look good, feel better????

2-3

Monday is doctor day, it has been for about the last 2 months.
Today was my first time getting my expanders filled.

When I first was diagnosed, a new cancer friend said she learned alot from the "look good, feel better" class.
So I decided to sign up before chemo so maybe I could learn how to do my eyebrows. I was also hopeful to find someone who I could talk with that would get the crazy thoughts that I have.
I was  unfortunately very disappointed with the experience.
I was way younger than the other women there, and I was the ONLY one with hair on my head.
To start the class off you were suppose to wash all your make up off, I knew I had a day full of appointments and so I didn't, (plus I already knew how to put makeup on).
So I watched the ladies struggle, I just wanted to lean over and say, NO not that way, do it like this. I did keep most of my thoughts to myself.
While the instructor talked about putting on foundation, I had a thought, one I have had before. So I raised my hand and my awkwardness just came spilling out.
"So I know I am the only one in here with hair on my head. I haven't started chemo yet. But how do you know where to stop with the foundation? Do you just put it all over your scalp? Like just keep going till it looks blended? "
They all just stared at me and finally the nice lady to my left said, "You'll know where to stop."
So I guess putting foundation on is not like shinning a bowling ball.

A lady that sat to my right leaned over and said, "You look really healthy."
I smiled and said "thanks" while thinking, ya I look healthy cause I am the only one in the room with hair and make up on. I did keep that comment to myself!
She also asked what kind of cancer I had, (kinda like when your in prison, "so what are you in for"). I told her breast cancer, and asked what she was in for kind she had.
She had ovarian and in her words, it is way worst than breast cancer, the treatment, the prognosis, the everyday life, she basically is dead, I am so lucky that I just have breast cancer.
I smiled and looked away.

After telling a little of my story, not much cause they all interrupt each other, they all said I have such a positive outlook on this whole experience.
I really hope I do, but honestly I don't think I do, I am just in the "lets get this done" mode!  

After this class I went and found a jimmy johns and stuff my face and said the F word and lots of other bad word in my head about how horrible and what a waste that 2 hours of my life was, it should be called, "look 60 and feel scared, not look good feel better"!

Then went to Dr. Annes, I told her I had went to the class and told her my thoughts about it, I asked if there was anything for young women who had breast cancer or a survivor's group for young women.
She agreed with me about the class (she said it was a class where older women went to bitch, have I said how much I love Dr. Anne and her office?!). She would love to help me start something cause she sees alot of young women in her office that feel the same way as I do.

She also talked and talked while she shoved a needle in my breast, then pumped fluid in them.
Filling the expanders doesn't hurt, I am totally numb, nada for feeling, it is still weird for me. I did go to my car and look down to see that my shirt was very wet where my expanders had leaked. I called up and asked if that was normal, she said, "ya as long as your not bleeding like alot"!

I was so happy to pull into my driveway, it was a long day!!