radiation

Today I went in to get ready for radiation.
The first step was to deflate my temporary boobs.
I went into the office a big C and came out a very small, very deformed A. 
It was a bummer.
Jackie, the PA who deflated me said she wanted to cry for me, but it wont be long and they will look good again.
I have been thinking of some positives, the biggest one is I will be able to sleep on my stomach for the next 3 months!!! And the expander are so uncomfortable, so a little break from them will be fine.
Those are the only two I can think of, and i've thought hard......!

I got my radiation "tattoos" today, they are just 3 little freckle like blue dots, one in the middle of my chest and then one on each side of my body. They are there so that they can line you up in the exact spot every time.
I told kyle I was just going to get 3 little flower tattoos where the dots were! 
The nurse told me that I shouldn't shave or wear deodorant while having radiation, poor kyle!!
I dont know when I start yet, hopefully next Monday, but doctor time is very slow. I should know in a few day though and then we can make a better plan!

I have to keep telling myself radiation is just more insurance that I will have many more healthy years in front of me.

I am in the "grey" area of radiation and the decision was ultimately up to me to do it or not.
The doctor did let me know of some concerns and why he would push for me to have it done.

My young age is one of the biggest concerns. 

When having my mastectomy she got a very thin margin, meaning I could have some microscopic cancers cells left and that could turn into cancer in my chest wall. 

I also have a type of cancer that has a high re-occurrence rate.   

And he explained the survival rate with and without radiation and the re-occurrence rate drops with radiation.

I, in good conscious, couldn't say no, mostly for the girls.
Who would teach them how to make real lasagna and that Italian sausage should only be served with onions peppers and stewed tomatoes!

I had a week of sleepless nights in Marysvale to think about it, and I have been thinking that I haven't been at peace like I thought I would be after chemo.
I've felt like it just isn't over.
Maybe that was preparing me for radiation.
Maybe after my 4 weeks of radiation, I will feel more at peace. 

I am mostly bummed that radiation kinda ruins the girls summer, when mom has to go to Vegas everyday we don't get to do our normal everyday fun summer stuff, but hopefully when they are older they can look back and understand.

I drove myself in today, it was nice to just be alone in the car listening to my music way to loud.
Awhile ago a friend told me about the song "fight like a girl" by Bombshel, I downloaded it and only listen to it when I know I wont cry.
Today it came on and I cried, it was a very long day today.
But I thought this describes my feeling perfectly.

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl

I am still fighting, but I feel like I am almost to the end, the hard chemo part is over.
I am feeling better and better and even can say I really do feel good most days!
I also have lots of eyelashes growing, a few eyebrows, and my head hair is getting alittle longer, but not as fast as I hoped it would come in!
Hairless and boobless for only a little bit longer, and then we can start to put this year behind us.