Last week was kinda a rough one.
I miss my hair.
I didnt feel great.
I know now that I have one more week of this cause I missed a week.
Who would have thought taking a week off of chemo could make someone a little depressed?

This new drug, taxol, makes my body hurt so bad. Like everything hurts, even my eyelids when I blink.
But only 2 more treatments left. That means only alittle more than a month and I can start to feel better, or at least stop having my body poisoned.
On the bad weeks, when I dont feel good, I just like to sit and listen to the girls play.
I dont have the energy to talk to other people. 
I cant wait till people stop asking how I feel and for when I just feel good, or at least just not feel like crap!
With the end in sight, I wonder what happens after my last treatment.
Does life just go back to normal?
Do I even know what "normal" is?
Do I keep going and seeing doctors?
And when I dont see a doctor every other week to tell me that I am fine and the cancer isnt back am I going to be able to not worry?

Chemo brain is a real thing, I am so forgetful, it is very frustrating.
I feel like I am stupid, I cant think of how to spell simple things, or find the right word to say, or I just forget what I am doing or saying in the middle of doing it. Hopefully my brain comes back with my hair!

I've been getting lots of bills, I just set them in a pile and think I'll deal with them when I feel better.
I got a letter from the insurance saying that Desert Springs hospital billed them for $266,000 for my mastectomy.
I could buy a house for that.
Affordable health care act, my ass!
Thanks God that Kyle has a good job and that we have insurance.

With all things considered, life here at the Leavitt home is good. I think we are all excited for summer to get here so we can go to Marysvale and do all the fun things summer includes!

number 5

I haven't wrote about this last chemo yet.

Honestly I was scared to.

At number 5 chemo appointment, Dr. Wu came and talked with me about my tumor marker number blood test. They had went up since the last one, and that is not good.
He said not to worry, but I needed to come in for a CT scan.
It could be nothing, it could be my liver or kidneys, or the cancer could have spread and the chemo could not be working.
It just brought back all beginning fears and memories. I think anyone who has gone through cancer can go back to those beginning worries and nervousness that "it" is coming back.

The actual chemo treatment wasn't as bad as the first 4. I didn't get near as car sick feeling, but my body hurt like you wouldn't believe.
I think cause I felt better and was trying to keep my mind off the ct scan results, I over did it. But it was nice to not feel like death, just not feel good.
Side note: while doing chemo you either feel like death or not like your going to die. So when I say I feel good, I mean I don't feel like I am dieing. 

I knew "it" wasn't back or spreading, but it was in the back of my mind, it was in the front of Kyles mind. He was very worried and nervous.

It seemed like while I was wondering if my cancer had came back, everyone on facebook thought they were having the worst day/week/month/year of their life. I told Kyle I just want to tell "so and so" to suck it up, but I didn't tell anyone that. I just kinda feel like unless you've had to worry about your children growing up without a mom or had to hope that if something went bad your husband would someday find love again, maybe don't be so dramatic. If the worst thing that has happened to your in your life is a little rough patch of grown up life or something getting broke, thank God that he didn't give you a bigger trail and be thankful to feel good enough to get out of bed.  

Ok, thats the end of that rant...

I started to feel like death again on Saturday, and then Sunday I started to run a fever.
Monday as we made our way for number 6 chemo treatment and the results of the CT scan, Kyle and I had a little cry together and then pretended that we knew all would be fine.

Thank goodness Dr. Wu has amazing nurses, as soon as I got back there my favorite nurse came and told us we could do a happy dance, all is well. I think both Kyle and I could have cried tears of happiness and do a happy dance!  

But Dr. Wu was to nervous to let me have chemo with a fever happening, I was very sad about it, it just pushes it back another week. But my wonderfully positive Kyle has convinced me that taking a week off is alot better than ending up in the hospital.
So next Monday I will have my number 6 chemo treatment, and I will only have 2 left!

For this week, I am going to drink my tea, sleep, thank God for all the good in my life, enjoy listening to the girls tell their crazy stories, and laugh.

the rest of the last few weeks!

The girls spend alot of time outside! They love everything about being out there, but one of our favorite things to do is play in the irrigation! They get muddy and cold and have so much fun! 

Annie sent a caterpillar thing home with the girls! 
We enjoyed watching them turn into butterfly's and then watching them fly away!

My babies are 5!!!

My babies are 5 years old! It does not seem like they should be that old!
We had a birthday party for them on Saturday, we had all the family over and just played out back!
They had alot of fun and it was such a relaxing fun day with lots of people we love. 
Monday, there real birthday, we went to Vegas to the doctor, then went to Cici's pizza for lunch!
They loved everything about there birthday weekend! The frozen cakes turned out great, they loved there bikes, and they really love the baby chicks Luke and Sierra got them!

These two are so much fun and so hard all at the same time! They are the weirdest little children ever. Addison whistles all the live long day, and Alaynna talks like the cookie monster and can turn "let it go" into a heavy metal rock song!
They are best friends and still love to dress the same, some days. They push their beds together and try and find Waldo! And then 15 minutes later have an all out fight!

Addison gives in to anything sister wants and takes care of her! She loves me and Kyle and loves to talk and be close to us both. She loves her alone time with all of us and never wants anyone's feeling hurt or left out!
Alaynna beats Grace up when she looks at Addison wrong! She is also a weird little hippy! Her "energy" tells her things, like "the chickens are out, my energy told me!" She also told me that a kiss on the lips goes straight to your heart so when you are sad that's the best place to give a kiss!

I have been able to enjoy them so much in a different way the last few months, One of my favorite things to do is just sit far enough away that I can hear them talk! They talk about the funniest things and love each other so much!

Happy birthday little sisters, I love you!!

The fair!

We love the fair, but we knew this year we couldn't go like we normally do. Luckily I was feeling ok so I didn't have to be pushed in a wheel chair like we had thought!
The twins think the fair comes to town for their birthday just like Grace thinks that the 4th of July is for her birthday!
We got to see Luke, Sierra and Laura and the girls there! 
We only went for a few hours, but we got a treat, had Alyanna and Grace's face painted, rode the pony's, went to the small animal barn, and seen all there was to see.
Next year I plan on helping in the fine arts building and spending all day Thurday and Friday there with the girls!! 

just stuff...

The girls are enjoying the warmer weather we have had here at home! They are for sure little desert rats and tom boys! The weekend that I was so sick, Kyle took them fishing, out to red-rock, and we filled the swimming pool up so they could put there feet in!