some thoughts

We have not stopped going for the last little while, between the wedding, a reunion, school, canning, the reception, the flood,(mostly just cause Kyle was out all night fixing the power problems, so I was up waiting for him.) I feel like I have not stopped.
Also I deleted Facebook off my phone and I hardly ever get on my computer, I felt like it was taking over my life and I watched enough tv and sat on the computer for the first 6 months of this year that I just thought I needed to slow down with the screen time! 

All this going is finally catching up with me, I cant seem to get any energy and am just so tired, but I keep saying "aren't all grown ups too tired?!" It is very frustrating to want to do things but just not have your body cooperate. I thought my energy levels would come up a lot more than they have, it could be the tamoxifen or it could be that I only have been done with chemo for 3 and a half months. 

The girls are loving school! It is nice cause we wake up and I get them off to school and then have a few hours to try and get something done. Most of the days I have been canning peaches and jelly, its a new hobby of mine! 

I was suppose to go to the doctor this week, but since the flood took out the freeway and all the crazy people are going the back way I decided to reschedule for next week. I will be happy to have my blood done and see what my numbers look like. If I could, I would go in for blood or a scan or something every other week just so I know that nothing is coming back.

Radiation has been over for almost 3 weeks.
My skin is still pretty burnt, but it is looking and feeling better.
My hair is coming in great, I went and got a "haircut" on Monday, mostly she just shaved my neck and cleaned it up a little. She also buzzed my face for me, I have little fuzz hair growing everywhere!

I have been out and about more and see more people, I love that they all say they like my short hair, but really you cant tell a cancer patient that they look like shit with short hair, it just isn't allowed!
I dont know why but when strangers say "how brave" I am for having my hair cut so short, it takes all I have to not say, "listen here, I am not brave, this was not a choice, cancer took it away from me", but I dont I just smile and say thanks cause they are complementing me!

I have been asked a lot about what my prognosis is. I really don't know what to say when they ask, cause only time will tell.
Everything looks great for now, but honestly you or I could walk out and get ran over by a bus, or my cancer could come back, or you could get cancer,
so my prognosis is life, i guess.

There are those people who get breast cancer, (or any cancer) who go pink crazy. I am not one of those.
Will I rock my cancer shirts and pink in October, yes for sure. But I have looked into all those "pink" things that you buy and hardly, if any, money actually goes to breast cancer fighters or research.
So I have decided every year I will just do something to raise a little money for someone going through cancer.

I have also found that I dont really like to be called a survivor.
What have I "survived"?
Have I really "survived"?
Aren't we all just surviving life?
Instead of a survivor I like the word fighter. Cause lets be honest I am still fighting, we all are.

Cancer is only a small part of me, in fact it was only less than 4 cm of me, yet it has seemed to take over my life.
But I am slowly pushing it out and letting all the good, happy, normal stuff come back!