cancer sucks....

Last time I wrote anything cancer related, I was waiting to get a MRI done.
I drove into Vegas, clear down in the ghetto, paid $170 and waited an hour before going back. I had to fill out paper work and it asked if I had breast expanders in, I checked yes.
The nurse reads over my papers, not well, and says "breast implants."
I say,"What?"
"You have breast implants, not expander."
"Ummmmmm........ No. I have breast expanders."
"No, you have to have had a mastectomy to have breast expanders put in."
"Yes, I know, I have had a double mastectomy"
"No, you would have had to have had breast cancer to have had a mastectomy."
"I have had breast cancer. I've had a double mastectomy, and chemo, and radiation, all for breast cancer, and I do have breast expanders in, read my paper work."
As she looks it over, "Well I cant do a MRI if you have expander in." 

I about killed somebody, but I kept my cool, got a refund and got the hell out of there!
Also before that, I went and got measured for a compression arm band. The girl has my drivers license and is taking some information down, when she says "Why would you cut your pretty long hair off?" I about killed her. I said "well I've had cancer, so it wasn't really a choice."
I wish I would have added, "and thanks for adding to my insecurities about my short hair. "
but I didn't, cause I don't like unnecessary conflict. 

I deal with some of the stupidest people.

The next week I went in for a CT scan and I got those results yesterday, the damn cyst is gone!
Which is a great thing!
This little scare aged Kyle and I at least 10 years. It brought back all those scary feelings and thoughts. 
Dr. Wu said he just got really nervous when he seen the ultrasound results and wanted to catch it as soon as he could, if it was cancer. I feel lucky that he is so observant, but man alive he freaks out about every little thing!
I still need to go in for an ultra sound at the end of the month, but I really don't know if I am going to, I am so so so so, over going to the doctor. Only a few more times at Dr. Annes and it really is going to slow down. I cant wait!


Cancer has changed the way I think about alot of things.

Something that has came up to much on facebook is the death with dignity.
Everyone has an opinion and I wish they would just keep those opinions to themselves. 
Honestly stop judging,
Have you walked a mile in their shoes?
No, you haven't.
Most of you people who have something to say about it have never been through chemo, surgery's, been told you have cancer or some other terminal disease, been told you have 6 months to live, or had to really consider death.
So please do us all a favor and stop judging, stop trying to convince everyone to see it from your prospective, live your life and let everyone else live their lives.

Another thing I cant handle, the negative people, or the people who are mean.
I honestly don't have the patience for it anymore, I cant even pretend to be nice or civil some days. If I don't speak to you, it is because I really truly believe that if you have nothing nice to say, shut the hell up.
So if you say something rude to me and I walk out of the room you are in, thank your lucky stars that I am not as tackless as you and practice the "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule.

Along with that are the people who complain about there lives, or petty things,
all the freaking time.
If you don't like something in your life,
change it. 

I guess that is enough on my soap box, for now!!!

9 Years

Kyle and I have been married 9 year, whatttt?!
That is almost a decade,
that is a long time!

In 9 years I can say that the good time outweigh the times when I have wanted to smoother him with a pillow while he sleep.
He is my best friend, and even though we both have aged, I still find him as sexy as ever! 
I am so glad we decided to put up with each other this long and I am pretty sure we are stuck with each other, cause no one else would put up with our weirdness!

I told Kyle I was going to write the story of how we met and fell in love (so that I can put it in my blog book).
I made him tell me his version, and lets just says his is way shorter than my version so I am going to write both!

Kyles version.....

Jessicas boyfriend left,
Kyle swept in,
and swept Jessica off her feet.

The End

That is a true story, but I include all the good details in my version!

My friend liked Kyle and had been texting him from my phone, so Kyle had my number.
I only really knew Kyle as Kadens older brother, so when Kadens older brother waved at me when he was leaving wallys and I was leaving tiffanys, I didn't think much of it.
But a few minutes later, a number I didn't have in my phone texted me and said "nice of you to wave back".
Of course I had to text back, and that started the random texting relationship, nothing much, just the occasional text about nothing important, that went on for a few months. It took him that long to get the courage up to ask me out.

On my graduation night, Kyle, who was there to watch Kaden graduate, just smiled and waved at me, thats the night I thought maybe I could like this guy!

I always had a boyfriend (or two!)  in high school, my senior year was no different. So when my boyfriend at the time left on the back east trip, Kyle really did not waste any time and asked me if I wanted to get a drink and go feed the fish.
I didnt really think that it would go anywhere, cause I may have always had a boyfriend, but I was not getting married, and I could tell Kyle was the marring type.

We talked forever, and Kyle doesnt talk!
On our way home, he asked if maybe I wanted to do it again only dinner next time?
I didn't hesitate and said YES. 
He later told me he was scared to ask me, cause he was sure I was going to say no.

Before he picked me up I remember telling my mom I was going out with him and said I really think if I start dating this guy, I will end up marring him. She thought I was talking about another Leavitt and told me I was crazy!

He came and picked me up and off to Los Lupes we went. We weren't ready to call it a night, so we rode to St. George and drove thru sonic and went and looked at new trucks!
(we were boring from the beginning!!)

After that night we've spent pretty much everyday together.
I broke up with my boyfriend(s), moved to St. George for like a month, we met in mesquite 2 or 3 times a week and I would go home on the weekends. After only a little bit, we knew we were going to get married so I moved back home and waited.

We would text all day, everyday, he would come and pick me up after work, and we would spend every weekend together. I don't know if I would say it was love at first sight, but it was pretty close!

Kyle has always made me feel safe, comfortable, and loved.
We are so much alike that it makes stuff harder and easier.
We love to tease each other, try and scare each other, and irritate each other.
This last year has been the hardest year of our lives, but it has brought us closer, we love each other differently, better!
After 9 years together, we have 3 beautiful daughters, an old dog, 5 chickens, 2 cats, and a wonderful life!

catch up

I thought I should write down a few things that have been going on at this house. I haven't been great at blogging this past year and the girls are at such fun ages that I thought I better write down a few of the crazy things they do!

When just us girls were on our way home from St. George, Addison said she wanted to tell me who her boyfriend was, and then after that we learned alot more about all 3 of the girls boyfriends!
Addison's boyfriends name is Ty, he has a mohawk and is in Mrs. Cameron class. He doesn't know he is her boyfriend, shes not going to tell him till they are older!
Alaynna was very sad when I told her that both her and Addison couldn't marry Ty, so shes decided she didn't want to have a boyfriend. 
Grace doesn't have a boyfriend, but a boy in her class always tells her she is "hot".
I told her, " did you tell him he couldn't call you hot? He can say you are pretty, cute, nice, but not hot!"

The girls love to play outside and now that the weather is beautiful, I love to be out there to, but the nights do get a little cold.

My chickens are doing great, I have 3 great hens, who lay everyday, but I have 2 who are a little more stubborn. We have just enough eggs to give some away and then we have eggs of some kind for dinner once a week!

Kyles been hunting, Lukes Elk hunt, then he left again this last weekend for his deer. Me and the girls do all of the girly things that we don't do when Kyle is here to interrupt!
We watch movies, eat popcorn, take long baths, do our nails, and shop!!!

I have taken up crocheting, so I knit and crochet anytime I can, but it hurts my left arm, so I got myself a compression arm band, hopefully it helps!

Kyle left us to do the Veterans day parade by ourselves. We met Grandma and Grandpa Leavitt down there and the girls got way to much candy! Then Grandma took us to lunch at the scoop! Grace doesn't get to go down very often, so she went down and helped her clean her doll cabinets while me and the twins watch frozen and almost took a nap!

That's about all that's been going on here, I still am going to the doctor way to often and feel like I cant catch up, but next year is going to be a better, calmer year, so it will be ok, everything will be ok.

Cedar Parade

Emerson turned one so we rode up to cedar for the day to celebrate with her.
While we were there the storybook character parade was going on so we decided to go to that.
It was a very long parade, but it did have some cool costumes in it, and the girls seen Santa and they loved that!
We of course, had to go shopping at one of Kyles favorite shopping spots, IFA.
The girls picked out all kinds of good things to buy, Addison really wanted a cowboy hat, Alaynna wanted everything, and Grace wanted a camo shirt, but we walked out with just Kyles crap!

After Emerson's party, we went to my favorite place for dinner in cedar and had a chicken fried steak, they are almost as good as Hoovers was, almost! 
It was alot of fun, but I cant wait to just sit at home and not go anywhere!

Halloween

We had a really fun Halloween this year!
It started with the girls school parties, they all had fun dressing up and I had fun showing off their cute costumes!

The girls didnt have school on the 31st cause it is Nevada day, so we had all day fun!
First was a party at Great Grandma Joyces house! She had games for them to play, hotdogs and hamburgers to eat, and cousins to play with!

After Grandmas, we went down to the Barlows Halloween party!
It was way out of Kyles and I's comfort zone, but we are glad we went.
First the girls played in the corn pit, it was a hit with the kids, they were in there all night.
Then they load you all up for a hayride and trick-or-treating, then when you get back they have dinner waiting.
The food was amazing, holy cow we ate and ate, everything was so good!
I didnt really know anyone who was there, so I hid behind Kyle for the night, (who would have thought he was the more outgoing one of us?), I was also really tired, but we had alot of fun!
I made some dirt cups and candy corn pudding, no one knew that I made them so I got to listen to people say how cute they were, I told Kyle that was my favorite part of making desserts, to listen to people say how they love them!
Hopefully they invite us again next year, and maybe we will even make a friend or two!

Is this the bird dive bombing me?

The doctor this week really sucked.
Dr. Anne was first and I waited in the waiting room for almost 2 hours.
I had big plans for her to put 100cc's in my left side and 50cc's in my right to even them out and get really close to being done.
She started with my left one and she got to almost 40cc's and my tissue started tearing and it started pushing back. So now I sit here for the next week in pain for 40cc's.

I also had a ultrasound, just to check on things since tamoxifen can increase your chances of uterine cancer.
I had to drink 40 oz of water.
I was in the waiting room for an hour and a half when a lady finally came and told me that I had got lost in the shuffle and they would get me back as soon as possible.
Remember I had drank 40 oz of water.
When they got me back about 30 minutes later, the lady was very rude with me and told me I had not drank the water I was suppose to and she was sending me back to drink more and wait longer.
I kindly told her that she was being a bitch and I didn't want her do my ultrasound and to find someone else.
So after drinking another bottle of water and waiting 20 more minutes, they finally got me back.
I was so mad, I was crying,
it was just another doctors office, wasting my time.

When the different lady was doing it, she was making weird faces and huffing and puffing.
I said to her, "I have spent the last year in doctors offices and those sounds are making me nervous."
She said she was a perfectionist and she just couldn't get the pictures she wanted.
That didn't put my mind at ease.
She was very nice and so I wasn't mean to her.
As I was leaving she looked at me with that "pity" in her eyes and said "good luck on your results"

I got to the car and had a come apart. I was sobbing, heaving, and having a panic attack.
It was a long horrible day and "good luck on your results" is not words you want to hear.

I cried the whole way home, came home and told Kyle all about it, and then we cried about it.
Is this our lives, one scan to the next, hoping for the best?
After crying about it all the next day, I woke up and thought I am calling today for the results to put my mind at ease.

At 9:30 my phone rang, it was Dr. Moss's office, my gyno.
The receptionist said they got my results and Dr. Moss wanted to talk to me today at 11:30. My mind went blank and I said NO, I have Halloween stuff, I will come in on Monday.
As soon as I hung up I collapsed on the floor,
is this the shoe falling,
is this the bird dive bombing my head,
is this shit happening again?

I knew I couldn't wait till Monday, so I called them back and she said she could get me in at 2, so I called Kyle.
I tried to be calm in telling him, but he could see through it and came home to save me.
I called Dr. Wu's office and Jan finally called me back to let me know they called me in a MRI stat........

My heart fell, I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. 
She said it was a different mass (I have a cyst we already knew about) and because of my history they are taking extra precautions and want to move fast.
She didn't make me feel better.

When we got to Dr. Mosses, she got me right back and explained what she thinks it is and that she wasn't worried and that it probably isn't anything.
She did a CA 125 blood test (the ovarian cancer tumor marker test) to see what those levels are.
We get those back Friday. 
It will be a really good indicator on if it is cancer or not.
If it is, it is fast growing, and that scares me so bad.

It makes me so mad that this is my life,
I am scared of everything, I have never been like this.
I just look at the girls and think "no, I can not leave them".
Being scared to die is a fear that is always in the back of my mind,
it is a fear that is crippling,
it is a fear I would wish on no one.

Today was Thursday, my insides have been in a knot, I cant hold a conversation cause I am on the verge of tears, and I am freaking out.
Tomorrow cant come fast enough.

Friday has came and went.
Dr. Moss called me, even though she wasn't in the office.
A number in the 1000's is very scary, a number in he 100's is worrisome, anything under 35 is "normal".
My number was 16.
She felt very good about all of it after looking at my previous CT and PET scans and the blood test.
I now go in on Monday for a MRI.
Then I will go in for an ultrasound at the end of the month, if the mass has shrank, it should go away on its own, if it stays the same we will watch it, if it gets bigger she will take it out.
She said that she really hates getting ultrasounds done for nothing, most women get cysts and they go away on their own and since we don't go in for ultrasounds all the time, we usually have no idea that we've even had them.

I feel good about it, I am still nervous, but I am realizing that is just life after cancer, your scared of everything.
More than anything I am frustrated that this is our lives, scan after scan, watching, waiting, hoping for the best.
Most of my "cancer" friends, are on an anti anxiety/depression pill and they all say it has helped them with everything. When I go in this next week I think I am going to see what my doctor says, cause there are some days I really need some help getting through.