pink washed

Its October, that usually means my birthday, pumpkins, fall, Halloween, and great weather.
But now that means pink, boobs, cancer, cancer horror stories, and so much pink.

My girls are always drawing "my cancer ribbons" and when we see a women wearing scarf or a bald man, the girls say "hey, she or he got your cancer"
Grace and I had a long talk about how you can die from cancer, if my cancer is gone, if it is going to come back, if she could get it. She has alot of questions and since cancer is everywhere right now it only makes it worst.
I never wanted my kids to know about such grown up things like cancer. Now every picture they draw for me has "my cancer ribbon" on it.

I am getting expanded again, it is not pleasant.
The few days after I get expanded I wonder if I should have even done it, it might have been easier to be boob less and it sure as hell would have been less painful.
My radiated side is not doing great.
They have to fill it very slowly cause radiation has built up scar tissue. When they put 50cc's in last time my scare tissue tore and my expander was folded down and "pop'd" open. It still hurts, 3 days later. They also filled the right side first with 100cc's and so now I am lopsided.

I think because I thought this was the "easy" part it is making it worst, cause its not that easy.

Here are a few thoughts on PINK washing and October....

FYI: 

• Being bra-less shows NO support for breast cancer patients. Most of us have no nipples, or have expanders that are NOT anything like real boobs. And even when we get our fake boobs, they dont look real and they hurt and they have scars. Just don't do the no bra thing for awareness or support, you might get slapped by one of us boob-less bitches!
• When you buy something pink, or go to a "pink" party, make sure the money is going to cancer research or to an actually cancer patient. Most of that is not true, most companies just use it to make money. Having "pink" party's and buying the pink cup or sticker doesn't raise awareness, it just makes those big company richer.
• Pink might be pretty, but cancer is not. Nothing about cancer is pretty. I have lost my breast, I have pain, I have horrible panic attacks, depression happens, I am tired, the tamoxifen gives me headaches, and so many other not pretty things that are still happening. Not one day goes by that I dont worry about cancer coming back, every new pain, bump, lump makes you wonder. 
• Cancer is not pretty, 
• Cancer is not pink. 
• For me personally, it is not about early detection.To me it is about getting to know your body and making doctors listen to you. I also don't think that early detection does jack for those stage 4 metastasized  breast cancer fighters. 
• So when you donate, donate to research, not awareness. We are all very aware of cancer, we just need to find why we get it and how to stop it. 

The girls are drawing pictures of me with hair now!! I guess that means I finally really do have hair!

 

My port is out!!! It wasn't that bad to get out, just local anesthesia.
I really dislike the surgeon who put it in and took it out, he is a D-Bag.......!!!!!! I was so very close to tell him that, but he was standing over me cutting into my skin and cauterizing veins, so I held back!

I was cleaning Grace's room, and when you clean you have to look through piles of her junk!
I found this.
It says...
Tonight
I feel tired
I am scared of cancer.

I cried for hours after I found it.
Cause I can only imagine her worry and stress. I just wanted to hold her and rock her.
A few nights after I found it, when I could talk about it without crying, I asked if she wanted to talk about cancer. She asked me questions and cried and I cried with her.

This year has sucked.

 

Pickin' Pumpkins

I love fall.
It is my favorite time of year, jackets, boots, pumpkins, fall colors, soup, and perfect weather.  

We went and picked pumpkins yesterday, we had fun and the girls cant wait to carve them!

Kyles Sheep Hunt

Kyle had a ewe sheep hunt, the girls were so excited to go with him on this one!

We went out after Grace got home just to look.
As soon as we got out there there was a bunch of sheep so Kyle decided to see if he could get to them. The girls and I stayed back in the 4-runner and watched!

The girls had so much fun and I am pretty sure Kyle has passed the hunting gene on to them. They sat there and watched him gut it, asked questions, touched. They are huge tomboys, who love pink, glitter and dress up!

Chickens and Rocks

The weather is almost perfect here. Its cools off at night and that makes the days so much better! I got my camera out and thought I should take some pictures so I can get back in to the groove of documenting my children's every move!
Addison was being left out, cause 3's a crowd, and so she was my model! Her and the chickens of course!

It is almost pomegranate season here and we cant wait, we tried one that had split opened and they were still a little sour so we will give them a few more weeks!

Kyle worked out on projects all day, he said he got alot done, he made noise all day, so I believe him!

After dinner we loaded up and went for alittle ride.
I took pictures of cactus's, Kyle looked for sheep, and the girls filled there pockets with rocks!

Frogs and Bees

We went for a ride the other night, Kyle has a sheep hunt soon so we go see if we can find them!
The twins didn't have shoes on, they never do, but that didnt stop them from getting out and running around!
We found some little frogs and played with them for awhile. It kinda scares me that my 3 girls will pick up anything and aren't scared at all!

It was nice to get out and go for a ride!

This is a huge bee hive in the side of the hill.
Anyone ever see  My Girl? Anytime I see a bee hive my mind goes there!

update

Every year when school starts and summer is over, I think life will slow down, get back to normal, but it doesn't
This year more than ever it feels like we are always running somewhere or doing something. With all the girls in school I thought I would get more done, but I haven't felt very good and have been going to the doctor every Monday.

Last Monday I went and seen Dr. Wu and had my blood test done.
I was SO nervous all week, but just tried to not think about it.
On Thursday morning, 9:00 AM, on the dot I called to get me results, and left a message.
They are really good to call back quickly, but not this day. As the day went on, I worked myself up more and more, cried all morning, and pretty sure made myself sicker.
In July my number was 44, "normal" is 38 and under.

My number on Monday was 22,
half of what it was and way below "normal"!!
My potassium and calcium was low, and my white count was a little elevated.
I am suppose to drink orange juice every morning and make sure to take all my supplements. 
I dont have to go back and see Dr. Wu till January. I am happy about that, but at the same time it scares me. That's 4 months of not being reassured that I am ok.
But that just means that I should be moving forward.

I went to Dr. Annes office the same day and got the go ahead to start expanding again. She is going to go slow at first and make sure my skin can take it.
Radiation ruins your skin. It can take 3 to 4 months before your skin is back in good shape, (I hope it doesnt take that long for mine to bounce back, but it is what it is.)
I have one spot that she is kinda worried about, but she has lots of options for me.
I just need to be patient she says....

I have also have had a kidney infection that really got me down. I got into alot of trouble by Dr. Wu for waiting so long, but I really dont enjoy going to doctors more that I have to.
I got on a really strong antibiotic and after 3 days I finally feel better. I think I learned my lesson this time and will go in earlier next time.

The one thing that I still am having a hard time with is how tired I get.
It seems like I feel good one day and so I think I should do everything I can, and I make jelly, clean the house, rake leaves, and other things that dont really need to be done. Then it takes me 3 days to recuperate, and it starts over.

My hair is getting long, it is coming in curly and grey.
It is thinner than it was,
but I guess at least I have hair.

Some days, like today, I wish this last year would have never happened and life was like it was, including my hair.