Life after treatment

Life after treatment is a weird thing.
When I was going in for my mastectomy, I knew what was going to happen, I researched and prepared for all things.
When I started chemo, I was scared, but I knew what could/would happen. I mentally prepared for it, I knew I would be tired, not feel good, and lose my hair.
When they told me I needed to have radiation, I thought "well this sucks, but I can do this, I know what is expected."

Each time I had to do something with the 'treatment' part of the disease,
I was ok,
I was in survivors mode,
just get through this much and then lets conquer the next step.

Now, 1 year after my mastectomy, 8 months after chemo, 5 months after radiation, I thought my life would be back to 'normal', not that I can even remember what 'normal' is.
No doctor can tell you what happens after your hair grows back and you look healthy,
it is the unknown.

Most days I am fine and dont have freak outs, but somedays I work myself into a fit.
Something triggers the worry that "Is that pain in my hip just cause I need to go to the chiropractor? or is 'it' coming back."
Sometimes it is a story I read or see on the news about cancer coming back or someone that has died from cancer.
Sometimes I think it is because I havent slept good and am more emotional.
Or days like today, I hate my hair and just want it long.
I dont say it out loud,
but I hate that my hair is short, not really that its short, but that I didn't choose to have it short.
I hate that my boobs aren't normal, and even when they look normal, its not like they are real.
I hate the scars, I counted 13 scars from my c-section scar to my mastectomy scars. Some scars I dont mind more than others.
I hate that I look old now.
I hate that I lost a year of my life.
I hate that sometimes it feels like all I am in a cancer patient. 
I hate that I question everything, am I eating good enough, am I teaching my kids to eat good, should I exercise more, am I getting enough sleep, is it dark enough when I sleep, should I be taking the tamoxifen, should I get a hysterectomy.

I tell myself I am entitled to a bad day ever now and again, but not two in a row!
I had my freak out, cried in the shower, cried to Kyle, then took some deep breathes, got a good nights rest,
and
I am ok, I am fine, and I am healthy.
I am more than a cancer patient.  

Stuff

Ya, I am a crazy chicken lady. I love my chickens and someday will love my goats and bees!

I finally was feeling better after my doctors appointment last week,  one day in there drains me, so I got some of my pomegranate juice out!
We have sweet and sour bushes here at this house, and so the juice isn't super dark red, but it still made some beautiful, dark, and delicious jelly! I got a batch of jalapeno, that tastes amazing over cream cheese with wheat thins and a batch of plain pomegranate!
Maybe this week I'll do another batch!

Ginger has decided she is going to hatch some chicks, but we don't have a rooster, so shes just sitting there. We thought she would figure it out on her own, but she hasn't, so today I am on chicken duty, mostly just kicking her out of the coop!
But I kinda understand her, there for a couple of years I was brooding too, all I wanted was a baby, but Kyle just kept kicking me out of the coop!!!  

Other than chicken duty, we have been getting the garden ready! Kyle and the girls got peas, spinach, and chard in the ground. and we got our tomato place all ready!

Since we only got a week of cold weather, Kyles trapping hasn't been great. But the girls still go with him and love every minute of it! They mostly run wild, get dirty, and throw rocks! 

We've been keeping it pretty boring here at this house, and that's just the way we like it!! 

Sad cancer update!

It's been awhile since I did a "sad cancer post".

The biggest reason is cause I have chemo brain, horribly!!!!!!! Kyle is always saying that I have Alzheimer's cause that really is how bad it is some days. It is very frustrating! 
I can be talking, and right in the middle of my sentence and I will forget what I am saying, or where I was going with the pointless story I am telling. 
I also forget words, or I cant remember the word I am trying to say. 
And if I dont set an alarm or write a note, it will not get done. 
Like when I forgot I told Grace to stay after school cause she had piano, and then didnt pick her up till the school called me!!!!! Ya, I am that mom now. 
I have always been so organized and controlling, and I am neither now, cause I honestly dont have the brain power to be either. 
Did I mention it was very frustrating, cause it is!!! 

I was texting with one of my pink sisters and she also said that was one of the hardest parts of this post cancer treatment life. We both are on the tamoxifen so I am guessing that is a big part of why the chemo brain is still here. Also I have noticed if it isnt the chemo brain my new friends are going through, it is the damn hot flashes, they are something terrible!

Another reason I havent wrote in awhile, not even on my cancer-versary, (December 4th), is because as I look back at this last year, I feel like all I ever was, was a cancer patent.
And I am really sick of cancer!

I have mostly good days, but there are some bad days in there. The good seem to be great and the bad seems to be really bad. But I get through it and I wake up the next morning and try to not have more than one bad day in a row.

I haven't had to go to any doctors appointments since the first part of December. I got the great news that I should get my soft implants in March! I could have went one more time to Dr. Anne and had one more fill, but I was so over the doctors and the pain that I am just going to hope they look wonderful!
I go in for my 4 month check up Monday, just to talk to Dr. Wu and Dr. Pomerantz (the oncologist and radiation oncologist) and get some blood drawn, without a port, blahhh! The only good thing about the port was how much easier it made getting blood.

My energy levels are coming back to normal for the most part. Most days I feel great and can get alot done, and then there are some days that I am really tired and just want to sit around all day. But hey that just means I still can play the cancer card if I need to!

Another post cancer treatment issue is my radiated side sucks, ha! I dont have great mobility with it, it gets tired easier than the other side, and its stiff. I am going to ask about physical therapy and hopefully start that soon and make it better. I really think once my soft implants are in, it will be alot better!

I hope to have a very uneventful 2015, only filled with good, or at the very least, not bad things!
This last year has been a learning and growing experience, I feel like it has really made me a better version of myself.
I think I am more patient, positive, loving, appreciate the small things in my life, and less judgmental.
I have learned alot about myself this last year, and even thought it really was horrible, I got through it, all is well, and that is a really comforting feeling!

Christmas Break

We enjoyed ever minute of Christmas break, and by the time it was over, we were all ready to get back into a routine!
We slept in ever morning, we played outside, watched movies, played with the new Christmas toys, and trapped with Kyle! 

We all got a virus, it was kinda the flu, kinda a cold, and kinda vertigo. Not fun!
Kyle even got it and had to stay home from work, luckily we are all feeling better!!

Leavitt Party

Since Nancy and Penn joined the rest of the family and moved away, we go up the Saturday after Christmas for the Leavitt party!
Its usually the only time we go to the cold in the winter, so we like to try and play in the snow! This year we just played in the back yard and had so much fun!!
It wasnt freezing, it was just really cold! If you stood in the sun, it wasn't horrible!!

We had alot of fun up there with family!
We opened presents, talked, watch the girls run around in their cute frozen capes, and had our annual ginger bread house competition!
Kyle and I won last year, and we got 2nd this year, we are pretty talented!!
It is always fun when we are all together, it doesn't happen often, but when it does we enjoy it!

Christmas phone pictures

Christmas

This Christmas was I think my favorite one so far!
We didnt do a dang thing and it was perfect!

The girls got up a little after 6, and we could hear them in there very excited!
They dumped their stockings out and were so excited about every little thing!
Santa was good to them this year,
Grace got a (knock off) American girl doll, and a CD player!
Addison got her cowgirl stuff, but not a pony, maybe next year!
Alaynna got her frozen dress and high heels!
Then Santa left them a trampoline!

Grace summed up the day, (and also made me feel like we are doing something right) and said, "This was the best Christmas, we got the 1 thing we wanted and more things we love!"

We didnt change out of PJ's till lunch,
we watched movies all day,
played games,
and watched the girls have fun!
I defiantly feel like I was not my normal Grinchy self this year, I watched the hallmark channel, had Christmas music on everyday, and had decorations stuffed in every corner of this little home!

But I did have most of the decorations down the day after Christmas!!!

Christmas Eve

We had a wonderful Christmas this year. 

Kyle had  to work till noon on Christmas eve, so we took our time getting ready for the day, we listened to Christmas music, danced, and took long baths!

The girls had a checklist of things they wanted to do, so we made reindeer food, cookies, monkey bread and painted our fingernails! 

The twins woke up at the crack of dawn, I was listening to them whisper sing Rudolph, it made my day!

They bounced off the walls, I enjoyed every minute of it! 

When we went to sprinkle reindeer food Ren, the elf, left a present for them, christmas eve PJ's!  They loved them and thought it was so cool. 

At 7:30 we decided it was bed time, usually they all fight us and talk and come back in and tell us goodnight 50 times. Not Christmas eve, we didn't hear a peep and they were out by 7:45!