chemo is over.... but cancer is not.

Chemo is over.
I thought maybe I would feel different, like a weight lifted, or relief, but I don't.
When people say "congratulation" or something of the kind, I don't get it.
Are you congratulating me cause I am not dead? Cause I got my body poisoned 8 times? Cause hopefully all the cancer is gone?
I may be done with chemo, but I am not done with cancer.
I understand that chemo sucks ass and people want to recognize that I have made it threw that part, but I just don't think they get the extent of it.

I still have bone pain for the next few days, I have horrible neuropathy, I have no hair, I am tired, worried, stressed, and not even close to being healed from this process.

I wear my pink, put my makeup on, smile, and hide how depressed and sick I am, cause I am just like that. Some of you wannies should take a lesson, buck up little one, grown up life sucks!

At first I thought I was the only cancer person who felt like this, but it turns out that I am pretty normal when it comes to these feelings. A friend put this on facebook and I feel like I have said the same things, I think we all feel about the same way.

I am not mad at the world, or mad that I have had cancer, I am just living a life with cancer and trying to do the best I can.
Some days I am more positive than others, and most days I hide in my house for fear if someone says something to me I will bite their head off, or worst yet cry in front of them.

 I forget how chemo makes me feel, you would think that by number 8 I would remember that I feel like crap and get very sad, but I haven't learned yet and every time I am surprised at how bad, gross, sad, yucky, crappy I feel. Thank goodness by Monday I will start to feel better and hopefully just get better and better.

I was hoping to have a little bit of a break from doctors, but I go back in 2 weeks for some blood work and then 2 weeks after that I go back for a scan. Maybe after the scan comes back clean, I will be able to feel a little relief.
But for now I am going to dream about my hair coming back, my eyebrows and eyelashes growing back, my body not hurting, and a little peace of mind for a few minutes a day.

Weekly Wednesday 10

I am a few days late and 2 pictures short, but here is my weekly Wednesday 10!

I need a few more of these pickling cucumbers to grow so I can make a few jars up!

We played outside all weekend again! The weather has still been nice and not to hot so we are enjoying while we can!

The biggest and best thing that has happened this last week was the last round of chemo for me!
I made the girls get in pink and Kyle even surprised me and woke up and put his pink on with no complaints!

sad cancer post!

I read a book, The fault in our stars.
My sister told me about it and it sounded sad. I heard a few more things about it and watched the movie trailer. Then a cancer friend told me she read it and loved it.
I gave in and read it!
It took me less than 2 days to read, it was a good easy read!

If you haven't heard about it, it is about cancer kids, ya I know that sounds sad, but the way they all viewed the world, life, and death was wonderful.
In the last few months I have had alot of the same thoughts and wonders, as the character. Maybe thats why I enjoyed it, I could really relate to them.

I have a few favorite quotes from the book...
* You die in the middle of your life, in the middle of a sentence.
You really do die in the middle of your life, or at least you should. I feel like even if you are given the horrible news that you have cancer, the killer, you shouldn't stop living your life, doing the things you love and loving the people around you. No one wants to die, we all just want to keep living, want one more day, want to finish the sentence.
* "as if the only thing I'd ever done was have cancer."
I really can relate to this sentence. What was my life before cancer? Will anyone remember me for anything other than that young mom that had cancer? Why does everyone want to be "friends" with the cancer patient?
* What a slut time is, she screws everybody.
There is never enough time, especially when death is on your mind.
* Grief does not change you, Hazel, it reveals you.
I like to believe this is true. It says alot about a person on how they act in the hard times. How your relationship handle the hard time. I feel like this "life experience" has made me more thankful for the little things, love the people around me more, and believe it or not, more positive.
 
If you get the chance read the book, it is a great read and really makes you think about life, death, and the way you live your life.

I am almost done with chemo, on Tuesday it will be my last infusion, hopefully forever and ever.
Everyone keeps saying "your done after this", and I kinda want to scream.
I am not "done" after Tuesday, just done with chemo.
I am not going to be "done" for a long time.
The thought of it coming back somewhere else is on my mind now more than ever, and I know the 2nd time around with cancer is not quite as forgiving as the first. It scares the shit out of me.
I am at that point where I am afraid that the next person to ask me how I am feeling, is really going  to hear just how I am feeling.
They aren't going to hear my normal response, "good, almost there".
They are going to hear the truth, I feel like I have had 7 rounds of chemo. Like I have no hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes. Like I am ugly and try to avoiding seeing my reflection in the mirror. Like I have these hard, uncomfortable, painful, kickball like bumps where my boobs use to be. Like I have had the life sucked out of me trying to kill the thing that was killing me.
In short, I feel alot like shit.

I really am so excited and happy to be done with chemo, it has been very hard on my mind, body, soul, and family. The no eyebrows and eyelashes thing is really taking its tole on me. I know it is just hair, but shave your eyebrows off and then tell me it is just hair.
After I get some hair back, and don't have neuropathy so horrible, I can start to feel like life can start to go back to "normal", whatever that is.

Graces first piano recital!

Grace had her very first piano recital last night!
She played Pop Goes The Weasel! 
She was pretty nervous, but didnt mess up once!
We were all so proud of her!!

Wednesday Weekly 10

Since the end of chemo is coming up, I have been trying to think about stuff I did before hours of binge watching netflix in my chair became my life!

Side note: I started watching Dexter and holy shit balls, I have nightmares about it but cant stop watching, the trinity killer.........! 

Taking pictures and blogging was the first thing I thought about that I enjoyed doing.
I came across a blog that did her weekend 10, 10 pictures of her weekend! I loved the idea! I am giving myself a whole week to do my 10 pictures.

If you following my Instagram you know I love my chickens!
I spend alot of my time watching them peck the ground. They are actually alot of fun to watch and are quite loving!

This is Roo the Rooster! If he is to loud or becomes mean, he might become chicken dinner, but for now he is one of the most loving ones! 

These are my silver laced wyandottes, Salt and Pepper!
They are going to be beauties when they are grown up!

Kyle worked so hard on making my chicken coop, it turned out beautiful!

We set up the swimming pool, the girls played in it for a few hours, but its still to cold for our desert blood!

Pictures before Graces recital!

So there is my weekly 10!

Big Girl Beds.

The twins got new beds for their birthday, it was probably time to move them out of the toddler beds!
We had the truck in Vegas already to pick up stuff for the chicken coop, so we decided to stop by Costco and get the mattresses, (they were the cheapest there and pretty nice for the price!)! The girls were so excited!

Now they are all set up and they love that they are sleeping in big girl beds!!

number 7

I have not been sleeping well so I think alot, sometime it is good things, sometimes it is scary.

Something that has been on my mind is the fact that I wear a scarf  for other people.
I never wear a hat or scarf when I am home, I dont like them, they make me hot, I dont like how I look in them. I shaved the few hairs I had left off today. I think it looks alot better and not so sickly looking now.
Alaynna loves to touch my bald head, (When I was little, I remember rubbing my dads head when he would buzz it).  
Addison asked why I would shave my head again, didn't I want my hair to come back? Yes sister, so bad! 

There for about the first 4 month of chemo, (ya the whole 4 months!) Grace asks me the same questions every night before bed. "Why did this bad thing grow inside of you?" "Is it ever going to come back" "What does cancer look like?" I tell her to grow up, go to college, and be the scientist who figures all that out for me! 
The hardest thing Grace has said to me was after watching on the news about a mom passing away from cancer, she came into me in the kitchen and said, "Mom, am I going to lose you, are you going to die because of cancer?" 
I grabbed her, hugged her hard, and said,"no".

We decided that the best way to explain cancer to the girls is that something bad was growing in mom and they had to take it out, the medicine makes it so that all if it is gone. School and other people have made it alittle more scary for Grace cause shes older and knows more. I wish I could shelter them all and so they dont know of all the bad scary things in the world, but thats not how life works.

Alaynna asked if I had something growing inside of me from swallowing a seed. They all wonder and ask questions alot. I hope we explain it as best we can.

As the time comes closer to the end of chemo, I regret not using the cancer card more, telling off a few people who need to be put in there place, then saying "sorry I have cancer!" But honestly I can not wait to be done and get on with my life!

Today is number 7, I don't know if I could do more. 8 is plenty.

feeling good

I am feeling good this week, I just keep telling myself I am almost to the end of chemo, almost there....

I am getting some taste buds back, I will most defiantly gain the 10 lbs. I've lost back in no time at all, and I don't even care, I am actually excited!
Ive made dinner every night this week, I cleaned up the house, I paid bills, I almost feel great, not normal but not like death!
I do have neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and hands, its very annoying at night, but since I don't feel like death, I'm not complaining!

I day dream about my hair coming back, my eyebrows not needing to be filled in, my eyelashes coming back, not kick balls for boobs, oh to be "normal"!
Friends I see, when I make it out, always make sure and tell me I look good. I always say thanks, but think "man alive, if you seen me without my face of makeup on, you'd think I looked like a sick cancer patient!"

Tonight at dinner Kyle told Alaynna if she didn't eat her chicken, that when she grew up she'd go bald like Mom!
She ate her whole piece of chicken tonight!
So if anyone out there needs their kids to eat their veggys at dinner, give me a call, you can scare them!

I only have to see Dr. Anne for one more expansion, I have 2 more chemo, and 2 more shots. That is all that's left!
I know I wont be done-done, but I am close!
So close.

May Day

The May Day dance has came and went! Grace was SO excited this year for it, the last 3 years she was very nervous.
The 2nd grade does the Mexican hat dance. She practiced for weeks! She looked beautiful and loved that she got to wear my skirt and necklace!

** I dont really like the May Day dances, I dont know why but its almost torture to sit through it for me and Kyle, this year was worst cause all I seen everywhere was germs!! Don't get me wrong I love to watch Grace, but I'd rather just watch her do a dance in the back yard!

Easter

This Easter we took it pretty easy!
The girls got to go spend a few days with Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt while I went to the doctor, over spring break.
I missed them, alot.
I've decided I am the kind of mom that likes a break every other Friday night to go on a date, but I don't like it when the girls are gone for more than a few hours now and then. That probably why I say no to play dates, I enjoy the girls even if it is just listening to them play in the next room.

They came back late Saturday, so we dyed eggs and played outside!

Easter morning they woke up at the crack of dawn, found some eggs inside and ran  around like crazy women!
After we got ready for the day, they went outside and found eggs all over the back yard! They love that the Easter bunny leaves eggs outside every year, (one of the perks of living where there is never winter!)!
Mom, Steve, and Terrie came over for lunch and to hang out!

I started to get sick on Easter so I didn't have to much energy and just sat around all day!

Heres some pictures from the weekend!