*Its been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment, I am feeling pretty good, more and more "normal" everyday!
*I have made dinner every night, kept my house clean, my laundry is all caught up, I paid bills, called doctors, made a cake for a friends, and even had friends over, we have been clean all week, and I havent abused anyone. I have felt so accomplished and like I have done so much. Kyle even comes home and sees everything I have done.
I never knew how much I did till I didnt feel good enough to keep it all up.
*While I was typing the above thought, something else popped into my head I wanted to write about, but shit if I can remember it now, damn chemo brain!
*I for sure have bad days, but I have still been able to at least see a few good things in each day. I get down and scared somedays, and those seem to be the days I write on my blog. It feels good to write all my feelings down and then move on. I really would suggest to anyone who is going through any kind of struggle to write down your feelings in a blog, journal, or even just a paper then throw it away. For me it has been nice to look back on those first few weeks and know how far I have come and how much I have changed through out this process.
I really do stress less, or at least deal with stress alot better, I am more patient, and I really do know what is important in my life, Kyle and the girls are at the top of the list!
*We were hoping that my tumor marker number had gone down, but they were still high. So I wont have a scan for awhile still. Dr. Wu wants to do another blood test in hopes that my body will recover a little more and my tumor marker number will go back down to normal. It would have been nice to have that number go down just for peace of mind, but they still aren't to high so even if it happens to be the cancer somewhere else, it would be early.
*I am planning on having to have radiation, that way I wont be devastated when it happens and if by the grace of God I dont have to have radiation, then I am throwing myself a party! Like a way huge "thank God this is over" kind of party!
*Hot flashes, holy hanna the hot flashes. I wake up 3 or more times at night drenched in sweat. You always hear about menopause and hot flashes, but till you start having them you dont get it!
* Since I have been taking the tamoxifen at night it has been better, but I can still feel the tiredness. I guess I can use that as an excuse for anything I want to get out of for the next 10 years!
*I dont mind the wig, but really I feel so fake when I put it on. Theres no way I would wear it to anything where people who know me will see me.
*I know that my hair wont be long enough to go scarfless tll around Christmas and I am ok with it, kinda. I guess that way I can play the cancer card for longer! haha!
*Although I feel very sad alot, I also have alot of happy moments. Every night before I go to sleep, I think of at least 2 happy things that happened in my day, whether it be a look that Kyle gave me or a funny thing the girls did, or even if I drew my eyebrows on even!
*Anyone that says "its just hair" should see this picture!!
Before I put eyebrows on and a wig, i look like an alien or at least a cancer patient!
After I get my eyebrows on and a scarf or wig on, I think I look pretty normal!
*Tomorrow I see the oncology radiologist, and I am nervous, but I have a plan for when if I have to get radiation, and just like everything else, that to shall pass.
*Last but not least, today out of the blue I told Kyle, "cancer has really ****ed up my life." We both laughed and laughed! I dont say that word ever, but I really felt it today. It will be one of the good moments I think about when I am laying in bed tonight!
No comments:
Post a Comment