Tough enough to wear pink

Last Saturday was Tough Enough To Wear Pink. I woke up Saturday nervous, I knew people would be looking at me, and that made me nervous, ha!

But as soon as we got there I seen familiar faces, and Ashley who hugged me and made me feel so much better!
We got some of Rik's BBQ and then went and watched all the lady's ride. The girls had so much fun running around with friends and it was so nice to see people who love me there.
It was a hot day so Kyle came and got us our shade and some ice. It made the rest of the day much more comfortable!
Next year we will just bring it with us from the beginning! 

When Ashley asked me months ago if they could do this for me, I was hesitant, but then I thought "yes people do stuff like this cause they want to."

I think the picture of me "ugly" crying shows my emotions better than I could put into words.
I have never felt love and support like that from strangers and new and old friends. It was a very humbling experience for us.
Even as I sit here and look at the pictures and write this,  I am crying. It was something I will never be able to put into words.

Next year I cant wait to help out, I am going to make it my mission to get some people in the stands to  watch the wonderful ladies ride!

I am SO glad Amanda stuck around all day, I made her take pictures for me, shes the best!! 

Birthday post

I turned 28 last Friday!

I usually hate my birthday, I hide out and don't want anyone to recognize the day, but this year I didn't mind it at all. I have been repeating to myself, "old age is a privileged denied to many". I am ok with getting older, cause that means I get longer to watch my monsters grow up and more dates with Kyle!  

This year Kyle got me tickets to wicked, I love Broadway and have wanted to see wicked for, forever. 

It did not disappoint and when elphaba sang Defying Gravity, a tear came to my eye!! (all my children know the song. I thought everyone did)

I got lots of phone calls, texts, a few visits from friends, lunch with friends, and Kyle took me out for sushi and bunny busting, it was a very good day!

I thought I would write 28 things about me.

(28 seems like alot, I hope I can think that many!!) 

1. My favorite thing to eat is sushi, surprising.....
2. If I had to much money, I would give to the arts. I cant wait for my girls to get old enough to go with me to Broadway musicals and the ballet. 
3. I think if I would have had an art teacher growing up, I probably would have turned out 'more' like my Aunt Toni, and spent my days painting beautiful things, molding cows and giving them away for $12!!! 
4. I try and call my grandparents once a week, I like to see what the old people are up to and make sure they are taking care of themselves.
5. I don't like complaining, and I try not to do it. I always feel like there are so many people who are going through more than I am, why should I complain. Except on my blog, cause that is where I vent and I figure if you don't want to read it, don't click on it.
6. I love vegetables, I think the only one I don't love is pumpkin.
7. In fact, I hate pumpkin anything! Pumpkins should only be carved or used as decoration!
8. I feel like if people would do what I said, when I said it, the world would be a better place. Some would call that controlling, others would just say that I was smart!
9. I am always cold, unless I am having a hot flash, but I am never just right.
10. I just agree with people to shut them up. I only argue about something when I know I will win the argument, know I can change your mind, or am so passionate about the subject that I can't not try and convince you of my the right way!  
11. My biggest fear is something happening to my kids, something happening to Kyle, or having my cancer come back. 
12.  I could live off good bread, cheese and coffee.
13. I love to knit!
14. I cant wait to buy a forever home. I cant wait to decorate and paint, and call a place ours again! 
15. I love living here in this valley. After a long time of wanted to move I finally feel like this is home. 
16. I am more liberal than you would ever know.
17. I try and live my life with the mentality "live and let live". I let you pretend the way you live your life is the "right" way, let me pretend to. 
18.  I love to take pictures, I think pictures are like memories. You look back and you can feel the feelings you were having and remember little details that you wouldn't have without the pictures. Thats one reason I love my blog, I have wrote things down that I probably would have forgotten! 
19. I love to listening to my music to loud, Kyle hates it when I turn it up.
20. I love to cook, I just dont like to decided what to cook.
21. I love my chickens, I love to watch them peck the ground, it is very relaxing! 
22. If I was braver and not scared of needles, I would probably be tattooed neck down. I'd have huge angel wings, a rosary around my ankle, an arrow, all my kids names, and for sure a sleeve done up! Maybe someday! 
23. I don't really get "inspired" by people. Like motivation boards and such, they just don't do it for me. I feel like people who try to be inspiring, aren't. You don't wake up in the morning and think "what can I do to inspire someone today?"  You should just wake up and think "what good can I do today?" 
24. I love a man with a beard, that's why Kyle looks like a grizzly man!
25. After 28 years, I am A-OK with my extra squish that I have. I will never be a skinny mini, and I am fine with that. I hope it doesnt take my girls 28 years to be ok with how they look.
26. I love Iggy Azalea, I cant listen to her with the girls around cause she swears like a sailor, but hey so do I!
27. I love to watch people trip, I know it is horrible but it is so funny!! 
28. I think the answer to being mad at someone is egging their house, someday I might just actually do it!! So if one day you wake up to my organic eggs all over your house, know you've pissed me off!!!

pink washed

Its October, that usually means my birthday, pumpkins, fall, Halloween, and great weather.
But now that means pink, boobs, cancer, cancer horror stories, and so much pink.

My girls are always drawing "my cancer ribbons" and when we see a women wearing scarf or a bald man, the girls say "hey, she or he got your cancer"
Grace and I had a long talk about how you can die from cancer, if my cancer is gone, if it is going to come back, if she could get it. She has alot of questions and since cancer is everywhere right now it only makes it worst.
I never wanted my kids to know about such grown up things like cancer. Now every picture they draw for me has "my cancer ribbon" on it.

I am getting expanded again, it is not pleasant.
The few days after I get expanded I wonder if I should have even done it, it might have been easier to be boob less and it sure as hell would have been less painful.
My radiated side is not doing great.
They have to fill it very slowly cause radiation has built up scar tissue. When they put 50cc's in last time my scare tissue tore and my expander was folded down and "pop'd" open. It still hurts, 3 days later. They also filled the right side first with 100cc's and so now I am lopsided.

I think because I thought this was the "easy" part it is making it worst, cause its not that easy.

Here are a few thoughts on PINK washing and October....

FYI: 

• Being bra-less shows NO support for breast cancer patients. Most of us have no nipples, or have expanders that are NOT anything like real boobs. And even when we get our fake boobs, they dont look real and they hurt and they have scars. Just don't do the no bra thing for awareness or support, you might get slapped by one of us boob-less bitches!
• When you buy something pink, or go to a "pink" party, make sure the money is going to cancer research or to an actually cancer patient. Most of that is not true, most companies just use it to make money. Having "pink" party's and buying the pink cup or sticker doesn't raise awareness, it just makes those big company richer.
• Pink might be pretty, but cancer is not. Nothing about cancer is pretty. I have lost my breast, I have pain, I have horrible panic attacks, depression happens, I am tired, the tamoxifen gives me headaches, and so many other not pretty things that are still happening. Not one day goes by that I dont worry about cancer coming back, every new pain, bump, lump makes you wonder. 
• Cancer is not pretty, 
• Cancer is not pink. 
• For me personally, it is not about early detection.To me it is about getting to know your body and making doctors listen to you. I also don't think that early detection does jack for those stage 4 metastasized  breast cancer fighters. 
• So when you donate, donate to research, not awareness. We are all very aware of cancer, we just need to find why we get it and how to stop it. 

The girls are drawing pictures of me with hair now!! I guess that means I finally really do have hair!

 

My port is out!!! It wasn't that bad to get out, just local anesthesia.
I really dislike the surgeon who put it in and took it out, he is a D-Bag.......!!!!!! I was so very close to tell him that, but he was standing over me cutting into my skin and cauterizing veins, so I held back!

I was cleaning Grace's room, and when you clean you have to look through piles of her junk!
I found this.
It says...
Tonight
I feel tired
I am scared of cancer.

I cried for hours after I found it.
Cause I can only imagine her worry and stress. I just wanted to hold her and rock her.
A few nights after I found it, when I could talk about it without crying, I asked if she wanted to talk about cancer. She asked me questions and cried and I cried with her.

This year has sucked.

 

Pickin' Pumpkins

I love fall.
It is my favorite time of year, jackets, boots, pumpkins, fall colors, soup, and perfect weather.  

We went and picked pumpkins yesterday, we had fun and the girls cant wait to carve them!

Kyles Sheep Hunt

Kyle had a ewe sheep hunt, the girls were so excited to go with him on this one!

We went out after Grace got home just to look.
As soon as we got out there there was a bunch of sheep so Kyle decided to see if he could get to them. The girls and I stayed back in the 4-runner and watched!

The girls had so much fun and I am pretty sure Kyle has passed the hunting gene on to them. They sat there and watched him gut it, asked questions, touched. They are huge tomboys, who love pink, glitter and dress up!

Chickens and Rocks

The weather is almost perfect here. Its cools off at night and that makes the days so much better! I got my camera out and thought I should take some pictures so I can get back in to the groove of documenting my children's every move!
Addison was being left out, cause 3's a crowd, and so she was my model! Her and the chickens of course!

It is almost pomegranate season here and we cant wait, we tried one that had split opened and they were still a little sour so we will give them a few more weeks!

Kyle worked out on projects all day, he said he got alot done, he made noise all day, so I believe him!

After dinner we loaded up and went for alittle ride.
I took pictures of cactus's, Kyle looked for sheep, and the girls filled there pockets with rocks!