I am a pretty private person.
I have been back and forth on putting this on my blog. I started writing my thoughts down the day after I found out, and it felt kind nice to just write it down and get it out.
Also with all that will be going on it will be nice to be able to keep everyone updated.
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In January 2010 I found my breast
lump.
I remember when I found it, I was lying on the couch and
my boob hurt, I then felt something there that I had never felt before.
I went into Kyle on the computer and made him feel it.
I Googled a few things and didn’t go to the doctor right
away, cause I was young, no family history, and it wasn’t even the right
shape.
After going to Dr. Chalmers he sent me in for an ultra
sound.
The ultra sound went fine, I was just supposed to follow
up in 6 months.
So 6 months later, after another ultrasound, I seen 2 different surgeons, 1 I didn’t
like, the other, Dr. Wintch said he wasn’t comfortable taking it out.
So I just did another ultrasound 6 months later so on and so forth.
After 2 years had passed, they decided that it would be best to biopsy it.
The biopsy sucked, it hurt, it was scary, it was
something I never wanted to do again.
The
biopsy came back as chronic mastitis. There was no
information on it and my doctors said not to worry. I never have felt
comfortable with my "lump" and I wanted it out, that dirty "C" word was always in the back of my mind. So I went and seen yet
another surgeon who didn’t feel
comfortable taking it out.
By this time I was over it. It wasn’t anything, the
biopsy said, I kept up on my ultra sounds and it has always been in the back of my mind.
Fast forward to 6 months ago…….
My lump had grown, I could feel it, and it hurt. I met my deductible so I found a new surgeon.
She wanted an up to date ultrasound.
I didn’t have time for it in September, so I put it off.
Then decided since I had met my deductible, I needed to get it done.
This time it was different. The tech and radiologist
scared me, my lump had changed, and changes aren’t good.
I came home to make an appointment with Dr. O’Neill for 1
week later. She said she wanted to take it out but would need to biopsy it
again. I was nervous, I knew what to expect this time.
She did a different kind, but it hurt just as much.
I was nervous, in the back of my mind was the dirty “C”
word, but I am young, healthy, and have no family history.
Dr. Chamberlain called shortly after my biopsy and said
he had thought about it and after seeing my scans he thought I should get the
lump out. Doctors don’t usually call you out of the blue, so it made me
nervous.
Kyle decided to go with me to this appointment, mostly so
we could schedule to get the lump out.
I always wait, she’s a busy doctor, but yesterday we
waiting for an hour in the waiting room.
I woke up with a migraine, stress.
They finally called us back, then we waited for about
another hour in the room.
Right before she came in I looked at Kyle and said, “I am
young, healthy, and have no family history.”
I was thinking about the lady that was in the waiting
room before me, she looked about 30, she wore a hat to cover her bald head. You
just know she had cancer,
but she was young.
You know when you see in shows when the doctor tells
someone they have cancer and the person just sits there and doesn’t hear
anything after they tell them that life changing news?
Dr. O’Neill came in, the first thing she said was, “Well,
it’s not good. It came back as cancer”
My mind went through every situation in 3 seconds, the
first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Am I going to die?”
Then I cried
and
cried.
I don’t remember anything but thinking about my young
girls, my life, my everything.
She said stuff, I don’t remember what. I just kept
thinking, No, she got my tests mixed up with someone else. I am young, healthy,
no family history, I have had this biopsied, it came back as nothing, this can’t
be real.
She did say that I have the best kind of cancer that you
can have, it is not aggressive. I am pretty certain “the best kind of caner you
can have” in an oxymoron.
I had to tell my mom and dad, honestly it wasn’t real
till I had say out loud, I have cancer.
It hurts saying the words, “I have breast cancer”. It
hurt hearing the silence of your mom and dad after telling them, cause they
feel like you just hit them with a ton of bricks. And they have nothing to say,
cause what do you say, I am sorry? Why? How? Or just I love you.
The day after finding out…….
I am still mad, and sad. I have cried the majority of the
day and been trying to schedule a few test I need to have.
I called the doctor’s office crying hysterically and
asked if they 100% knew that it was my test results, I wanted to know if there
was any way that they could have mixed my results up.
They were obviously sure, Dr. Anne called and talked with
me a little more, it made me feel a little better.
2 days later…..
I don’t know if it is because I haven’t slept but I
really don’t have any feelings today, I am not sad, mad, happy, I am just here.
I did have a bad break down after I called my insurance
company and remembered that we switched insurances at the beginning of the
year. I couldn’t find Dr. Anne on the new one, I went into full on melt down
mode, but luckily her office must get a lot of frantic callers cause the
receptionist that I disliked before this calmed me down and let me know she
would still be on there.
I also noticed that people like to “one up” you. Just
because you once had a scare doesn’t mean a lot to me now that my “scare” has
turned into a life altering situation.
Keep in mind when you say “well this will make you feel
better ……..” It won’t, just shut up and don’t say whatever you were going to.
People also tell you stories about how their mom, friend,
aunt, whoever had cancer and she turned out fine, or didn’t. Let me tell you
that neither makes me feel better, honestly they make me want to punch you.
I guess maybe I actually am having feelings today, mad
ones.
3 days later….
I only had one break down today.
I never thought it would happen to me, so I never knew
when you had reconstructive surgery they take your nipples. It is such a stupid
thing to get upset about, but a double mastectomy is a real thing that will be
happening. Nipples make your breast look normal, how are you ever supposed to
feel comfortable when you don’t look “normal”?
I also read that just under 7% of all breast cancer cases
occur in women under 40 years old. I guess I should just realize I am usually
in that “unlikely” percent of everything.
I think I am too tired, to overwhelmed, to everything, to
be anything but a zombie.
I missed Grace's piano class because I didn’t even realize
it was Thursday, Ren, the elf, doesn’t move and hasn’t done anything fun, and
Christmas shopping/planning has just came to a halt.
I did bring myself to get dressed and put makeup on to go
to Linn’s so that we can eat more than frozen pizza and eggs.
I still don’t want to have to deal with everyone and
their pity, I can’t handle it. I don’t know enough about what is going on, and
I don’t want to have to console anyone when I am a mess. A lot of people have a
way of turning everything to be all about them, and for once in my life it is
about me and I want it to be about me. I don’t want to hear how upset you are
or how scared you are or that you need to talk, cause guess what, it is my
boobs that are going to be chopped off, my head that will be bald, my kids that
will have to watch me go through that, my husband who will be going through it
with me, it is ME, not you.
As you can tell, madness is the feeling that I am having
most still.
4 days later…..
This has been the longest 4 days of my life. I can’t wait
to have the PET scan over with and just hear the news, bad or good, I don’t
care right now.
Being in limbo sucks……
I am prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best, but
mostly still hoping that they will tell me that they are so sorry, they got my
test results mixed up. So obviously I am going to be devastated no matter what. I know I will be fine no matter how bad it is, it just
will suck for awhile.
I also was very on edge tonight, snapped at the girls,
tried to fight with Kyle. It will be great to get tomorrow over with.
6 days later….
Yesterday I went in for my PET scan, it was a big one. To
say we were nervous was such a understatement, this was going to tell us just
how bad it really is.
We were gone all day, and it was mostly spent waiting. I
had to have radioactive stuff put through a IV, then I took a nap, then laid in
a tube and had to hold still. It sucked.
Luckily we had an appointment with Dr. Ann just a few
hours later.
She walked in smiling and right away I felt so much
better.
“It” hasn’t spread, thank the good God above! That is the
good news, and well the good news is what I need to focus on.
The not so great news, (or down right shitty news) is
that I am a stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma, and that means chemo.
Now I need to get my MRI, which happens tomorrow, then I
go in for genetic testing and will see if I carry the gene. I get to go see the oncologist too, but I
haven’t made that appointment yet.
After that I get my port in, I don’t know what to expect
with that, I am still in denial and that just makes it all too real.
Kyle and I decided that it would be best to have a double
mastectomy and chemo at the same time, Dr. Ann says since I am mature for my
age, and she can tell me and Kyle are a good couple that I can handle it. I
don’t really know if I can.
I am scared to lose my hair, eye brows, eye lashes,
nipples, blahhhh.
I am so sad for my girls to have to watch me get sick and
lose my hair. I worry about Grace, what will her friends say when her pretty
mom turns into a bald sick lady?
I am scared to lose control, I keep the house up, make
food, clean, take care of the girls, take care of Kyle, pay bills, I do a lot,
what is going to happen when I am too sick to do it?
I am scared for Kyle, he will now have so much
responsibility. Plus he has to watch me go through it all and take care of the
girls while it is all happening.
Even though I am SO scared, I am also so grateful that the
cancer isn’t everywhere. I am lucky I caught it when I did, who knows how bad
it would have been when I went in for my next ultrasound in 2 years. I wouldn’t
have even got the chance at Chemo probably.
8 days later…..
I got my MRI done yesterday, Terrie went in with me and
helped me with the twins. It went fine, just had to have a stupid IV, but I
guess that is just something I need to get use to.
I had a bad day yesterday, I think I am entitled to one
or two of those. I guess the more
appointments I go to, the more tests they run, and the more doctors who say
“When where you diagnosed with breast cancer” make it just so much more real.
It has only been a week, and it just feels like so much
longer and it still feels like a nightmare.
I am supposed to get my port put it next week so I can
start chemo at the beginning of the year.
I am scared and am calling the doctor to maybe move that till after
Christmas. Once I get the port in, it is really happening, and I just am not
ready for that yet.
We switch insurances at the beginning of the year and I
called to try and work some stuff out, I got a real bitch who was unhelpful and
who told me I should probably push my treatment till the middle or end of
January. I was so mad at her for being so rude that I called back to complain
about her and luckily got a sweet women who had just been through breast cancer
1 year ago. She was really helpful and at least I don’t have that stress right
now, I have enough other things to deal with.
12-14
I don’t even know how many days have passed now.
It still feels like a nightmare.
I am still mad.
Scared.
Sad.
People’s life goes on, they forget that I have “this”,
but I can’t get it out of my mind, and neither can Kyle. It makes me mad and
ask why me? I don’t think any good can come of that when you start feeling pity
for yourself, I think there are plenty of people who have pity for me, I don’t need
to have it for myself.
We took the girls to Frozen today, we are trying to keep
things “normal” for them. We decided
that we were going to wait till after Christmas to tell them that I am sick, it
is hard to know what to say to them without scaring them. And bigger than that I don’t want them to
associate Christmas and Mom being sick together.
I feel like the hardest part of this whole stupid
situation is my girls. Nothing has even started and I am going to miss Grace’s
Christmas party. I am going to try really hard to change my appointment, but I
guess with cancer you have to kinda keep those stupid things.
Even while I am going through treatment, we want to keep
life as normal as we can. We have my mom, Kyles mom, Great-Grandma Leavitt, and
I have a few close friends who I know will help, when I let them. We don’t want
the girls out of our schedule and I even am going to let them shave my head if (when)
the times comes.
After Christmas I am going to go get a pixie cut, maybe
it will be easier to lose my hair if it isn’t down to my butt, (probably not).
I wish someone could make me feel better, but when people
try they kinda just make me feel worst. I know it isn’t their intension, but
man people say some stupid shit!
12-16
I got my
MRI results, they were good! We now know for sure that is it the same
lump that was biopsied 2 years ago. That has brought on a whole new
batch of anger and what if's.
My lymph nodes looked good, Dr. Anne
will still take a few to biopsy just to be sure. I also got my genetic
test done, I spit into a jar, alot! I couldn't even fill out the paper
work right, I have NO brain.
I get my port in this week and go see the oncologist. After that, stuff is done till January.
My mind is just racing with every thought possible, talking to me is like talking with an extreme OCD ADHD adult, I am scary.
Stuff just comes out of my mouth and makes no sense, I can feel an extreme break down coming on. Kyle feels the same way.
I
did meet a new friend at the doctors office, she gave me some words of
encouragement, she also scared me shitless! She said I was smart for
doing it all at the same time, she had drug hers out for 3 years and
decided that she was just done with the reconstructive part. She also
told me what I already had decided, I need to cut my hair, short.
We
had a lot of similarity's in our diagnosis, and she said out of all the
terrible things, the hardest part was losing her hair. It did make it
easier since right before treatment she cut it very short.
I never considered myself vain till I was told I needed chemo, why is it that our (women) hair is so important?
I
have, on the outside, been really positive and good today, but on the
inside, I am a ball of nerves and on the verge of uncontrollable tears.
