is this the new "normal"

1-19

My mom took the girls for the night cause we've got another appointment tomorrow. The girls have a list of things they want to do with grandma Merri and Steve. Ice skating has been on their list, so they got to go today! They had so much fun!

I am so happy that we have such great people in our lives that help us with the girls, but when they are gone I am sad. 

I never have felt like this before, most of the time I am so ready for a break, but today I cried when they left, I am crying in bed knowing they won't be here in the morning to wake me up way before I want. I haven't felt great this week, but yesterday just sitting outside watching them run around and play Frozen, I was happy and content.
I was so tired as I sat outside watching them and listening to them say " hey mom watch me do this, watch me do that!"  but I just couldn't bring myself to leave and take a nap. 

This little experience has made it so I just want to sit on the couch and hold their hand, or listen to Grace tell her crazy long pointless stories, and really listen to them, watch the twins do weird things, that they think are amazing!
Maybe this will make me a better Mom.


1-20
With cancer you have to make a lot of choices, luckily you usually have your surgeon., (Dr. Anne), your oncologist, (Dr. Wu), and your family to help you.
Today while waiting to see Dr. Anne, we talked to a few women. One who was getting her biopsy results today and one who had done chemo and was a few months into her reconstructive stuff.
It is always nice to hear other peoples stories and know your not alone. 

I decided for me that a double mastectomy was the best option. I am only 27 and I didn't want to have that extra worry about "it" coming back. I also wants my breast to match, I didn't want one real and one fake, I am to young and to vain to want to live with that.
A mastectomy hurts, I read somewhere that it is like a amputation, a breast amputation to be exact. It feels like when they numb your mouth, you can feel it, but not really.
The shock of seeing myself has wore off and I can see that when she starts to fill the expanders I will look normal. 

I am glad I decided that I wanted surgery first. I just couldn't imagine leaving cancer inside my body. Although my cancer was not a fast spreading cancer, I just wanted it out. Even now to think back and know that I let the cancer stay in there for 4+ years makes me sick.

It is weird cause some days I am really poor pity me, and others I'm like this isn't really that big of a deal, people go through it and are fine, it sucks but lots of women I've talked with worked through chemo and radiation. Then I wonder if I'll be that strong, if I'll let it get me down, if I'll let it win. 

I try and live life one day at a time lately, but some days it's just getting through the next few hours. 

I am really doing so good for being out of surgery a little over a week. I do still have some nasty leakage from where the drains were, and it's still hurts to lift my arms or pick up heavy stuff, My expanders still freak me out. but I can get myself dressed, I did a few dishes, I walked around the yard, and I even slept kinda on my side! It's crazy that I can think of sitting up in bed by myself as such an accomplishment, but it was.

1-23
Kyle went back to work Tuesday, it is great to try and get back to "normal".
I cleaned up the house, we had a park day with friends, I just still don't have a lot of energy.
But I know that it will come in time, I have to keep reminding myself it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet.

Kyle was so wonderful when he was home, he waited on me hand and foot, if I was doing something he didn't think I should be, he told me, he took care of the girls, dinner, and the house!
He has been so great during this stupid time in our lives and when I am really down, he makes me smile and remember that it is only a short time in our long lives together.
Don't get me wrong, having him watching over me also drove me bat shit crazy, and so him going back to work was a good thing for all!! 

I get my staples out on Monday and I think that will help me to feel like I am a little more healed! The thought and look of the staples makes me sick and think I am going to snag them on my shirts!

I have ventured out of the house a little and the hardest part of this is seeing people. I am such a hermit and unsociable and so very awkward, that when people ask how I feel, I feel like running back to the comfort of my recliner and PJ's!
There has been a few friends that have kept it pretty normal, and I am so thankful to have them in my life, the texts everyday about normal stuff helps to keep me feel like things are normal!

1-26
I have been really emotional this week, I cry alot. I don't normal cry, over anything, so it is hard to be sad like I am.
I avoid people, I cant do unnecessary drama.
I don't carry my phone.
I very rarely am on Facebook.  (I just did some Facebook cleaning and got rid of all drama makers on my news feed!)
I don't text back, cause I just don't have the energy.
I don't answer my door unless you've called or texted and let me know your stopping.
I am just so tired and I don't have anything good to say when people ask, "how are you?".
Cause honestly I am tired, sore, wore out from life, sad, overwhelmed, scared, and just plain old exhausted.
But when people ask, and I know they genuinely care, I say "good, I am out of the house today!".
I am good too, just not good enough to want to talk about it!
I am still very unsociable, I still don't have alot to say, and I still try and stay far away from drama, I have enough in my life without the added outside world dumping in.

So if I don't text you back, or don't want to go out, don't take offense, I am to tired to want to do anything but spend time watching the girls play frozen, watch "our shows" with Kyle, and just hang out and be normal with people who keep it normal.

It is crazy that for the last 2 months cancer has consumed my life, and I am sick of it.

Something funny to think about......
I don't get out alot so when I do, someone always notices I have chopped my hair off. They always say,"Your hair!!!" and they make sure to tell me they like it or it looks cute.
But I asked Kyle what he thought they would say when I go around bald with no eye brows. We both laughed and decided they will look at me, turn around and not say a word!
We laughed at the thought if it, mostly cause that is what we would both do!!! 

New years day

On new years day we decided to get out of the house. Kyle has been wanting to go down to Roger Springs and walk around, so thats what we did!

The girls ran everywhere, up hills, over rocks, threw cactus's!

I took my camera out for the first time in a long time and it was nice to get a few good pictures. I should get it out more, but there's only so many pictures you can take from sitting in the recliner!!

It was alot of fun to get out and walk around, the girls loved it and we all came back with pockets full of rocks!

somedays are good, somedays just arent.

1-15

Today we seen Dr. Anne, it was just my post opp appointment.
She took all 4 of my drains out.
She had stitched them in and getting the stitches out hurt way worst than actually pulling out the drains!
I also got the ok to shower tomorrow. To say I am excited is such an understatement.

She had my lump, lymph nodes, and the genetic tests all back.
Good news, the genetic came back negative so at least I don't have to worry so much about the girls.
The cancer was all over my milk ducts, she said that a mastectomy was justified because it was all over my left breast.
We were really hoping that no lymph nodes tested positive, but 1 did come back with cancer in it. That unfortunately means I get radiation after chemo is over.

Kyle was very bummed because of the lymph nodes. I tried to stay positive cause we really knew that since my lump was there for so long it probably was in the lymph nodes, I and Dr. Anne were just happy it was only in 1. Kyle just wasn't in that state of mind.

As the day has gone on and the bandages have came off, it has been harder to stay positive. My chest is flat, it is bruised and swollen, and it doesn't look pretty at all. The hurt in my armpit just kills when I turn wrong or try and do anything for myself. With ever ache tonight I get more angry and scared.

1-16

I am disgusting feeling. 

I haven't showered since surgery cause I couldn't get anything wet. 

My hair is so greasy, my skin is broke out, my face is oily. 

I tried to get into the shower, with kyles help. 

As I had help undressing myself and looking at this new me in the mirror, I just broke down. 

I am ugly now. Never in my life have I felt ugly. Ya I am a women and have those off days, 

but I am disfigured now. 

Ya, they aren't terrible looking, ya they could be worst, but to feel ugly, really ugly, is hard.
It is a hard thing to look in the mirror and see some strange ugly women that resembles you looking back with pity in her eyes, it is hard. 

Today I have pity on myself. I hope as the day goes on and maybe my hair gets washed I will feel better. 

1-17
Yesterday didn't get better, I just slept, hid in my room, and made Kyle get me ice cream.
Last night was the first night I slept in my bed, I slept good and so I think that has helped make today better.

I have realized that it isn't really my arm pits that hurt, it is just that everywhere else is numb and has no feeling, so I feel it most in my arm pits. 
My boobs might be numb, but they ache, it is a very different feeling. 

I got asked how the girls are doing. 
They are doing good, we haven't sat them down and told them "mom has cancer".
We just don't feel like they need that stress. The twins especially wouldn't understand and Grace is to much of a worry wart.
They know mom went in for surgery, she has owies, and hurts, they have seen the incisions under my arms, they seen the drains. We aren't hiding it from them, but we aren't going to scare them either.
We were surprised the drains didn't bother them at all. They asked what they were, looked at them, touched them, and that was it. 

Grace asks more questions than the twins, but her questions are more like, "Owies is a baby word, what would be the grown up word?" 

Next step is chemo, probably starting the first week of February. 
Also I will be getting my expander filled once a week till I like the way I look. That will be at least a funner part of this shitty deal. 
But if I had to choose I would have just paid for my fake perky boobs a few years down the road without going threw this other shit. 
Believe me when I say that you don't want to get fake boobs this way, this is not the easy way, or justifiable way to get new boobs, if you want to get implants please don't wish this upon yourself, it make people like me want to hit you in the face with a chair. 
Just wanted to clear that up, ha.

1-18
This morning a friend stopped by with a bountiful basket. She has got people to donate and so that she can get a basket for us every other week for a whole year. 
Both Kyle and I were just so touched by the things people are doing for us. This was a very thoughtful and kind thing that they are doing. 

Since my friend made my morning, I have really had a great day. I got myself dressed and even wore a real shirt, (no buttons!), did the girls hair, put a roast in, and have spent the day outside watching the girls play!

I think I am so tired and just so sick of cancer that I just could scream or cry. I liked my normal boring hermit life, my life is nothing like that now. 
I don't know what lesson God is trying to teach me, but I don't want to learn it.  
To be honest I am kinda mad at God. 
When I get up there I have a few questions I want answered. 
The first one being, why this burden, why didn't I get to much money as a burden, I would have been great at that!!
 
Really when I have those bad days I just think of all the nice things people have said and done.
Flowers after surgery, checking up on me thru text or Facebook, dinners, DDR prime, bountiful baskets, offers to take pictures, encouraging messages from strangers, scarfs in the mail, they all help make the bad days better and the good days longer!

FYI: The bra burning party was great, there was even boob cupcakes! 

Thanks for a great night out ladies!

After surgery.

1-13

I got home last night. 

It was so wonderful to be home. The only good thing about the hospital was the morphine drip. The rest of the hospital stay was just terrible. We had a few stupid nurses and half of the equipment didn't work. I hope to NEVER go back to desert springs hospital, ever again.

I am very sore. 

The worst part is my armpits, where Dr. Anne took lympnodes, it is a hurt I never hope to have again. 

In 3 days, I got 3 ivs, 1 went bad and my hand is so swollen, and I had blood drawn 3 times. I look like a pin cushion! 

My blood pressure was very low so I had to be put on lots of fluid and was so dizzy, but surgery went very well and with all things considered I am doing great! 

Emotion wise, I feel good. 

I feel like the cancer is for the most part, out if my body. That alone makes the pain worth it. 

I haven't seen myself yet, I have bandages wrapped around everything. Dr. Anne said my chest will match my hair cut, I'll look 14 everywhere!!!
I am scared to see the damage, but it will be awhile till I see it, that's probably a good thing.

I have 4 drains, 2 on each side. Kyle is my nurse and drains them for me. He is driving me crazy cause he wont let me do anything. But I am pretty worthless and cant do a whole lot anyways.

Great news, maybe a little to much information, but she saved my nipples. She said I won't have a ton of scars cause she hid them well, so someday soon I'll have a great looking chest. 

Was it worth all this shit?

No, not even a little bit! 

There were so many people wearing pink, and sending prayers, love, and good thoughts, and I could feel it. I am not feeling all that social able or all that great so I'll probably be shuting my phone off and locking my doors for the next few days. But I feel so thankful to have all the love and support! 

New years resolution

1-5
I have a lot on my mind today. Probably cause I haven't slept at all for the last 2 nights and I have a migraine.
Those 2 things make for a bad day.

This years I wasn't going to make a new years resolution, I don't ever make one, cause every time I have, I don't even try to work toward it.
But after giving it a little thought I am going to make one. It is easy and something I know I can at least put forth effort to do.
This year I am going to try and take more pictures of myself, of me and the girls, and of me and Kyle.
I want my girls to remember what I look like, I want them to be able to look back when they are my age and maybe can see that they look like me.
I just want them to always remember how I look.

I went searching for others cancer stories and I found "the 20 best breast cancer blogs of 2013". (this has a little something to do with why I haven't slept.)
Most of the blogs had a few things in common, they all  had moments of sadness, anger, hope, and frustration.  But really everyone's experience and diagnosis is different. We all make different decisions on how to "fight this", and I don't think there is a wrong way or a right way, just whatever works for you and makes you feel the best.
I read about a 31 year old women who was diagnosed not long before me, she is in the middle of treatment and she was so positive, that or she sugar coats it all, I can't decided.
There was a 42 year old woman who hated everything pink and everything about breast cancer awarness month.
There are people who tried it the natural way.
There  are people who fought and won, only to have cancer show back up somewhere else.
There was a husband who wrote about the love of his life that he lost to this ugly horrible disease. 
The only thing we all really have in common is that we all have a common enemy and are fighting "it" the best we can. 

I washed my long hair for the last time today,
till it grows out again.
It was a weird feeling knowing it is going to be really short tomorrow and gone in a little over a month, depending on when the ball gets rolling.
I am ok with getting my hair cut. I don't want to do it, but I know it will maybe save an even bigger break down when it all falls out.
I guess with me getting a hair cut makes things start to feel more real. Each step we takes make it just feel like real life and not a nightmare.

I am having a panic attack while writing this.......

I just cant get the fact that it was biopsied and it was nothing out of my head.
I was just going to see Dr. Anne cause I had met my deductible. 
I just wanted my lump out so it wouldn't have to be something I worried about and so it wouldn't hurt anymore.
I just want life to be normal again.
I don't want to do this.
I just don't want to do any of this.

I am having a really bad day today. Like as bad as I had in the beginning.
I even got alot of nice messages and I just didn't have the energy to write anything back.
I just don't have the energy to do anything today,
but cry. 

The anger is leaving, the sadness is here.

1-6
Today was ( one of ) the big day(s)! I was going to go in at 5 to get my hair cut, after Kyle got home, but Meagan got me in early!

I didn't cry, just tear up right at the beginning. 
It is so short, but I love it!
Kyle actually really liked it to, I was really nervous for him to get home and see it!

Meagan did such a great job, and I loved that she wore a "save a rack" shirt!

After having 2 really terrible days, today was good! 

1-7
I have had another "good" day, for the most part!

I woke up and I looked like a cotton ball, my hair was standing straight up! I laughed at myself, I looked kinda like a boy! But after showering and putting some product in my cotton ball, I looked a lot better!! 

Grandma Joyce came by. She held a pink blanket with breast cancer ribbons all over it. It was one of those special moments that I have got to share with a few people this last month. 

Grandpa Ron's mother was taken by this horrible disease so Joyce had made it in memory of her years ago. She said shes been waiting to give it to someone special, I wish it wasn't me, but I am grateful that she thought I was special enough for it!

The doctors office called and asked if I would be available for surgery on Saturday January 25th. I had a little freak out and said "NO, get me in earlier.....". so we will see what happens with that. 

1-8

I woke up with  a head ache and decided to not really do anything today. I did get the house cleaned and I showered and bathed the twins, but we really didn't do anything. It was nice!

My surgery is for sure this Saturday.
I am really nervous, but at the same time relieved that the ball is rolling.
The sooner we start the sooner it is over, right?

This will probably be one of my last posts till after I feel human again, I was told about 5 days of pain. 

It is amazing how many people rally behind you in times like this. I am grateful to have the support and one day hope I can return the favor. 

some thoughts....

1-1
Well it is the new year.
Last year wasn't great but not terrible either. I am afraid this one is going to at least start really shitty, but hopefully end better than it starts.

Jakell has been down this week and it has been really nice to get to spend some time with her. She showed up sporting a new short hair cut and her and Riley were decked out in pink. It made me feel loved.
Jerrica also has a short new do!
My mom even chopped her hair off today.
In 5 years, when I am healthy, I will be hearing about how they chopped off their beautiful long locks for me. Before Jerrica, Jakell, and Mom even cut their hair, I told them that they only way I would feel supported is if they let me shave their eyebrows off. I guess they went with short new hair do's instead of no eyebrows to show some support!!!
Since they didn't listen, wouldn't it be great if I didn't end up having chemo?!?! I think they would be fine with it even if I didn't, chances of no chemo are, well, none, but a girl can dream right?!

I didn't realize that anyone really cared, I mean like really cared, but I got a special visit from a friend the other day.
She brought over the most thoughtful gift I have ever received.
She brought a bag of things that will make treatment easier.
(I can only imagine what she googled to figure out all of the stuff!!!)  
Like ginger gum, a really cute beanie, lip balm, a soft blanket, socks, throat lozenges, and an amazon gift card for something to read. 
She made me cry, but she was crying too so it made it ok!!
Really, since I know you will read this, thank you so much!!!

In stupid hard time like this,
things like your sisters and mom chopping their hair off,
your brother-in-law wearing pink,
friends who text/call to make sure you've not gone off the deep end,
yet,
a friend who brings cinnamon rolls,
a friend who comes over to give you stuff to make "it" easier,
a friend who chases you down in Linns,
a bra burning party,
It all just makes it a little easier.

1-2
While doing my hair today I broke down, like a bad break down.
Why is my hair so f-ing important?
Poor Meagan, we are both going to be bawling while she gives me my haircut on Monday.

Fun fact, or not..... I was only 23 when I found my lump. Twenty freaking three..........
I've never smoked, I have no family history, obviously I am young, I breast fed, I have kids, I've never had hormone replacement therapy,
none of the risk factors, 
what the hell???

1-3
Kyle woke up with a head ache.
I told him he was getting sick.
He told me we were going to a doctors appointment. (he's had a headache for every appointment)
But really our doctors appointment went fine! Dr. Anne said she thinks she can try and save my nipples and surgery will be scheduled soon. I will know by Wednesday when I go in for sure.
Talking with Dr. Anne just made me feel that much more confident that a double mastectomy is going to be the right decision for me. She is such a great doctor and we can even laugh together in this crappy time! 
My genetic test wont be back till the middle of the month, Dr. Anne gave me the option of waiting till after we know if I carry the gene to do surgery, but I just want to get it started so we can get it done. To me, it won't matter if I do or I don't carry the gene, I only want to know for my girls.

Kyle doesn't say the words cancer or chemo, but tonight he did. It wasn't anything big, but it was a step out of denial!
We had such a fun day together, it was really just what we needed!
I am not suppose to eat sushi once I start chemo, so we decided that we would eat it as much as we could before I start! Tonight we went to Yummy Sushi and it was by far the best sushi we have had! If you go, get the "over the rainbow"  roll, it has chopped up fish on top, so it is like sashimi but just little bits of it, best roll I have ever had!


1-4
It has been 1 month since we got our life changing news, it feels like it has been alot longer than that.
I felt like after 1 month we would be farther along than we are.
I know that stuff doesn't happen over night, but shit people, I just am sick of being in limbo. 
I don't sleep, I don't eat, unless it is junk, I am stressed and maybe getting a little depressed.
I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster,
I am ok,
then want to cry,
then want to punch something,
then I just want to cry,
then laugh and say
"it is what it is" or "this to shall pass"
but usually when I am saying those happy "i am ok" things, I am imagining myself hitting my head on the wall over and over.

I am still in denial a little bit.
I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't get my hair cut off, cause maybe I wont need chemo.
Maybe the results got mixed up, cause it just shouldn't be happening to me.

I asked Kyle if he thought there was a reason this was happening, I am trying to believe that something good is going to come of this, and that it is happening for a reason bigger than me, but it is hard, really hard. 

Then when I get really tired, I start to have those really bad thoughts creep up.
what if it comes back,
what if they don't get it all,
what if "it" is in those lymph-nodes that are inflamed,
what are the girls going to think when I am sick all the time,
who is going to take care of all the stuff I take care of,
and last but not least, did I "think" this cancer into my body, did I do something wrong to have this horrible "thing" grow inside of me?
Then I start to have a panic attack and have to tell myself to stop thinking about it. 

This year is going to be hard, but I do know that all this hard stuff I will be going through is going to help me. I am going to able to see my girls grown into the beautiful, strong, caring, loving, women that I know they will be. I know that this is helping me to see my girls get married, to hold my grand babies, to grow old and wrinkled with Kyle, to travel with Kyle, and for me to just be here for the girls and Kyle.
Cause who would kiss owies, snug them in the right way, and tell them the pig joke? Who is going to help them through those horrible emotional year, who is going to teach them to put makeup on, and who is going to make sure Kyle doesn't eat a pizza stick and snickers for breakfast.
I have to be here for them.
So I will be, cause I am a fighter, I am strong, and I am extremely stubborn.
I will be fine, and this to shall pass.  

I hope by December 4th 2014, we can move forward, past this scary time, and maybe that I will have some hair on my head that looks good!

Till then I will be repeating this in my mind and maybe out loud sometimes....
Surrender to what is. 
Let go of what was.
Have faith in what will be.