After number 3

Number 3 treatment has came and gone.I feel ok.
This one started out better, I didn't sleep for 3 days straight like normal. But I have just sat in my chair and watched the the birds out the window.
My mind is even more ADD than normal. I just walk sit around in a fog.
I am so tired that sometimes the thought of walking to the kitchen to fix lunch makes me want to cry. But I have children who never let me forget when they are hungry. Luckily they are old enough that I make them help me and I think they will be better, more independent women for it. 

This treatment went alot better than the last one, I went into it with a different mind set. My friend, DeAnn wrote something on facebook that made me snap out of my mood. All she said was "Jess keep fighting I had 18 treatments you can do this." That made me think of my other friend Malisa who is still going through treatments.
Why the hell am I complaining, they have gone through it and had alot more treatments than I will have.
I am one of those lucky ones, its not as bad as it should have been.
I am going to make it through this.
I will be stronger for it.

Last time at Dr. Annes, there was 6 of us that started all around the same time and kinda going through all this together. We see each other every other week. You share your stories and talk about stuff that unless you've been through it you just don't get it. It was so great to talk to them, to complain about being boobless, hairless, sick, and then making inappropriate jokes, and you all laugh cause it is so true! We talked about life insurance and how we were all scared, some of the funny things people have said, how shitty chemo is, but how great Dr. Anne is. Kyle just sat in the corner and laughed, he thought it was as great as I did!

I am almost half way done with chemo, almost half way there! Ive been sick or down cause of a surgery for almost 4 months, I honestly don't remember what it feels like to feel good. I am very excited to move on from this, and go back to a new "normal". I am excited to want to make dinner and eat pizza. I am excited to be able to clean my house and not have it take all day. I am excited to not need help. I am very excited to go out on a date with Kyle that doesn't consist of chemo and Dr. Annes.

I haven't figured out why this is happening to me, is it for me to learn something, is it for me to teach someone, will something good come of this, I don't know, but I do know there is a reason.   

I am half way there... half way to "normal"... half way done.

Number 3....

Tomorrow is number 3.
I have had 2 good days out of 14.
I am not ready to start over.

Not feeling good takes a toll on your mood. I am so ready for this all to be over and to not feel like shit.

Ever since being diagnosed, I have heard more and more stories. I don't know if I am just more aware of other breast cancer stories, or if there is just more and more people getting diagnosed.
I do feel love and support from so many people. I've never been one who likes help or who has ever needed help, so it has been hard to except help, but unfortunately I've needed it the last month.
It would make things alot harder if we didn't have help from our moms. They both have been more than happy to come whenever I say I need help, and they would help with anything I'd let them! 
Its been so wonderful to see all the support from the fundraisers that have been held for us, and the people who have donated. Jerrica and family started the fundraiser page and over $3000 has been raised on there, I have also got countless cards with donations in them. My Ciserella side did a fundraiser at nascar by raffling off pictures my aunt printed off, strangers who have never met me donated to that.
I love all the unexpected packages that come in the mail with movies, eyebrow kits, fun pink things, and nausea bands, they seem to come on days that are really bad.

But even with all the support and love, I just want things to go back to normal where people don't know who I am and stare at me when I walk through linns or scoop.
I want to have energy to want to hold a conversation with you, or listen to you talk, or stand up without getting "car sick", or clean my house and not have it take all day, or just have a normal weekend.
One of the worst parts of this whole chemo experience is food.
Nothing tastes good.
I've always thought 10 lbs. would be great to loose, I no longer feel that way. I miss food, I want pizza, Italian sausage, a whole loaf of french bread, pancakes, shell noodles and tomato soup, oh food....
I cant eat; meat, bread, anything spicy, soda, Dr. pepper, pretty much anything with flavor. I eat alot of apples, yogurt, potatoes, salad, and eggs.

Oh to go back to normal hermit life.

I finally broke down to Kyle, I told him my deepest darkest fears that I haven't been able to even say out loud.
I told him that if this shit goes bad, he will be fine, he will take care of the girls, and he will raise them to be wonderful loving adults. I want him to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, but he can't live anywhere we have lived together and he has to sell our bed, cause I will haunt his ass.
He told me to shut up and then we both cried. 
I don't think this is all going to go to shit, but it is scary and it definitely is in the back of your mind.

Tomorrow I will only have 5 left, only 10 more weeks. I can do this.....

Also if you remember the women who is a breast cancer survivor only to have it come back in her bones, She starts her chemo tomorrow, so when you get dressed wear your pink for me and her, and include her little family in your prayers, please!

Spring!

This weekend was so nice outside!
We spent the whole time out in the back yard!

Kyle decided to plant us a little garden, he really missed not having a winter garden.
We've got some squash, cucumbers, watermelons, tomatoes, beans, peas, carrots, and radishes!
Hopefully we get enough tomatoes to at least do one batch of spaghetti sauce and salsa! 

When the weekend come, my children look like little rag-a-muffins! 

Grace's tooth

Grace lost another tooth, her 3rd one!
It was barely hanging on, but she would pull the dang thing all day. When it was time for dinner we told her if she ate anything it was going to fall out so she had to pull it.
After way to much crying, she finally let me just pull the dang thing!

She left the tooth fairy pennies to take with her and a really cute note! 

some more thoughts...

2-28
I ventured out of the house today to go to the post office, with my scarf on.
I had a package that they gave me a key to a box for. I couldn't get the dang thing to work so I went to ask the lady's that work there to help me!
The lady that seen me just laughed a nervous laugh as soon as she seen it was me. I told her that I needed her help and she acted frazzled and nervous laughed the whole time!
As soon as I left I texted Kyle to tell him how funny it was! 

I also got some visitors today, Stephanie and Kelsee. It was so great to see them and they brought letters from friends I went to high school with. It made my day to read them and remember how much fun I had  growing up with these people. When you live in a small town, your like family.
I have also been noticing the adjectives that people use to describe me,
2 that come up the most are honest and feisty.
I can honestly say that I love that those are the things that come to mind when you think of me!

3-1
My Grandma and Grandpa stopped by tonight and we were talking about how when the kids are little someone is always sick.
I spoke right up and said," We have been so lucky this year to not get sick!"
My grandpa looked at me rubbed his head and said, "really????"

I just laughed, cause if my kids aren't sick I do feel lucky, I can handle it if I don't feel good. I guess its a good thing I think that we've been lucky, otherwise i'd probably have alot more bad days!

3-2

I woke up this morning still nauseated, I'm hoping these new wristbands that a friend sent, keep working.
This last week was a hard one for me, I was tired, but cant sleep, I've been really nauseated, I lost my hair, and I've just been sad. But also this week I had more thoughtful packages sent, wonderful visitors, and the girls have been so happy and fun. Even thought I am not feeling 100%, I finally have snapped out of the mood I was in.

Only 6 treatments left, only 6 treatments left, only 6 treatments left...

3-5
If you have ever wondered what you'd feel like if you had to have chemo, wonder no more.
You'd feel like shit.

I thought that this car sick feeling I had going on would pass, but as the days go on and I feel no better I am slowly losing hope.
Also my friend said that she felt like it the whole time too.

I'm pretty bald, like big huge bald patches. But no worries, Kyle told me I could be a model for chemo!
Although I feel crappy and quite unattractive, I am in good spirits. I am just counting down the days till this part is over.

2nd round of chemo

Round 2 of chemo is over.
I thought this one would be easier cause I knew what was to come, but it was not.
Monday morning I just cried and cried, I did not want to start over. Kyle tried to make me feel better, but I just wasn't in that mind set.
Chemo went fine, just boring,  I wrote thank you cards out, so if you get one and it just doesn't make sense or you cant read it, that is my excuse!
Tuesday I slept, till we had to go in and get my shot. Then I slept all the way in and all the way back, then went back to sleep!
Wednesday I slept most of the day again.
This time was a little worst than last time.
I took lots of my anti-nausea pills, I slept alot, and by Thursday I felt alot better!
But then Thursday my hair started to come out in clumps, chunks, and nasty huge pieces.
I showered and more came out, I brushed it and even more came out, i laid on my pillow and more came out, it was ever where and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Kyle got home and we decided to just shave it.
The girls laughed, giggled and thought it was pretty funny that I was shaving my head.
After it was done I had my own little pity party for a few minutes, then came out and asked if they wanted to try on scarfs with me.
They had a great time and the twins even woke up this morning and asked to have their scarfs put back on.

All is well here at the Leavitt home, I am looking forward to our normal week.