Big Girl Beds.

The twins got new beds for their birthday, it was probably time to move them out of the toddler beds!
We had the truck in Vegas already to pick up stuff for the chicken coop, so we decided to stop by Costco and get the mattresses, (they were the cheapest there and pretty nice for the price!)! The girls were so excited!

Now they are all set up and they love that they are sleeping in big girl beds!!

number 7

I have not been sleeping well so I think alot, sometime it is good things, sometimes it is scary.

Something that has been on my mind is the fact that I wear a scarf  for other people.
I never wear a hat or scarf when I am home, I dont like them, they make me hot, I dont like how I look in them. I shaved the few hairs I had left off today. I think it looks alot better and not so sickly looking now.
Alaynna loves to touch my bald head, (When I was little, I remember rubbing my dads head when he would buzz it).  
Addison asked why I would shave my head again, didn't I want my hair to come back? Yes sister, so bad! 

There for about the first 4 month of chemo, (ya the whole 4 months!) Grace asks me the same questions every night before bed. "Why did this bad thing grow inside of you?" "Is it ever going to come back" "What does cancer look like?" I tell her to grow up, go to college, and be the scientist who figures all that out for me! 
The hardest thing Grace has said to me was after watching on the news about a mom passing away from cancer, she came into me in the kitchen and said, "Mom, am I going to lose you, are you going to die because of cancer?" 
I grabbed her, hugged her hard, and said,"no".

We decided that the best way to explain cancer to the girls is that something bad was growing in mom and they had to take it out, the medicine makes it so that all if it is gone. School and other people have made it alittle more scary for Grace cause shes older and knows more. I wish I could shelter them all and so they dont know of all the bad scary things in the world, but thats not how life works.

Alaynna asked if I had something growing inside of me from swallowing a seed. They all wonder and ask questions alot. I hope we explain it as best we can.

As the time comes closer to the end of chemo, I regret not using the cancer card more, telling off a few people who need to be put in there place, then saying "sorry I have cancer!" But honestly I can not wait to be done and get on with my life!

Today is number 7, I don't know if I could do more. 8 is plenty.

feeling good

I am feeling good this week, I just keep telling myself I am almost to the end of chemo, almost there....

I am getting some taste buds back, I will most defiantly gain the 10 lbs. I've lost back in no time at all, and I don't even care, I am actually excited!
Ive made dinner every night this week, I cleaned up the house, I paid bills, I almost feel great, not normal but not like death!
I do have neuropathy (numbness) in my feet and hands, its very annoying at night, but since I don't feel like death, I'm not complaining!

I day dream about my hair coming back, my eyebrows not needing to be filled in, my eyelashes coming back, not kick balls for boobs, oh to be "normal"!
Friends I see, when I make it out, always make sure and tell me I look good. I always say thanks, but think "man alive, if you seen me without my face of makeup on, you'd think I looked like a sick cancer patient!"

Tonight at dinner Kyle told Alaynna if she didn't eat her chicken, that when she grew up she'd go bald like Mom!
She ate her whole piece of chicken tonight!
So if anyone out there needs their kids to eat their veggys at dinner, give me a call, you can scare them!

I only have to see Dr. Anne for one more expansion, I have 2 more chemo, and 2 more shots. That is all that's left!
I know I wont be done-done, but I am close!
So close.

May Day

The May Day dance has came and went! Grace was SO excited this year for it, the last 3 years she was very nervous.
The 2nd grade does the Mexican hat dance. She practiced for weeks! She looked beautiful and loved that she got to wear my skirt and necklace!

** I dont really like the May Day dances, I dont know why but its almost torture to sit through it for me and Kyle, this year was worst cause all I seen everywhere was germs!! Don't get me wrong I love to watch Grace, but I'd rather just watch her do a dance in the back yard!

Easter

This Easter we took it pretty easy!
The girls got to go spend a few days with Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt while I went to the doctor, over spring break.
I missed them, alot.
I've decided I am the kind of mom that likes a break every other Friday night to go on a date, but I don't like it when the girls are gone for more than a few hours now and then. That probably why I say no to play dates, I enjoy the girls even if it is just listening to them play in the next room.

They came back late Saturday, so we dyed eggs and played outside!

Easter morning they woke up at the crack of dawn, found some eggs inside and ran  around like crazy women!
After we got ready for the day, they went outside and found eggs all over the back yard! They love that the Easter bunny leaves eggs outside every year, (one of the perks of living where there is never winter!)!
Mom, Steve, and Terrie came over for lunch and to hang out!

I started to get sick on Easter so I didn't have to much energy and just sat around all day!

Heres some pictures from the weekend!

Last week was kinda a rough one.
I miss my hair.
I didnt feel great.
I know now that I have one more week of this cause I missed a week.
Who would have thought taking a week off of chemo could make someone a little depressed?

This new drug, taxol, makes my body hurt so bad. Like everything hurts, even my eyelids when I blink.
But only 2 more treatments left. That means only alittle more than a month and I can start to feel better, or at least stop having my body poisoned.
On the bad weeks, when I dont feel good, I just like to sit and listen to the girls play.
I dont have the energy to talk to other people. 
I cant wait till people stop asking how I feel and for when I just feel good, or at least just not feel like crap!
With the end in sight, I wonder what happens after my last treatment.
Does life just go back to normal?
Do I even know what "normal" is?
Do I keep going and seeing doctors?
And when I dont see a doctor every other week to tell me that I am fine and the cancer isnt back am I going to be able to not worry?

Chemo brain is a real thing, I am so forgetful, it is very frustrating.
I feel like I am stupid, I cant think of how to spell simple things, or find the right word to say, or I just forget what I am doing or saying in the middle of doing it. Hopefully my brain comes back with my hair!

I've been getting lots of bills, I just set them in a pile and think I'll deal with them when I feel better.
I got a letter from the insurance saying that Desert Springs hospital billed them for $266,000 for my mastectomy.
I could buy a house for that.
Affordable health care act, my ass!
Thanks God that Kyle has a good job and that we have insurance.

With all things considered, life here at the Leavitt home is good. I think we are all excited for summer to get here so we can go to Marysvale and do all the fun things summer includes!