rain

Maybe its because we are desert rats, or maybe its just cause rain is awesome, but when we got a ton a rain awhile ago, we all played in it till it was all dried up!!

The afterlife....

Long drives to Vegas by yourself give you a lot if time to think.

I've leaned a lot about myself in the last few months, one thing that I am realizing is that I don't know how to talk about myself or personal stuff, so I keep a lot if that inside, write on my blog, or I tell Kyle, he's the only one who I tell all that too.

Radiation has been hard, hard in a very different way than chemo was.
I am not sick, or exhausted, but I am tired and sad, and hungry.
With chemo there was so much support, everyone wore pink for me, texts making sure I was still alive, calls that I was to tired to answer, I felt alot of support from everyone.
Radiation, well I haven't had a lot of people checking in on me, in 20 treatments, no one has wore pink, and really the first 3 weeks of radiation were harder emotionally than the 4 months of chemo. 
Sometimes it feels like I was diagnosed with chemo not cancer, after chemo was over then people just think you are healed, but really that's the time when you need the most support. 
But I am over it and I probably had a lot more support than I think, I was a black rain cloud and couldn't see it.

After going into Vegas 5 days a week, right in the middle of the day, I am tired and I get nothing done.
By the time Friday gets here I just want to sit and take a nap and not leave my house.

But.......
Tomorrow is the last day of radiation, (thank the good Lord above). 

I am surprisingly not as sun burnt as I thought I would be, and after changing where they treat on Tuesday, my throat is already feeling better! 

Kyle says I am a roller coaster, and I am!
Last week I was low, like way low. Everything made me sad, then mad, then frustrated, then sad again. I cried alot, and I never cry.

This week, I am a ball of sunshine and everyone who irritates me I pretend they don't exist, and it is working!
I am feeling like I thought I would after I finished chemo,
like I can breath finally.
I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So tomorrow by 10 in the AM, I will be done and get a whole week of not having to go to Vegas, I am doing a happy dance already!!!

school shopping!

The girls and I went school shopping! Grace and I already went in and shopped for her awhile ago, so it was mostly for the twins! 

All of my children love to shop and they are alot of fun to shop with! They wore me out! 

We went to lunch, shopped till my doctors appointment, shopped more, then had an ice cream and came home!

They love everything 

and want to try it all on 

and look 

and feel 

everything!!!

We had a really fun day, it reminded me of my school shopping trips when I was growing up!

catch up

I've been scarf less all week. It was really scary for me, but I am happy I did it, most of the time.
I feel kinda manly, really not pretty, and still bald. But I get lots of complements so I try and remember those when I look at myself in the mirror.

Summer is coming to an end. I am sad to have my babies growing up, but happy to get back into a schedule.
We play outside in the heat till we cant take it anymore, then we hide inside and play games and play dough.

Grace has been on a farmer girl kick. Always wanted to do something that a farmer does. So she planted herself a little garden. Hopefully it grows, I'm pretty sure she has a green thumb just like Kyle!

Day 10 of radiation Nancy was nice enough to come down and watch the girls, so me and Kyle took advantage of it and had sushi! We like any excuse to celebrate with sushi!

Radiation gives you a sunburn. What they forget to tell you is that is can also sunburn your insides.
So last week I started feeling like I had a lump in my throat, like I swallowed something but it was stuck.
Turns out my esophagus is inflamed.
It now feels like I am swallowing broken glass, every time I swallow.
I have learned to take tiny bites, nothing hot or cold, and to just cry alittle when I eat!

These medicines you mix together and are called magic mouth wash. But as I have learned there is nothing magic about it. It taste like cough medicine and only numbs the top part of my throat, but I still guzzle it before I eat to make it not so bad.

Only a few more weeks and it will be gone and I can start to eat food again!!!!! 

The girls and I had a sleepover with some friends, (why do they call it a SLEEPover, there wasn't alot of sleeping going on)! We ate homemade Mexican food, talked all night, yelled at kids to go to bed, and then all slept in the same bed, plus 3 kids and a dog! It was alot of fun, I cant wait till one of the husbands go hunting so we can do it again! 

blahhh....

You'd think that after treatment you would feel so much better, emotionally, but man I don't.

I read once that after treatment is over you feel worthless cause all the jobs you use to do have been taken over by other people. I didn't think that would be me cause I thought I did alot of what I always do.
But now I see that Kyle is the one that has taken over all my jobs. He cooks, cleans, takes such great care of the girls.
It scares me, cause he and the girls would be fine without me, they just all take care of themselves. I mean they would live in a dirty home and eat alot of frozen pizza, but they would be fine.
I wish that thought brought me more comfort than it does.
It should, that means that my girls are going to grow up looking for an amazing man like their dad and they will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves and a home.
But at the same time, what about me?

I spend more days in the shower crying then I did through all of chemo.
I am starting to see that chemo numbs you, its such a struggle to get through everyday that you have no time to feel any real emotion other than tiredness.
I just don't know how to get back to normal. I am not the same person I was before December 4th. I want that person back.

I have learned to have a thicker skin, cause wowzer people say some dumb things, I am going to tell you a few things to NEVER say to a cancer patient that I have heard in the last few months...

• "Well I just hope they got it all." Ya me to dumb ass, in fact I have panic attacks thinking about it, but thanks for bringing that up. 
• "You look great...... for all that you have been through." Just tell me I look good, no need to add that last part, I know I look like a cancer patient. 
• "I know just what you have been through cause I had (fill in the blank with something that is NOTHING like cancer) that I have been going through." ummmmmmmmm...... No, that is not the same, not even close to the same thing. 
• "Well at least you got some nice boobs out of it." Ya you should see them, all scared up where they have been cut and had all of my breast tissue scraped from my body. But ya a year of pure hell was totally worth nice boobs. 
• "My grandpa, grandma, aunt twice removed, had cancer and died." well that is nice, I can tell how sensitive that made you toward other people.....
• "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan for you." Oh ya does his plan include punching you in the face, cause that's about to happen.
• Then the strangers who just stare or give you weird looks, honestly a smile goes a long ways, wave and smile, don't stare.

Then there are most people who have been wonderful and just ask how I am and that I look great bald.
And really most people are not dumb, and other people who are my friends have said things they thought I would take wrong and immediately apologized. I know its a hard thing to know what to say, but the above statement should NEVER be said!

Not every emotion I have is bad, I have learned to love my body that has been failing me the last little while.
I have always been a girl with pretty hair,
and well,
I am bald now. I am sorry but NO ONE looks good with no eyelashes or eyebrows. I have had to look at myself with disfigured boobs, then nicer boobs, and now weird looking skin where my boobs use to be a month ago.
I have learned that through it all I am still me, I have had to look for different things that I find pretty about myself, and I have come to accept my body and all of the curves and extra squish that I have. Plus like a good friends says, "my bald head makes my eyes pop!"

I am almost half way through radiation, I am tired, but it will be fine. School starts soon and then we can get into a routine and maybe find a new normal for us that doesn't involve me going to the the doctor or not feeling good.

We rode back up the mountain on Saturday after lunch.
We put the seats down in the 4 runner and the girls slept the whole way up!

As we were driving down the rode Kyle thought he seen a bird so we stopped to see what it was and found a little owl that was hurt.
I tried to talk Kyle into bringing it home with us, but it was in bad shape and I didnt know what I would do with it if I did bring it home.
It looked like someone had ran it over or something, it was really sad.

We had so much fun on our week trip to Marysvale, we cant wait to go back next summer, for even longer!