, I feel like since December 4th I have just been going through the motions, just trying to make it till tomorrow.

I ordered 2 wigs today, I can send them back and get a full refund if I happen to snap out of this depression I am in. We go to Vegas for a fun night out at the end of this month and I just want to look normal and not be sick anymore. I wont be wearing them around town, everyone here knows I am bald so why pretend, but it would be nice to go out and try and forget that i am sickly.
I thought with chemo over I would feel great and be healthy and normal, but with no eyebrows, eyelashes, or hair and feeling like shit, it is pretty hard to look or feel normal.

I get so mad and sad that everyone's life is moving forward and I am just stuck here, waiting to be healthy, waiting to see what the radiologist oncologist says, waiting for soft implants, waiting for a PET scan, waiting for normal, just waiting.
I want to be a girl and just talk about my sad cancer life, but for some reason no one wants to hear about it, or at least that is how I feel.
Poor Kyle has to hear about all my sad thoughts and I think it gets overwhelming.
I am a rain cloud some days and he tries to be my sunshine, but some days I just want to thunder and lighting and I don't want to see the rainbow after, I want to be mad and sad and cry.

I am so glad that summer is here. I enjoy being with my girls so much, even if it is just watching movies and swimming in the back yard. They keep me going and remind me to be happy, or at least put a happy face on.
Oh normal life, where are you?

** This weeks 10 pictures isn't going to happen, I didn't even get my camera out..... 

I was in a (bad) mood last week,
I just couldn't stop thinking that as soon as I start thinking stuff is good,
Something happen.

The last time Kyle and I talked about how this hasnt been as horrible as we thought it would be, and we were just so excited to be almost done, Dr. Wu told us my tumor markers were high and I also got a kidney infection and couldn't get chemo.
I am so worried that once I get to that place that I think all is well, Dr. Wu is going to ruin my day, week, year, and tell me that "it" is back.
Every pain I have, my mind goes to is "it" there now?  Am I going to be in that small percent to have it come back somewhere else, worst?

I have been wondering why or what made me have cancer.
Mostly I want to know so I can change it.
I am going to eat better, cut out soda, make a better effort to make my kids eat more vegetables, even try harder to workout, and last but not least be positive.

I am feeling better everyday, I cant wait to one day feel good, like really and truly good.
I didnt sleep at all well last night, my legs were freaking out.
So today I looked like I felt, eyebrowless!
Or sick, however you want to say it! 

I went to lunch with a friend today,
(She tried to tell me she couldn't tell I have to draw my eyebrows on, bless her heart for trying to make me feel better),
and out of the blue a woman from around town came and told me I was an inspiration and she loved to read my blog. 
It kinda took me back. I forget people read my blog and know my weird crazy thoughts and that I have fake boobs! Just when I really need a pick me up it seems like that happens, someone reminds me that I have so many people going threw this with me and in my corner. 
I feel like I am a whiner and mostly just say how I want my hair back.
But I do hope that maybe I have made it so at least one person out there is thankful for the little things,(like eyebrows) and doing their self exams, every month!!

I think that once I get my first scan and it comes back clear, I will feel better and start to have more good days. Till then I am going to stay off google and try to keep "it" in the back of my mind.

chemo is over.... but cancer is not.

Chemo is over.
I thought maybe I would feel different, like a weight lifted, or relief, but I don't.
When people say "congratulation" or something of the kind, I don't get it.
Are you congratulating me cause I am not dead? Cause I got my body poisoned 8 times? Cause hopefully all the cancer is gone?
I may be done with chemo, but I am not done with cancer.
I understand that chemo sucks ass and people want to recognize that I have made it threw that part, but I just don't think they get the extent of it.

I still have bone pain for the next few days, I have horrible neuropathy, I have no hair, I am tired, worried, stressed, and not even close to being healed from this process.

I wear my pink, put my makeup on, smile, and hide how depressed and sick I am, cause I am just like that. Some of you wannies should take a lesson, buck up little one, grown up life sucks!

At first I thought I was the only cancer person who felt like this, but it turns out that I am pretty normal when it comes to these feelings. A friend put this on facebook and I feel like I have said the same things, I think we all feel about the same way.

I am not mad at the world, or mad that I have had cancer, I am just living a life with cancer and trying to do the best I can.
Some days I am more positive than others, and most days I hide in my house for fear if someone says something to me I will bite their head off, or worst yet cry in front of them.

 I forget how chemo makes me feel, you would think that by number 8 I would remember that I feel like crap and get very sad, but I haven't learned yet and every time I am surprised at how bad, gross, sad, yucky, crappy I feel. Thank goodness by Monday I will start to feel better and hopefully just get better and better.

I was hoping to have a little bit of a break from doctors, but I go back in 2 weeks for some blood work and then 2 weeks after that I go back for a scan. Maybe after the scan comes back clean, I will be able to feel a little relief.
But for now I am going to dream about my hair coming back, my eyebrows and eyelashes growing back, my body not hurting, and a little peace of mind for a few minutes a day.