New years resolution

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I have a lot on my mind today. Probably cause I haven't slept at all for the last 2 nights and I have a migraine.
Those 2 things make for a bad day.

This years I wasn't going to make a new years resolution, I don't ever make one, cause every time I have, I don't even try to work toward it.
But after giving it a little thought I am going to make one. It is easy and something I know I can at least put forth effort to do.
This year I am going to try and take more pictures of myself, of me and the girls, and of me and Kyle.
I want my girls to remember what I look like, I want them to be able to look back when they are my age and maybe can see that they look like me.
I just want them to always remember how I look.

I went searching for others cancer stories and I found "the 20 best breast cancer blogs of 2013". (this has a little something to do with why I haven't slept.)
Most of the blogs had a few things in common, they all  had moments of sadness, anger, hope, and frustration.  But really everyone's experience and diagnosis is different. We all make different decisions on how to "fight this", and I don't think there is a wrong way or a right way, just whatever works for you and makes you feel the best.
I read about a 31 year old women who was diagnosed not long before me, she is in the middle of treatment and she was so positive, that or she sugar coats it all, I can't decided.
There was a 42 year old woman who hated everything pink and everything about breast cancer awarness month.
There are people who tried it the natural way.
There  are people who fought and won, only to have cancer show back up somewhere else.
There was a husband who wrote about the love of his life that he lost to this ugly horrible disease. 
The only thing we all really have in common is that we all have a common enemy and are fighting "it" the best we can. 

I washed my long hair for the last time today,
till it grows out again.
It was a weird feeling knowing it is going to be really short tomorrow and gone in a little over a month, depending on when the ball gets rolling.
I am ok with getting my hair cut. I don't want to do it, but I know it will maybe save an even bigger break down when it all falls out.
I guess with me getting a hair cut makes things start to feel more real. Each step we takes make it just feel like real life and not a nightmare.

I am having a panic attack while writing this.......

I just cant get the fact that it was biopsied and it was nothing out of my head.
I was just going to see Dr. Anne cause I had met my deductible. 
I just wanted my lump out so it wouldn't have to be something I worried about and so it wouldn't hurt anymore.
I just want life to be normal again.
I don't want to do this.
I just don't want to do any of this.

I am having a really bad day today. Like as bad as I had in the beginning.
I even got alot of nice messages and I just didn't have the energy to write anything back.
I just don't have the energy to do anything today,
but cry. 

The anger is leaving, the sadness is here.

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Today was ( one of ) the big day(s)! I was going to go in at 5 to get my hair cut, after Kyle got home, but Meagan got me in early!

I didn't cry, just tear up right at the beginning. 
It is so short, but I love it!
Kyle actually really liked it to, I was really nervous for him to get home and see it!

Meagan did such a great job, and I loved that she wore a "save a rack" shirt!

After having 2 really terrible days, today was good! 

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I have had another "good" day, for the most part!

I woke up and I looked like a cotton ball, my hair was standing straight up! I laughed at myself, I looked kinda like a boy! But after showering and putting some product in my cotton ball, I looked a lot better!! 

Grandma Joyce came by. She held a pink blanket with breast cancer ribbons all over it. It was one of those special moments that I have got to share with a few people this last month. 

Grandpa Ron's mother was taken by this horrible disease so Joyce had made it in memory of her years ago. She said shes been waiting to give it to someone special, I wish it wasn't me, but I am grateful that she thought I was special enough for it!

The doctors office called and asked if I would be available for surgery on Saturday January 25th. I had a little freak out and said "NO, get me in earlier.....". so we will see what happens with that. 

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I woke up with  a head ache and decided to not really do anything today. I did get the house cleaned and I showered and bathed the twins, but we really didn't do anything. It was nice!

My surgery is for sure this Saturday.
I am really nervous, but at the same time relieved that the ball is rolling.
The sooner we start the sooner it is over, right?

This will probably be one of my last posts till after I feel human again, I was told about 5 days of pain. 

It is amazing how many people rally behind you in times like this. I am grateful to have the support and one day hope I can return the favor.