1 year later

Today marks one year from my last day of radiation.

This last year has been good to me,
I have had really good days, and really terrible days (that sometimes linger into really long sad weeks).

Even 1 year later I have a lot of cancer issues that will linger with me for the rest of my life.

Some of the physical things I still struggle with are...
Tiredness, I do really great, then I hit a wall and am just tired.
I think a lot of it has to do with the tamoxifen I will be taking for the next 9 years.
The tamoxifen also makes my body hurt, sometimes its bad, sometimes it doesn't bother me at all.
Radiation ruined my left side. I have SO much scar tissue build up that it is frustrating. Some days I wear my compression bands, they kinda help. I try and stretch to help with the scar tissue, but I think some physical therapy is in my future.
I still don't have much for strength, I should probably start to lift weights or something to help.
Also, Chemo brain, wow, some days are bad.
I have no memory, if I dont write it down and keep reminding myself, I forget.
I forget everything.
I cant keep a train of thought, it is like I have ADD, bad.
Some days when I know I am tired, I try to avoid people cause I hate to talk to people and sound crazy. Some times I cant think of words, mid sentence I forget what I am saying, and even though I know who you are, I cant remember your name for the life of me.

Emotionally I do really great, till I don't.
I get particularly nervous and sad and scared and anxious before I see Dr. Wu.
I swear it is a form of PTSD.
I had a hard time when a women I knew passed away from cancer.
I didn't leave my house, I didn't turn on my tv I stayed off facebook, and I avoided people as much as possible.
I felt so sad for her family and couldn't help but picture my kids as hers,
Kyle as her husband,
and me as her.

Cancer is a terrible and horrible disease.
It has forever changed the way I look at life, my kids, Kyle, and the little things in life.
It changed the way my kids think and how they see the world.
It changed Kyle and I's relationship.
In less than 2 years, our lives have changed so much but we are liking this new normal that we live. 

I still repeat these saying daily to remind me,

This to shall pass

 &

Surrender to what is 

Let go of what was 

Have faith in what will be 

I think we have all heard the story of "the egg, the potato, and the coffee" all going throught the same thing but came out different. 

I think I am the coffee bean, I changed and became something new. 

Mahalo

We decided to build our forever home on our piece of property here. 

We have yet to decided if it was a crazy idea.

I didn't know how much went into building, but I am getting a crash course in it! 

I have my layout and the outside look all picked out and almost have the plans drawn up! 

(if you need an architect let me know, the one I am using has been great!) 

To say it is my dream house is a understatement.

I got to pick everything down to where the electrical outlets go, I told Kyle we are never going to be able to leave cause I have already put so much heart into it! 

Monday we are doing the soil test, and then need to have a couple more 'tests' done to be able to pass Clark county rules. 

Its a long process, but hopefully in less than a year we will be in our forever and ever home! 

Gardening and Summer!

Kyles summer garden is about dead, but we got lots from it!
So many onions, little ones, but delicious.
Mammoth Sunflowers.
So many jalapenos.
And, I have so many pickles, SO MANY!!!!

We have had a great summer, sleeping in, going on vacation, staying in PJ's, and swimming!
Even though we have loved summer, I think we are ready for school to start and to get back into a good schedule! 

Grace's Favorite thing we did was.... Her birthday week, everything about it!

Addison's was.... Her vacation with Grandma Nancy.

Alaynna's was... Swimming at Grandma Merri's pool.

Kayaking out at the lake

We decided to take the kayaks out to the lake since the reservoir is getting pretty low and gross.
We went out later in the day, so the wind was blowing and there were some pretty good waves!
It was a little scary at first, but it was really fun too.

We found a little cove with cliffs to jump off, and lots to explore.
It is definitely one of our favorite things to do as a family and we have been out a couple more times since then.

We are sad summer is over, but we plan on wearing out the kayaks next summer!

Desert Beauty!

All 3 of the girls got a couple days with Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt by themselves this summer!
They helped Grandma pull weeds, Grace learned how to sew, They went to the movie, Mostly they had lots of fun being spoiled!

While Alaynna was with Grandma and Grandpa, we took a ride out by the lake to look for sheep.
I took pictures while Kyle looked for the sheep and the girls followed me around!

The Creek!

The girls like to play in the creek up the mountain, where the water is freezing!
Its a good thing that it was so warm in Marysvale!
Every time we play here, I always think there's bears watching us!

Monroe Mountain

We love Monroe Mountain, any one who knows anything about me, knows I want my ashes scattered in Barney Lake.
We try and get up there at least once a summer.

We braved it and went up the 25th, one of our favorite places to picnic was opened and so we stopped and played all day there!
The girls made houses in the trees, pushed down dead trees, played hide and go seek, found bugs, screamed like little girls, and got SO dirty!!! 

There is a nasty catch pond up there.
We walked over to see if there was any frogs, then Kyle mentioned, being funny, they should get in!
The next thing we knew Addison and Alaynna were saying, "if you do, I will." and stripping off their clothes!
Addison really did swim to the middle then started to get cold so Kyle made her come back so he wouldn't have to jump in to save her!

We couldn't believe they got in, but those 2 are pretty brave and talk each other into doing all kinds of things they shouldn't!

We took dinner up there, hobo dinners and hot dogs!
The hobo dinners were some of the best we have made, kielbasa sausage, squash from the garden, carrots, potatoes, and onions! The only thing that was missing was mushrooms!

We had such a great day up there, it was probably one of the funnest days this summer!

24th of July

I love the 24th of July in Marysvale, I have missed one in my whole life.
The girls love it as much as I do!
My Mom, Steve, Nancy, Penn, Ron and Joyce all were there so we got to see lots of family!

After Terrie and I took as much candy as we could at the parade, we made our way down to the park.
I talked to everyone I grew up with and Kyle stood in the shade!
The girls played a couple games and went on the bounce houses, then we went back to the trailer for lunch! We hung out there till the fish rodeo, the best art of the 24th!

The girls had so much fun, Alaynna threw every fish she got at me, they splashed and touched the nasty fish! We didn't bring back any fish cause they are nasty!

The 24th was great this year, we had so much fun!