I am a dark rain cloud......

Yesterday I started taking tamoxifen, I will have to take that everyday for the next 5 to 10 years.
Anyone that know me, knows I hate taking pills.
This pill will probably put me into early menopause. So if you have the urge to ask when or if I will be having more kids, or tell me that I need a boy, or pretty much anything to do with me becoming pregnant, please refrain, I will smile politely but secretly be imagining myself clawing your eyes out then come home and cry to Kyle.
I have wanted a baby since I had the twins, and now it is just certain that that time in my life is over, and it makes me sad. Even though I knew I really would never have another baby, when it is taken away from you, it sucks.

I should be asleep, but on top of starting tamoxifen today I am taking a zpac cause my white count is high so I dont feel all that great. I am dizzy and tired and sick feeling, and getting depressed, or maybe just coming out of denial.
Sometimes I still cant believe that this has all happened, I feel like since December 4th I have just been going through the motions, just trying to make it till tomorrow.

I ordered 2 wigs today, I can send them back and get a full refund if I happen to snap out of this depression I am in. We go to Vegas for a fun night out at the end of this month and I just want to look normal and not be sick anymore. I wont be wearing them around town, everyone here knows I am bald so why pretend, but it would be nice to go out and try and forget that i am sickly.
I thought with chemo over I would feel great and be healthy and normal, but with no eyebrows, eyelashes, or hair and feeling like shit, it is pretty hard to look or feel normal.

I get so mad and sad that everyone's life is moving forward and I am just stuck here, waiting to be healthy, waiting to see what the radiologist oncologist says, waiting for soft implants, waiting for a PET scan, waiting for normal, just waiting.
I want to be a girl and just talk about my sad cancer life, but for some reason no one wants to hear about it, or at least that is how I feel.
Poor Kyle has to hear about all my sad thoughts and I think it gets overwhelming.
I am a rain cloud some days and he tries to be my sunshine, but some days I just want to thunder and lighting and I don't want to see the rainbow after, I want to be mad and sad and cry.

I am so glad that summer is here. I enjoy being with my girls so much, even if it is just watching movies and swimming in the back yard. They keep me going and remind me to be happy, or at least put a happy face on.
Oh normal life, where are you?

** This weeks 10 pictures isn't going to happen, I didn't even get my camera out.....