To do or not to do, it isn't a question...

1-29

I went and seen Dr. Anne Monday, she took my staples out! I am totally numb so I didn't feel a thing.
I did have a few questions for her, but I forgot to write them down.
I remembered 2...
What stage of cancer am I?
and if she got all my cancer out, why did I have to have chemo and radiation?

Welllllll........ I got my answer to both when she told me that I was a stage 3 and explained it in way more detail than Kyle or I wanted, statistics SUCK.
But, I feel ok about it all. Life will be fine. I am no longer in denial about not having to have chemo. It is what it is. BLAHHHHHH........

I left the house today, I went to linns, I seen a few friends. Its nice to get out and see people and remember that life is still happening outside my little compound here. 
I know people don't know what to say to me, cause I really don't know what to say to people when anything "bad" is going on in their life, I understand, I get it!
But I love that people want to say something, anything,
but you people are going to have to come up with more than you like my hair,
cause soon I will be
bald!!!!!


1-31

We went and seen Dr. Wu yesterday, he is a great doctor, but he talks alot!!
I had to be weighted, blood pressure, heart rate, all that crap before actually seeing the doctor.
The nurse said " You've lost 5 pounds since we seen you a month ago??"
Me being the awkward, no filter women that I am blurted out, "well I am boobless and hairless now!"
She laughed and laughed at how crazy I am!
*also you cant tell I've lost 5 lbs, it really was my boobs and my hair!

Dr. Wu gave us a history lesson on chemo, how far it has came, new studies, and a bunch of other stuff that could scare you.
Did you know that if the cancer hasn't spread to your lymph nodes, a lot of times the doctor will tell you that you don't need chemo? There are studies being done on this! By the time my girls are my age, I don't know if there will be a cure, but I can imagine that it wont be as scary as it is today.
Even with my case, it has only spread to the one lymph node, I am in the "grey" area, where it could go either way.
There are alot of little "things" and tests that go into helping decided if chemo will help you or not, but it is ultimately up to the patient.
I asked him, "If I was your daughter what would you tell me to do, chemo or no chemo?"
He didn't hesitate and said "chemo."

So..... I start on the 10th.
I need to have a echo, or EKG, or some test ran on my heart, Thursday so they can tell me if my heart can take the poison, (just another test, why so many damn tests!)
It should be 8 rounds every other week, so in 4 months this part should be over.
"It" doesn't end in 4 months, I will take a pill for the next 10 years, and be monitored for the rest of my long life.
He talked about side effects and really stuff has came so far, he said I will have fatigue and hair loss, there are pills and stuff they put in your IV when they give you chemo, that help with the nausea.
I can survive being tired, the girls can put up with me being tired, they aren't going to have to see me sleeping on the bathroom floor puking up my insides,
all will be fine!

Dr. Wu also said he would write me a prescription for a wig, (your insurance will usually cover a "Medical Cranial Prosthesis"), but I just don't see myself wearing a wig. I might go get some pink or blue wigs just to be cool, but I think I'll stick with the cool scarfs I have!

Honestly I feel good about it all, I am still scared and sad, but I know that it will end.