some thoughts....

1-1
Well it is the new year.
Last year wasn't great but not terrible either. I am afraid this one is going to at least start really shitty, but hopefully end better than it starts.

Jakell has been down this week and it has been really nice to get to spend some time with her. She showed up sporting a new short hair cut and her and Riley were decked out in pink. It made me feel loved.
Jerrica also has a short new do!
My mom even chopped her hair off today.
In 5 years, when I am healthy, I will be hearing about how they chopped off their beautiful long locks for me. Before Jerrica, Jakell, and Mom even cut their hair, I told them that they only way I would feel supported is if they let me shave their eyebrows off. I guess they went with short new hair do's instead of no eyebrows to show some support!!!
Since they didn't listen, wouldn't it be great if I didn't end up having chemo?!?! I think they would be fine with it even if I didn't, chances of no chemo are, well, none, but a girl can dream right?!

I didn't realize that anyone really cared, I mean like really cared, but I got a special visit from a friend the other day.
She brought over the most thoughtful gift I have ever received.
She brought a bag of things that will make treatment easier.
(I can only imagine what she googled to figure out all of the stuff!!!)  
Like ginger gum, a really cute beanie, lip balm, a soft blanket, socks, throat lozenges, and an amazon gift card for something to read. 
She made me cry, but she was crying too so it made it ok!!
Really, since I know you will read this, thank you so much!!!

In stupid hard time like this,
things like your sisters and mom chopping their hair off,
your brother-in-law wearing pink,
friends who text/call to make sure you've not gone off the deep end,
yet,
a friend who brings cinnamon rolls,
a friend who comes over to give you stuff to make "it" easier,
a friend who chases you down in Linns,
a bra burning party,
It all just makes it a little easier.

1-2
While doing my hair today I broke down, like a bad break down.
Why is my hair so f-ing important?
Poor Meagan, we are both going to be bawling while she gives me my haircut on Monday.

Fun fact, or not..... I was only 23 when I found my lump. Twenty freaking three..........
I've never smoked, I have no family history, obviously I am young, I breast fed, I have kids, I've never had hormone replacement therapy,
none of the risk factors, 
what the hell???

1-3
Kyle woke up with a head ache.
I told him he was getting sick.
He told me we were going to a doctors appointment. (he's had a headache for every appointment)
But really our doctors appointment went fine! Dr. Anne said she thinks she can try and save my nipples and surgery will be scheduled soon. I will know by Wednesday when I go in for sure.
Talking with Dr. Anne just made me feel that much more confident that a double mastectomy is going to be the right decision for me. She is such a great doctor and we can even laugh together in this crappy time! 
My genetic test wont be back till the middle of the month, Dr. Anne gave me the option of waiting till after we know if I carry the gene to do surgery, but I just want to get it started so we can get it done. To me, it won't matter if I do or I don't carry the gene, I only want to know for my girls.

Kyle doesn't say the words cancer or chemo, but tonight he did. It wasn't anything big, but it was a step out of denial!
We had such a fun day together, it was really just what we needed!
I am not suppose to eat sushi once I start chemo, so we decided that we would eat it as much as we could before I start! Tonight we went to Yummy Sushi and it was by far the best sushi we have had! If you go, get the "over the rainbow"  roll, it has chopped up fish on top, so it is like sashimi but just little bits of it, best roll I have ever had!


1-4
It has been 1 month since we got our life changing news, it feels like it has been alot longer than that.
I felt like after 1 month we would be farther along than we are.
I know that stuff doesn't happen over night, but shit people, I just am sick of being in limbo. 
I don't sleep, I don't eat, unless it is junk, I am stressed and maybe getting a little depressed.
I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster,
I am ok,
then want to cry,
then want to punch something,
then I just want to cry,
then laugh and say
"it is what it is" or "this to shall pass"
but usually when I am saying those happy "i am ok" things, I am imagining myself hitting my head on the wall over and over.

I am still in denial a little bit.
I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't get my hair cut off, cause maybe I wont need chemo.
Maybe the results got mixed up, cause it just shouldn't be happening to me.

I asked Kyle if he thought there was a reason this was happening, I am trying to believe that something good is going to come of this, and that it is happening for a reason bigger than me, but it is hard, really hard. 

Then when I get really tired, I start to have those really bad thoughts creep up.
what if it comes back,
what if they don't get it all,
what if "it" is in those lymph-nodes that are inflamed,
what are the girls going to think when I am sick all the time,
who is going to take care of all the stuff I take care of,
and last but not least, did I "think" this cancer into my body, did I do something wrong to have this horrible "thing" grow inside of me?
Then I start to have a panic attack and have to tell myself to stop thinking about it. 

This year is going to be hard, but I do know that all this hard stuff I will be going through is going to help me. I am going to able to see my girls grown into the beautiful, strong, caring, loving, women that I know they will be. I know that this is helping me to see my girls get married, to hold my grand babies, to grow old and wrinkled with Kyle, to travel with Kyle, and for me to just be here for the girls and Kyle.
Cause who would kiss owies, snug them in the right way, and tell them the pig joke? Who is going to help them through those horrible emotional year, who is going to teach them to put makeup on, and who is going to make sure Kyle doesn't eat a pizza stick and snickers for breakfast.
I have to be here for them.
So I will be, cause I am a fighter, I am strong, and I am extremely stubborn.
I will be fine, and this to shall pass.  

I hope by December 4th 2014, we can move forward, past this scary time, and maybe that I will have some hair on my head that looks good!

Till then I will be repeating this in my mind and maybe out loud sometimes....
Surrender to what is. 
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.