I have had 2 good days out of 14.
I am not ready to start over.
Not feeling good takes a toll on your mood. I am so ready for this all to be over and to not feel like shit.
Ever since being diagnosed, I have heard more and more stories. I don't know if I am just more aware of other breast cancer stories, or if there is just more and more people getting diagnosed.
I do feel love and support from so many people. I've never been one who likes help or who has ever needed help, so it has been hard to except help, but unfortunately I've needed it the last month.
It would make things alot harder if we didn't have help from our moms. They both have been more than happy to come whenever I say I need help, and they would help with anything I'd let them!
Its been so wonderful to see all the support from the fundraisers that have been held for us, and the people who have donated. Jerrica and family started the fundraiser page and over $3000 has been raised on there, I have also got countless cards with donations in them. My Ciserella side did a fundraiser at nascar by raffling off pictures my aunt printed off, strangers who have never met me donated to that.
I love all the unexpected packages that come in the mail with movies, eyebrow kits, fun pink things, and nausea bands, they seem to come on days that are really bad.
But even with all the support and love, I just want things to go back to normal where people don't know who I am and stare at me when I walk through linns or scoop.
I want to have energy to want to hold a conversation with you, or listen to you talk, or stand up without getting "car sick", or clean my house and not have it take all day, or just have a normal weekend.
One of the worst parts of this whole chemo experience is food.
Nothing tastes good.
I've always thought 10 lbs. would be great to loose, I no longer feel that way. I miss food, I want pizza, Italian sausage, a whole loaf of french bread, pancakes, shell noodles and tomato soup, oh food....
I cant eat; meat, bread, anything spicy, soda, Dr. pepper, pretty much anything with flavor. I eat alot of apples, yogurt, potatoes, salad, and eggs.
Oh to go back to normal hermit life.
I finally broke down to Kyle, I told him my deepest darkest fears that I haven't been able to even say out loud.
I told him that if this shit goes bad, he will be fine, he will take care of the girls, and he will raise them to be wonderful loving adults. I want him to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, but he can't live anywhere we have lived together and he has to sell our bed, cause I will haunt his ass.
He told me to shut up and then we both cried.
I don't think this is all going to go to shit, but it is scary and it definitely is in the back of your mind.
Tomorrow I will only have 5 left, only 10 more weeks. I can do this.....
Also if you remember the women who is a breast cancer survivor only to have it come back in her bones, She starts her chemo tomorrow, so when you get dressed wear your pink for me and her, and include her little family in your prayers, please!
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