We got 17 quarts of stewed tomatoes this year! It took 1 whole day to get them done, but it will be worth it when I make some homemade spaghetti sauce or Italian sausages!
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
F cancer
Since I have chemo brain, like cant keep a train of thought for the life of me, I am just going to write some thoughts down that I have had the last little while.
*Its been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment, I am feeling pretty good, more and more "normal" everyday!
*I have made dinner every night, kept my house clean, my laundry is all caught up, I paid bills, called doctors, made a cake for a friends, and even had friends over, we have been clean all week, and I havent abused anyone. I have felt so accomplished and like I have done so much. Kyle even comes home and sees everything I have done.
I never knew how much I did till I didnt feel good enough to keep it all up.
*While I was typing the above thought, something else popped into my head I wanted to write about, but shit if I can remember it now, damn chemo brain!
*I for sure have bad days, but I have still been able to at least see a few good things in each day. I get down and scared somedays, and those seem to be the days I write on my blog. It feels good to write all my feelings down and then move on. I really would suggest to anyone who is going through any kind of struggle to write down your feelings in a blog, journal, or even just a paper then throw it away. For me it has been nice to look back on those first few weeks and know how far I have come and how much I have changed through out this process.
I really do stress less, or at least deal with stress alot better, I am more patient, and I really do know what is important in my life, Kyle and the girls are at the top of the list!
*We were hoping that my tumor marker number had gone down, but they were still high. So I wont have a scan for awhile still. Dr. Wu wants to do another blood test in hopes that my body will recover a little more and my tumor marker number will go back down to normal. It would have been nice to have that number go down just for peace of mind, but they still aren't to high so even if it happens to be the cancer somewhere else, it would be early.
*I am planning on having to have radiation, that way I wont be devastated when it happens and if by the grace of God I dont have to have radiation, then I am throwing myself a party! Like a way huge "thank God this is over" kind of party!
*Hot flashes, holy hanna the hot flashes. I wake up 3 or more times at night drenched in sweat. You always hear about menopause and hot flashes, but till you start having them you dont get it!
* Since I have been taking the tamoxifen at night it has been better, but I can still feel the tiredness. I guess I can use that as an excuse for anything I want to get out of for the next 10 years!
*I dont mind the wig, but really I feel so fake when I put it on. Theres no way I would wear it to anything where people who know me will see me.
*I know that my hair wont be long enough to go scarfless tll around Christmas and I am ok with it, kinda. I guess that way I can play the cancer card for longer! haha!
*Although I feel very sad alot, I also have alot of happy moments. Every night before I go to sleep, I think of at least 2 happy things that happened in my day, whether it be a look that Kyle gave me or a funny thing the girls did, or even if I drew my eyebrows on even!
*Anyone that says "its just hair" should see this picture!!
Before I put eyebrows on and a wig, i look like an alien or at least a cancer patient!
After I get my eyebrows on and a scarf or wig on, I think I look pretty normal!
*Its been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment, I am feeling pretty good, more and more "normal" everyday!
*I have made dinner every night, kept my house clean, my laundry is all caught up, I paid bills, called doctors, made a cake for a friends, and even had friends over, we have been clean all week, and I havent abused anyone. I have felt so accomplished and like I have done so much. Kyle even comes home and sees everything I have done.
I never knew how much I did till I didnt feel good enough to keep it all up.
*While I was typing the above thought, something else popped into my head I wanted to write about, but shit if I can remember it now, damn chemo brain!
*I for sure have bad days, but I have still been able to at least see a few good things in each day. I get down and scared somedays, and those seem to be the days I write on my blog. It feels good to write all my feelings down and then move on. I really would suggest to anyone who is going through any kind of struggle to write down your feelings in a blog, journal, or even just a paper then throw it away. For me it has been nice to look back on those first few weeks and know how far I have come and how much I have changed through out this process.
I really do stress less, or at least deal with stress alot better, I am more patient, and I really do know what is important in my life, Kyle and the girls are at the top of the list!
*We were hoping that my tumor marker number had gone down, but they were still high. So I wont have a scan for awhile still. Dr. Wu wants to do another blood test in hopes that my body will recover a little more and my tumor marker number will go back down to normal. It would have been nice to have that number go down just for peace of mind, but they still aren't to high so even if it happens to be the cancer somewhere else, it would be early.
*I am planning on having to have radiation, that way I wont be devastated when it happens and if by the grace of God I dont have to have radiation, then I am throwing myself a party! Like a way huge "thank God this is over" kind of party!
*Hot flashes, holy hanna the hot flashes. I wake up 3 or more times at night drenched in sweat. You always hear about menopause and hot flashes, but till you start having them you dont get it!
* Since I have been taking the tamoxifen at night it has been better, but I can still feel the tiredness. I guess I can use that as an excuse for anything I want to get out of for the next 10 years!
*I dont mind the wig, but really I feel so fake when I put it on. Theres no way I would wear it to anything where people who know me will see me.
*I know that my hair wont be long enough to go scarfless tll around Christmas and I am ok with it, kinda. I guess that way I can play the cancer card for longer! haha!
*Although I feel very sad alot, I also have alot of happy moments. Every night before I go to sleep, I think of at least 2 happy things that happened in my day, whether it be a look that Kyle gave me or a funny thing the girls did, or even if I drew my eyebrows on even!
*Anyone that says "its just hair" should see this picture!!
Before I put eyebrows on and a wig, i look like an alien or at least a cancer patient!
After I get my eyebrows on and a scarf or wig on, I think I look pretty normal!
*Tomorrow I see the oncology radiologist, and I am nervous, but I have a plan for when if I have to get radiation, and just like everything else, that to shall pass.
*Last but not least, today out of the blue I told Kyle, "cancer has really ****ed up my life." We both laughed and laughed! I dont say that word ever, but I really felt it today. It will be one of the good moments I think about when I am laying in bed tonight!
Thursday, June 19, 2014
A day late.... but....
I have felt pretty good this week so I fee like we have done alot, but we really havent!
Josie really needed to be groomed and the groomer that we like doesn't do it anymore. So we decided to do it ourselves! She looks better, but still not good, that dog has so much hair!!
We have a family of toads that live in our back yard, the girls like to catch them!!
Kyle wanted banana pudding and chicken tacos for fathers day! They turned out so good, Kyle said I am doing a good job of fattening him up! We had a really fun day!
We decided to take my new gun out and go bunny busting! We had alot of fun, the girls even stayed awake!
This is how we spend most of our days,
We swim and swim, this little pool was worth every penny!!
The girls are getting to be really good swimmers and think it is so cool that they can swim underwater!!
Kyle is always building something lately, hes such a hot handyman!!
Josie really needed to be groomed and the groomer that we like doesn't do it anymore. So we decided to do it ourselves! She looks better, but still not good, that dog has so much hair!!
We have a family of toads that live in our back yard, the girls like to catch them!!
Kyle wanted banana pudding and chicken tacos for fathers day! They turned out so good, Kyle said I am doing a good job of fattening him up! We had a really fun day!
We decided to take my new gun out and go bunny busting! We had alot of fun, the girls even stayed awake!
This is how we spend most of our days,
We swim and swim, this little pool was worth every penny!!
The girls are getting to be really good swimmers and think it is so cool that they can swim underwater!!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I am a dark rain cloud......
Yesterday I started taking tamoxifen, I will have to take that everyday for the next 5 to 10 years.
Anyone that know me, knows I hate taking pills.
This pill will probably put me into early menopause. So if you have the urge to ask when or if I will be having more kids, or tell me that I need a boy, or pretty much anything to do with me becoming pregnant, please refrain, I will smile politely but secretly be imagining myself clawing your eyes out then come home and cry to Kyle.
I have wanted a baby since I had the twins, and now it is just certain that that time in my life is over, and it makes me sad. Even though I knew I really would never have another baby, when it is taken away from you, it sucks.
I should be asleep, but on top of starting tamoxifen today I am taking a zpac cause my white count is high so I dont feel all that great. I am dizzy and tired and sick feeling, and getting depressed, or maybe just coming out of denial.
Sometimes I still cant believe that this has all happened, I feel like since December 4th I have just been going through the motions, just trying to make it till tomorrow.
I ordered 2 wigs today, I can send them back and get a full refund if I happen to snap out of this depression I am in. We go to Vegas for a fun night out at the end of this month and I just want to look normal and not be sick anymore. I wont be wearing them around town, everyone here knows I am bald so why pretend, but it would be nice to go out and try and forget that i am sickly.
I thought with chemo over I would feel great and be healthy and normal, but with no eyebrows, eyelashes, or hair and feeling like shit, it is pretty hard to look or feel normal.
I get so mad and sad that everyone's life is moving forward and I am just stuck here, waiting to be healthy, waiting to see what the radiologist oncologist says, waiting for soft implants, waiting for a PET scan, waiting for normal, just waiting.
I want to be a girl and just talk about my sad cancer life, but for some reason no one wants to hear about it, or at least that is how I feel.
Poor Kyle has to hear about all my sad thoughts and I think it gets overwhelming.
I am a rain cloud some days and he tries to be my sunshine, but some days I just want to thunder and lighting and I don't want to see the rainbow after, I want to be mad and sad and cry.
I am so glad that summer is here. I enjoy being with my girls so much, even if it is just watching movies and swimming in the back yard. They keep me going and remind me to be happy, or at least put a happy face on.
Oh normal life, where are you?
** This weeks 10 pictures isn't going to happen, I didn't even get my camera out.....
Anyone that know me, knows I hate taking pills.
This pill will probably put me into early menopause. So if you have the urge to ask when or if I will be having more kids, or tell me that I need a boy, or pretty much anything to do with me becoming pregnant, please refrain, I will smile politely but secretly be imagining myself clawing your eyes out then come home and cry to Kyle.
I have wanted a baby since I had the twins, and now it is just certain that that time in my life is over, and it makes me sad. Even though I knew I really would never have another baby, when it is taken away from you, it sucks.
I should be asleep, but on top of starting tamoxifen today I am taking a zpac cause my white count is high so I dont feel all that great. I am dizzy and tired and sick feeling, and getting depressed, or maybe just coming out of denial.
Sometimes I still cant believe that this has all happened, I feel like since December 4th I have just been going through the motions, just trying to make it till tomorrow.
I ordered 2 wigs today, I can send them back and get a full refund if I happen to snap out of this depression I am in. We go to Vegas for a fun night out at the end of this month and I just want to look normal and not be sick anymore. I wont be wearing them around town, everyone here knows I am bald so why pretend, but it would be nice to go out and try and forget that i am sickly.
I thought with chemo over I would feel great and be healthy and normal, but with no eyebrows, eyelashes, or hair and feeling like shit, it is pretty hard to look or feel normal.
I get so mad and sad that everyone's life is moving forward and I am just stuck here, waiting to be healthy, waiting to see what the radiologist oncologist says, waiting for soft implants, waiting for a PET scan, waiting for normal, just waiting.
I want to be a girl and just talk about my sad cancer life, but for some reason no one wants to hear about it, or at least that is how I feel.
Poor Kyle has to hear about all my sad thoughts and I think it gets overwhelming.
I am a rain cloud some days and he tries to be my sunshine, but some days I just want to thunder and lighting and I don't want to see the rainbow after, I want to be mad and sad and cry.
I am so glad that summer is here. I enjoy being with my girls so much, even if it is just watching movies and swimming in the back yard. They keep me going and remind me to be happy, or at least put a happy face on.
Oh normal life, where are you?
** This weeks 10 pictures isn't going to happen, I didn't even get my camera out.....
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Wednesday Weekly 10, (on thursday)
When I decided to do a weekly 10 pictures, it sounded pretty easy, it turns out that it's not that easy!
I think that it really is a great way to start taking pictures again, writing down the little things that my girls do, and keeping my blog up to date, so I am going to keep trying!!
We decided that in the long run, it would be easier of we hauled the trailer up to Marysvale just so that it was there waiting for us if we need to get away!
I wasn't sure I would feel up to it, but Grace told me that I never do anything anymore and that I should go. So she basically mothers guilted me into going!!
We left Saturday morning, just in time to get to Cedar for some Top Spot lunch!
We got to Marysvale and had weeds everywhere, but were excited to be back! The girls ran down to the park to play while Kyle sat the trailer up and I laid in the trailer!
We went and visited Grandmas and Grandpas, and made a stop at Tugs for some ice cream.
Kyle took care of alot of the weeds, the girls got dirty head to toe, and I watched the world go by! It was a very fast trip, but a good one to get done!
The girls didnt want to leave and I think we will all be happy to get back up there, this weekend is going to be 108* down here.
When the heat gets bad, you will always find me hiding out in Marysvale!
This is the back of the house I grew up in. It looks alot different than when I was there, we had grass and big trees! But I have alot of good memories with my family and friends growing up here. I think thats why I love to go back!
While we were in Marysvale, Addison hit Grace in her already loose tooth, it made it very loose.
But the damn girl wouldnt pull the thing.
Kyle and I both told her that she was going to swallow the dang thing when she was sleeping. So Tuesday morning she came in and woke me up at 6 AM telling me that she woke up couldn't feel her tooth in her mouth and she couldn't find it! We are pretty sure she really did swallow it!
It is finally summer........ YEAAAAAA!!!!!!
I was more excited than Grace to sleep in and have no homework!
I should find the picture of her first day and do a comparison.
She wanted curly hair for the last day, so me being so over school, took her braids out and said there ya go!!! It turned out more frizzy than curly, but lets be honest its a miracle she is clean, looking!
Now we can sleep in, swim, watch movie, not pack lunches or do homework, and leave when we want!
I was so over school this year, I have been hating homework and projects, getting to the bus, packing lunches, combing her hair everyday, all of it, but come the middle of August you can bet I will be counting the minutes till they are all back in school!!
So there is my wednesday weekly 10, but really it is Thursday and I only had 5 pictures!
I think that it really is a great way to start taking pictures again, writing down the little things that my girls do, and keeping my blog up to date, so I am going to keep trying!!
We decided that in the long run, it would be easier of we hauled the trailer up to Marysvale just so that it was there waiting for us if we need to get away!
I wasn't sure I would feel up to it, but Grace told me that I never do anything anymore and that I should go. So she basically mothers guilted me into going!!
We left Saturday morning, just in time to get to Cedar for some Top Spot lunch!
We got to Marysvale and had weeds everywhere, but were excited to be back! The girls ran down to the park to play while Kyle sat the trailer up and I laid in the trailer!
We went and visited Grandmas and Grandpas, and made a stop at Tugs for some ice cream.
Kyle took care of alot of the weeds, the girls got dirty head to toe, and I watched the world go by! It was a very fast trip, but a good one to get done!
The girls didnt want to leave and I think we will all be happy to get back up there, this weekend is going to be 108* down here.
When the heat gets bad, you will always find me hiding out in Marysvale!
This is the back of the house I grew up in. It looks alot different than when I was there, we had grass and big trees! But I have alot of good memories with my family and friends growing up here. I think thats why I love to go back!
While we were in Marysvale, Addison hit Grace in her already loose tooth, it made it very loose.
But the damn girl wouldnt pull the thing.
Kyle and I both told her that she was going to swallow the dang thing when she was sleeping. So Tuesday morning she came in and woke me up at 6 AM telling me that she woke up couldn't feel her tooth in her mouth and she couldn't find it! We are pretty sure she really did swallow it!
It is finally summer........ YEAAAAAA!!!!!!
I was more excited than Grace to sleep in and have no homework!
I should find the picture of her first day and do a comparison.
She wanted curly hair for the last day, so me being so over school, took her braids out and said there ya go!!! It turned out more frizzy than curly, but lets be honest its a miracle she is clean, looking!
Now we can sleep in, swim, watch movie, not pack lunches or do homework, and leave when we want!
I was so over school this year, I have been hating homework and projects, getting to the bus, packing lunches, combing her hair everyday, all of it, but come the middle of August you can bet I will be counting the minutes till they are all back in school!!
So there is my wednesday weekly 10, but really it is Thursday and I only had 5 pictures!
Monday, June 2, 2014
I was in a (bad) mood last week,
I just couldn't stop thinking that as soon as I start thinking stuff is good,
Something happen.
The last time Kyle and I talked about how this hasnt been as horrible as we thought it would be, and we were just so excited to be almost done, Dr. Wu told us my tumor markers were high and I also got a kidney infection and couldn't get chemo.
I am so worried that once I get to that place that I think all is well, Dr. Wu is going to ruin my day, week, year, and tell me that "it" is back.
Every pain I have, my mind goes to is "it" there now? Am I going to be in that small percent to have it come back somewhere else, worst?
I have been wondering why or what made me have cancer.
Mostly I want to know so I can change it.
I am going to eat better, cut out soda, make a better effort to make my kids eat more vegetables, even try harder to workout, and last but not least be positive.
I am feeling better everyday, I cant wait to one day feel good, like really and truly good.
I didnt sleep at all well last night, my legs were freaking out.
So today I looked like I felt, eyebrowless!
Or sick, however you want to say it!
I went to lunch with a friend today,
(She tried to tell me she couldn't tell I have to draw my eyebrows on, bless her heart for trying to make me feel better),
and out of the blue a woman from around town came and told me I was an inspiration and she loved to read my blog.
It kinda took me back. I forget people read my blog and know my weird crazy thoughts and that I have fake boobs! Just when I really need a pick me up it seems like that happens, someone reminds me that I have so many people going threw this with me and in my corner.
I feel like I am a whiner and mostly just say how I want my hair back.
But I do hope that maybe I have made it so at least one person out there is thankful for the little things,(like eyebrows) and doing their self exams, every month!!
I think that once I get my first scan and it comes back clear, I will feel better and start to have more good days. Till then I am going to stay off google and try to keep "it" in the back of my mind.
I just couldn't stop thinking that as soon as I start thinking stuff is good,
Something happen.
The last time Kyle and I talked about how this hasnt been as horrible as we thought it would be, and we were just so excited to be almost done, Dr. Wu told us my tumor markers were high and I also got a kidney infection and couldn't get chemo.
I am so worried that once I get to that place that I think all is well, Dr. Wu is going to ruin my day, week, year, and tell me that "it" is back.
Every pain I have, my mind goes to is "it" there now? Am I going to be in that small percent to have it come back somewhere else, worst?
I have been wondering why or what made me have cancer.
Mostly I want to know so I can change it.
I am going to eat better, cut out soda, make a better effort to make my kids eat more vegetables, even try harder to workout, and last but not least be positive.
I am feeling better everyday, I cant wait to one day feel good, like really and truly good.
I didnt sleep at all well last night, my legs were freaking out.
So today I looked like I felt, eyebrowless!
Or sick, however you want to say it!
I went to lunch with a friend today,
(She tried to tell me she couldn't tell I have to draw my eyebrows on, bless her heart for trying to make me feel better),
and out of the blue a woman from around town came and told me I was an inspiration and she loved to read my blog.
It kinda took me back. I forget people read my blog and know my weird crazy thoughts and that I have fake boobs! Just when I really need a pick me up it seems like that happens, someone reminds me that I have so many people going threw this with me and in my corner.
I feel like I am a whiner and mostly just say how I want my hair back.
But I do hope that maybe I have made it so at least one person out there is thankful for the little things,(like eyebrows) and doing their self exams, every month!!
I think that once I get my first scan and it comes back clear, I will feel better and start to have more good days. Till then I am going to stay off google and try to keep "it" in the back of my mind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
