blahhh....

You'd think that after treatment you would feel so much better, emotionally, but man I don't.

I read once that after treatment is over you feel worthless cause all the jobs you use to do have been taken over by other people. I didn't think that would be me cause I thought I did alot of what I always do.
But now I see that Kyle is the one that has taken over all my jobs. He cooks, cleans, takes such great care of the girls.
It scares me, cause he and the girls would be fine without me, they just all take care of themselves. I mean they would live in a dirty home and eat alot of frozen pizza, but they would be fine.
I wish that thought brought me more comfort than it does.
It should, that means that my girls are going to grow up looking for an amazing man like their dad and they will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves and a home.
But at the same time, what about me?

I spend more days in the shower crying then I did through all of chemo.
I am starting to see that chemo numbs you, its such a struggle to get through everyday that you have no time to feel any real emotion other than tiredness.
I just don't know how to get back to normal. I am not the same person I was before December 4th. I want that person back.

I have learned to have a thicker skin, cause wowzer people say some dumb things, I am going to tell you a few things to NEVER say to a cancer patient that I have heard in the last few months...

• "Well I just hope they got it all." Ya me to dumb ass, in fact I have panic attacks thinking about it, but thanks for bringing that up. 
• "You look great...... for all that you have been through." Just tell me I look good, no need to add that last part, I know I look like a cancer patient. 
• "I know just what you have been through cause I had (fill in the blank with something that is NOTHING like cancer) that I have been going through." ummmmmmmmm...... No, that is not the same, not even close to the same thing. 
• "Well at least you got some nice boobs out of it." Ya you should see them, all scared up where they have been cut and had all of my breast tissue scraped from my body. But ya a year of pure hell was totally worth nice boobs. 
• "My grandpa, grandma, aunt twice removed, had cancer and died." well that is nice, I can tell how sensitive that made you toward other people.....
• "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan for you." Oh ya does his plan include punching you in the face, cause that's about to happen.
• Then the strangers who just stare or give you weird looks, honestly a smile goes a long ways, wave and smile, don't stare.

Then there are most people who have been wonderful and just ask how I am and that I look great bald.
And really most people are not dumb, and other people who are my friends have said things they thought I would take wrong and immediately apologized. I know its a hard thing to know what to say, but the above statement should NEVER be said!

Not every emotion I have is bad, I have learned to love my body that has been failing me the last little while.
I have always been a girl with pretty hair,
and well,
I am bald now. I am sorry but NO ONE looks good with no eyelashes or eyebrows. I have had to look at myself with disfigured boobs, then nicer boobs, and now weird looking skin where my boobs use to be a month ago.
I have learned that through it all I am still me, I have had to look for different things that I find pretty about myself, and I have come to accept my body and all of the curves and extra squish that I have. Plus like a good friends says, "my bald head makes my eyes pop!"

I am almost half way through radiation, I am tired, but it will be fine. School starts soon and then we can get into a routine and maybe find a new normal for us that doesn't involve me going to the the doctor or not feeling good.